Fall in love and hold nothing back
>> Tuesday, July 6, 2010
So, I work at Chick-Fil-A. It's fast food, so you can only imagine what it's like to work there. We have set up all of these stereotypes about who works at these "fast food" chains and what the atmosphere is like. There was a day last week where I felt every emotion I could possibly have felt. At one point, I wanted to scream in frustration with how far behind we were in orders. (at one point, we were 20+ orders behind. eek!). My patience was tested and I realized something that seems simple: I need God. All the time in everything. Intellectually, I know that. But once I grasped that just a little bit with my heart, a lot of things came flooding to me.
I have a friend named Josh whose writing is just BEAUTIFUL. The rhythm of his words and the incredible pictures he paints leave me feeling refreshed. A few months ago, he wrote about having this cry in us when we most desire to share something but have no words for it.
He puts it better than I ever could:
__________________________
"Sometimes I imagine all of humanity gathered together in a giant field, all staring at the sky and screaming something, our hands not content to remain at our sides and our souls resolved to not stay silent. I can see the image so clearly in my head, and sometimes the roar becomes so loud that it drowns out the noises in reality, but for the majority of my life I could not understand a word we were screaming. I knew exactly what emotions it would invoke as it came out, and I could taste exactly how the words would taste as they left my soul and made their way out of my mouth, but I could not spell them with letters."
Josh Lancette
http://joshlancette.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/for-what-we-cry/
___________________________
His words are the perfect way to describe how I've been feeling as of late. It's like I have all this pent up emotion that has had no release due to pride and honestly, lack of time. Because of this, I have unknowingly become numb to so much. I don't know how to convey my thoughts in words...not even to God. I have had to rely on the faith that God knows my heart. And I know he does, but when your heart is screaming for release, the rest of you becomes entangled in it and consumes your every thought. Don't get me wrong, I love it here and love the people. The Lord is teaching me about leadership and how to share my faith, but I feel as though I am going through the deeds with no faith. I don't have faith that God will move in my life. I was telling a friend the other day that "getting something" out of project may not be the best thing in the world. We often think that But it could very well be something that makes us angry. It could be letting go of a relationship or letting go of unhealthy friendships. It could be the reality that your parents are choosing not to believe in God. It could be the reality that this world is slowly dying and you're not doing anything about it. I've had moments of frustration with the way I've felt while being here. I've definitely felt like I wasn't "getting anything" out of project. In those moments, I've questioned God's goodness. I've even questioned His love for me. I've believed that God would relieve me of my bitter and unfaithful hearts if I did everything in His name. But God reminded me of a conversation that I had with my good friend, Evan. We discussed this: we would feel so much more power and strength if we brought Jesus to life. Meaning...we always say "Jesus is with us all the time." But do we really bring Him to life and picture Him physically with us? Because that's exactly how we should feel! You would feel empowered to love and live radically like He calls us to.
It's been a process...but I'm slowly leaving that stale place of complacency and unwinding the truths of who Jesus is. It's really beautiful the way Jesus is coming into my life more and more. I feel like He's pursuing me. I know He always is. But it's been so great how clear He is making it that HE LOVES ME. Everyday for the past 2 weeks, I have been captured with that simple yet so profound fact: God loves me. God loves me despite my nature to leave Him and sin. He loves me even though I don't love Him all the time. Jesus died and rose again for me. He died for every sin of mine. While I know that no sin is bigger than the other...i just can't wrap my head around the fact that Jesus died because one day, I couldn't help but be a glutton and eat too much. Or that so many times in one day, I envy someone who can sing better than I can, or looks better than I do. Or that I get upset at someone for getting in my way. Or judge someone for talking too much. All these little and trivial things that are still sin...Jesus had to die for it. And that 1. makes Jesus more incredible than I already thought and 2. is such a display of LOVE.
As I try to love the Lord with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul and all my strength...one lyric comes to my head by Copeland: "If you fall in love, fall in love and hold nothing back." (Hold Nothing Back).
