face-to-face

I came face to face with myself last night. I didn't like what I saw. I saw my old self and tried to hide. I sat at my kitchen table at 3am trying to study for an exam. With no gratitude whatsoever for this education I argued with myself about the purpose of this exam. The "righteous" part of me said "God wants you to do this." But my old self said "this is for yourself." And the new me believed it. I had no gratitude for the education. I had no gratitude for the opportunity to learn. No gratitude or even recognition of the God given gift it is to be able to think and comprehend anything. No gratitude for the breath that God himself breathes in me to live. No gratitude for my God who holds my life together. And in a gollum/smeagol conversation, I was told that I am my own worst enemy. I let my old self win. Then I told myself..."No...you're dead. You're dead. You're not real. I am righteous. This is for Jesus. Not for you." And so a battle in the midst of war ensued. Within this battle I had victory but also defeat. I let the old self win by telling me lies and believing them. I sinned in thought and action. Oh, did I sin. I asked for forgiveness and went to bed. This morning, I woke up 10 minutes before my exam began and it wasn't until I walked to class that I realized the weight of this event that occurred only 5 hours earlier.

"We’re not only held captive by our sin, but also by the delusion of our righteousness. Resting in God’s grace isn’t just about confessing your sin; it’s about forsaking your righteousness as well" --Paul David Tripp

Last night I told myself "You're a sinner. You leave Jesus over and over. You forsake and abandon your first love. But you have grace because you're righteous." In the same way I tend to play my own judge and dwell on shame and guilt, I played my own judge and told myself that I was "good" because I chose to say yes to Jesus. I told myself that I have hope for heaven and being made perfect even though my iniquities on this earth would follow me forever. I acknowledged my sin. I acknowledged the apostles actions and desires to be holy. I told myself to follow their ways. I told myself to look to Paul the apostle as an example. Not once did I acknowledge Jesus. Talk about being held captive by righteousness.

About an hour ago, I finished my exam then ran into a good friend (which meant walking by each other as we said hi)...then we exchanged a few words through text message about needing to love Jesus through everything. I then thought about my face to face encounter the night before. I felt guilty. Then I remembered this bible verse:

"Who is a God like you,who pardons sin and forgives
the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.
You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins
underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea"
--Micah 7:18-19--

Take that Satan.
You lose.
You're defeated.
I stand in victory.
I am God's delight.
Jesus WINS.

Go face-to-face with Jesus, and you'll always win. Do not fight Him for he is your victor. Do not hesitate to fight, for the enemy is swift with his arrows. KNOW and BELIEVE that the old is gone. The new is here. Command the old self to leave. Abandon sin and abandon your fleshly tendency to erase sin with the simple words of "I'm forgiven." You're not just forgiven. You're hidden with Christ. It is in Jesus Christ that you are righteous.

Jesus. Mercy. Grace. Heart. Good. LOVE. Great. Faithful. Victory. REAL. Yeshua. Life. Abundance. GOD. Sunshine. Blue Skies. Captive Freer. Liberation. A perfect harmony. Faith. Patience. Light. Nice. Compassionate. LOVE. Music. Perfect. LOVE. Neverending. Here. Prince of Peace. LOVE. Forever. Freedom. Always. LOVE. Holy. Still. LORD. Risen. Just. Kind.
Did I mention LOVE?

JESUS...my King, You are these things.

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Love won't forsake you

This past November, our ministry sent a team of 14 to East Asia on a week-long missions trip. The day before they left, I realized that it had been two years since I was sent there. A few days ago, my friend Cole asked me the question: "how much do you remember about that week?" I paused and thought for a second and realized that I remembered so many things. I remember the smell of the rooms, how the sheets and mattresses felt. Standing in awe of God's creation as I stood on the Great Wall. Experiencing a prayer walk for the first time. Feeling comfortable sharing my faith for the first time. The food. The insane traffic and reckless cab drivers. As Cole asked me that question and I took a second to think, I realized that I remember almost everything. The more I think back to that week, the more I remember. But the more I remember, the more my heart hurts.

Today, it has been approximately two years and two months since I set foot on most devastatingly beautiful soil of the harvest I've ever seen. After the cross, East Asia was one of the first times I understood Agape. Sometimes I don't even want to think about it because of how much it hurts me and pains me. There are days where all I want to do is drop everything and go be with these people. I want to carry their burdens. I want their hearts to be able to experience true heartbreak the way that I am able to. I want them to feel. I want them to awaken from their slumber so they can taste and see that God is calling them. I want them to know that their hearts are failing.

If I’m being honest...sometimes, I don’t want to love East Asia. Sometimes I’d rather forget so I don’t have to deal with the reality of the place. But no matter what I do, it always comes back. I’m reminded of little things about it, and I can’t escape it.

Most people know that I am a musician. I play piano and guitar, and I sing. But the one thing I’ve always wished I could do was compose lyrically and musically. I have never been able to write a song on my own, whether it is just words or just music. I’ve gotten a tune or a verse here and there…but never anything complete. Most of the time, I try too hard to write or compose that I fail. But the one complete song that I have written is about East Asia. Why God would choose to have the first song I ever write be about this place is not a coincidence. The chorus of the song goes like this

I can’t escape you

So I won’t leave you

‘Cause your heart is failing

And your eyes are closing

And you don’t know

"you" is the country of East Asia. I have to sing/play it at least once a day in order to remember. In East Asia, the people in our generation tend to give themselves American names. While I was there, some of the others on our team met a guy named Allen Iverson. In the words of Marc Nettleton: “He wasn’t Allen. He wasn’t Iverson. He was Allen Iverson.” Others met Cheese, Blender, Link, and so many other ridiculous names. I met Feeling.

She was one of the happiest people I had ever met. She said school was hard and that her parents pressured her to be the best. But she also said that it was okay because it’d be worth it in the end if it meant being successful. For Feeling, she was okay with the pressure, it made her work hard. She believed that the pressure from her parents was a sign of love. She was thankful for her education and told me she was happy and content with life. And I believed her. And that was the worst part...she was truly content with her life even though she wasn't walking with Jesus. This is why we go. At the end of that conversation, I could barely look at her because I knew her joy was empty. She was living a life to please people and perform for others.

Tonight at primetime, Troy Maragos defined joy as a supernatural delight. On some level, Feeling had that. But again, it was empty. God graced me to help her understand that Jesus could fill that. To this day, I have no idea where she is or if she is walking with Jesus. But today, I remember her. God has reminded me to pray for her today.

I just finished reading a book called "Confessions" by Saint Augustine. In this memoir, he recalls all of his beliefs, unbelief, and doubts before believing in Jesus as the truth. In the first chapter, he tries answering the question: "Who then are you, my God?" This is what he comes up with.

"Most high, utterly good, utterly powerful, most omnipotent, most merciful and most just, deeply hidden yet most intimately present, perfection of both beauty and strength, stable and incomprehensible, immutable and yet changing all things, never new, never old, making everything new and 'leading' the proud 'to be old without their knowledge'; always active, always in repose, gathering to yourself but not in need, supporting and filling and protecting, creating and nurturing and bringing to maturity, searching even though to you nothing is lacking: you love without burning, you are jealous in a way that is free of anxiety, you 'repent' (Genesis 6:6) without the pain of regret, you are wrathful and remain tranquil. You will change without any change in your design. You recover what you find, yet have never lost. Never in any need, you rejoice in your gains; you are never avaricious, yet you require interest. We pay you more than you require so long as to make you our debtor, yet who has anything which does not belong to you? (1 Cor. 4:7). You pay off debts, though owing nothing to anyone; you cancel debts and incur no loss"

This is the same God who loves every person I hate. This is the same God who gives his creation a choice to turn to Him, knowing that many of them will turn away. He created us knowing that His heart would break in the process of trying to bring us back to Him. But now, we are coming back. His children are calling out to Him. When I read this, I know that this is the God I serve and attempt to love. I'm overwhelmed and humbled. I feel small yet utterly significant to God. I feel a rush of adrenaline right now as I understand that God looks at me and sees JESUS. His heart breaks when I turn from Him. His incomprehensible grace and mercy reign over my mind. I ask myself...HOW? How can a God so love a fallen heart like mine? How could a King so royal like Jesus joyfully go to the cross for ME? How can he love a mindless fallen race like humans? I cannot grasp it. Therefore I stand in awe. That is all we can do. We can stand in the presence of God and bask in His glory as we were made to do.

The last thing that Augustine’s excerpt helps me to understand is this: this is the same God who loves those who I love. Now when I think about how much my heart calls to the people of East Asia and think about how much I love them, it pales in comparison to how much God loves them. And then I’m reminded that even if I forget, God won’t. His love won’t let Him. The last part of the song I wrote goes like this.

I’m afraid I’ll forget you

I’m afraid I won’t need you

So I’ll promise you one thing

It’s the only promise I can make

Love won’t forsake you

He’ll never leave you

‘Cause your heart is failing

And your eyes are closing

And you don’t know

I remember seeing you,

I remember wondering

Are we the same?

Are we different at all?

I think about how much these people need Jesus and how there are people in underground churches who are at risk for persecution because they have chosen to follow Christ. I have always told myself that they need Jesus more than I do. But then I realize that perhaps, in my comfortable, selfish, apathetic, passive, safe, American faith, my need for Jesus is no different than the people of this East Asia. After writing this song, I understand that my need for Jesus is just as great as theirs. And perhaps it's even greater because of the ways that I overindulge in this world. Love won't forsake them, nor will He forsake me. Because we know this, it is our calling to let others know. Love won't forsake us and will not let us forsake them. He will not forsake them. Tonight, I rest in that.

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His Glory Appears

Today I sat on the top floor of the Educational Sciences building (which is conveniently located behind my house) and watched the sunset. It was an unplanned event on my part, but not on God's. The result of me attempting to do homework resulted in God deciding that I needed to spend at least a couple minutes with Him. I decided He was right. I put my quiet time music on shuffle and took out my Bible and journal. As Lifehouse's "Everything" came on, I started to remember a lot about my life. As many of you know, about 3 1/2 years ago, I gave my life to Christ at Fall Getaway while He captured my heart during a drama in which "Everything" was used. So many thoughts and memories came flooding back to me in that moment. I remember everything about it: who I was sitting next to, what I did before, what I did after, who the actors were, where in that gym I was sitting, even what I was wearing. It was the pivotal moment in my life when I truly heard the Creator say to me for the first time "I love you. I want you. Come to me."

I sat in Ed Sci and smiled because I knew that God wanted me to remember Him in a simple, but significant way. He wanted me to delight in the things that I delighted in when I first met Him, His love, His grace, His justice, His life, His glory, HIM. With Lifehouse still playing through my earbuds, I started to write in my journal about how great God is. Then the song reached its end and I heard the final lyrics:

"How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"

I thought to myself..."truly...what could be better this?! Jesus is with me right now. What could be better?" Then the next song on my shuffle started. "His Glory Appears" by Hillsong. The first verse talks about how Jesus died for us and gives us hope because of the cross. I was excited about Jesus. Oh, was I excited. Then I thought again, "how could this get better?" Then I looked at the sun, and right as the lyrics "And his glory appears like the light from the sun. Age to age...He shines" blared through my ears, sun rays appeared from behind very thin clouds. Can you imagine my joy and excitement in that moment? I can't explain in words what I felt. I can't explain how clearly I saw Jesus in the sun. I realized, I was seeing the smallest amount of glory that my human eyes could handle. I felt weak at the knees, head over heels, nervous and giddy all at the same time. I felt like God was physically present. Today was the closest I have ever been to seeing the glory of God to the extent that my human eyes allow me to. None of this experience was of me. I believe God wanted me to go to the top floor of Ed Sci, not do homework and then have an intimate experience with His love and His heart. His glory, His beauty, His radiance. As I watched the sunset over Madison with my eyes closed and the sun on my face, God reminded me that when I come before Him, I can bask in His glory and bask in Him.

God hears me. He knows me. He's everything. He desires me. He delights in me. He wants me to enjoy Him. He wants me to love Him. He wants me. Therefore, He shows me things. He is real. He is who He says He is. In His glory and in His majesty, He wants to love me and protect me. I am His child. Jesus is my King. He loves me. It is in His glory that I rest tonight.

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"This day, we fight"

Because I'm a film major, it's hard for me to watch a movie without analyzing how it was made. The first time I watched Inception in theaters, I counted the shot length (the amount of time the camera remains on something without interruption, when it cuts, it's a new "shot") of a two minute sequence at the beginning of the film (starting right when Arthur is shot in the head in dreamworld). Because I counted shots, I missed what actually happened within the story. I counted to 120 and using my hands, counted the number of times the camera cut. This sequence averaged about 14 seconds (give or take a few seconds). Don't ask me why I remember that. All I know is that sometimes, I just want to enjoy a movie for the story it tells. I unknowingly believe that if I use my knowledge of film theory and film history, I can appreciate a film more. More often than not, I can appreciate a film that others don't like. Not because I'm above them, but because my mind is programmed to search for things that the average Joe film-goer wouldn't look for. However, outside of my film classes, I search and analyze too deep and try to become the director or sound technician or score composer.

This is how I often think about God's word. Unfortunately, I've come to realize that it's a direct reflection of how I think about God. I'll read a part of Scripture and try my hardest to think about it on a really deep level or try to get something out of it that others might not. I don't think this is to say that I want know more than others (sometimes it is), but it's moreso my thirst to know God. And I don't mean that in a boastfully. This isn't the kind of knowing that we often talk about as Christians. When questioning whether or not someone is a Christian, we often ask: "does he/she know Jesus?" We use that term loosely. At least, I have up until now. There's a difference between knowing about God and knowing God, which I'll give my thoughts on soon. The following is a quote from the introduction of John Piper's newest book "Think."

"The way we glorify him is by knowing him truly, by treasuring him above all things, and by living in a way that shows he is our supreme treasure." Then he quotes a segment of Philippians: 'It is my eager expectation and hope that...Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain....To depart and be with Christ...is far better....I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.' (Phil. 1:2--21, 23; 3:8) Therefore the main reason God has given us minds is that we might seek out and find all the reasons that exist for treasuring him in all things and above all things."

I don't think I've ever talked about theology more than I have in the last 5 months. Predestination, creation, God's actions in the Old Testament vs. New Testament, Jesus' 2nd return, homosexuality (this particular one has come up the most), and so much more. I find myself loving theology. A part of me feels intelligent because I have an amateur opinion about these things and understand them on some level. I can confidently talk to someone about theology and play devil's advocate. But I never stop to think about why. Why do I want to understand these things? Right now, as I write this, the only thing I can say is "I have completely missed the point." I've missed the point of what it means to love God with my mind. I believe that I have at least attempted to love God with my heart and my soul, but not so much with my mind. I want to know so much about God and how to defend my faith that I forget why I have faith at all. I get so caught up in intelligence. To be honest, I'm tired of talking about theology and trying to look deeper past the Gospel. The Gospel IS the deep stuff. Jesus is the deep stuff. Even though I enjoy theological discussion and want this world to understand the church and the different ways it sees "gray" areas," I forget that I am made to do that for JESUS. Not for the sake of Christians or for the sake of this world. I was made (we were made) to know God in a sense of standing in His presence and basking in His glory. Through this, we can know Him. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. All this isn't to say that we aren't supposed to ask hard questions about theology or gray areas. We should. But please, do not forget why. Slowly, I can see that my mind does not fight hard enough to glorify God. Which brings me to my next thought.

One question I'm often asked as a film major is what my favorite movie is. I always say the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I love it because there are thousands of people, a few dozen in particular, fighting for something. It's not something empty. In the second movie at Osgiliath, in the midst of battle between man and Uruk-hai, Frodo pins Sam to the ground and puts a sword to his neck. Sam, frightened, is still able to say "It's me. It's your Sam. Don't you know your Sam?" Feeling defeated by the evil surrounding him, Frodo let's him go, drops the sword. He asks, "What are we fighting for, Sam?" And Sam replies with something that makes my heart soar. "That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for." This is an incredible picture of how Jesus tries to speak to us. Because Frodo is weighed down by the ring and the evil that surrounds them, his vision (metaphorically speaking) and his mind are blurred and he attacks the one person who chooses to walk beside him from start to finish: Sam. Even in our darkest hours where our hearts and minds pin Jesus to the ground with a sword to His neck, I believe He looks at us and says "It's me. It's your Jesus. Don't you know your Jesus?" Jesus giving us possession of Himself is not something we should take lightly.

"Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist and the breastplate of righteousness in place...In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the word of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
--Ephesians 6:14-17

Now picture this. All followers of Jesus coming together to fight a battle. We put on armor and sharpen our swords and secure our helmets into place. You're standing beside your best friends and people you've met that you greatly admire. And we charge against the enemy being told this:

"A day may come when the courage of men fails; when we forsake our brothers and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the age of men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight. By all that you hold dear, I bid you stand: men of the west." (Aragorn before charging to fight in battle)

We charge, and in unison, we are shouting our BATTLECRY:



You'll experience triumph. You'll experience faith. You'll lead troops to beat down the enemy. You'll protect your soldiers. Commanders will acknowledge you for your bravery and swordsmanship. But you'll also get tired. You will experience casualty and failure. You'll be tempted to join the enemy because it's easier to fight on that side. You'll be tempted to betray and abandon fellow soldiers because some are too weak or don't know how to fight like the strongest. In fact, some of the best soldiers will turn against you. You'll be discouraged and will want to give up. You will hate. You won't like how some people fight. But remember this, it is not about you or any soldier. Remember this above all, the war has already been won by the very person you are fighting for. You're invincible and untouchable because of your armor. You'll end up with cuts and bruises...but you will win if you believe that your armor protects you. So don't stop. Fight HARD. Fight like you truly believe that you've won. Ask yourself this: Are you fighting like Jesus is worth it? The only thing we must do is fight til the end. The enemy knows this. He will do all he can to make you believe that these things are false. Don't let the enemy win.

Brothers and sisters, "this day" is EVERYDAY. We must fight with this intensity everyday. No matter how easy or hard a task, this is how we must fight. We fight to know God with our minds, hearts and souls. We fight to proclaim His name to this evil and broken world that we live in. Fight hard. Realize your unique role in the battle and understand the battle you're fighting. You have the Spirit of the LIVING GOD in you. You have the energy to fight. You have the capability to be an amazing soldier. So don't say you don't know how to fight. You do. You were created to do nothing but fight this fight. Believe it.

The Soldier's Creed/Warrior Ethos

I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.

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A painful kind of Love

A significant aspect of my walk has been understanding just a little bit what it means to LOVE. And not just any love. But AGAPE.

Agape is self-denial for the sake of another. Our English word "agony" comes from agape. When I think of agony, I imagine someone being so passionately absorbed in something that it causes us an emotional or perhaps physical pain. Agony is painful. It hurts. Maybe I'm stretching it...but in knowing this...I can't hear "Agape" and not think that it means to love so much that it hurts. Agape is how God loves us. I don't think Agape is God's love because God himself is love. But I believe that God has agape FOR us. He loves us SO much that it hurts him when we choose people before Him. He loves us so much that it hurts Him to see us hurting as He strips us of pride and the things we believe make us happy.

God has given us certain things because He loves us and wants us to be happy. He doesn't just give because He feels like it. An education, friends, family, clothes, an earthly home...even materalistic things like laptops, iPods, cellphones, cars, MONEY, etc. How on earth can we believe that He blesses us with those kinds of things just because he wants to do it for us? Yes...it's true. But he blesses us with all of these things in order for us to use them to worship Him. Ask yourself this...how have you glorified God through your laptop today? How have you used your homework to love God with your heart and mind? How have you loved God today? Have you loved God at all today?

We live our lives striving to be like Him by doing all the stereotypical things of Christian culture. Christian culture tells you to do good things. Christian culture judges those who only go to church on Easter and Christmas. Christian culture believes they have a right to judge those outside of the church at all. Christian culture says that the music at a church was really great. Christian culture makes clones who walk and talk the same.

But Jesus? He makes radical disciples who realize that they're all different because they're the same in God's eyes. Disciples of Jesus understand and believe that musical worship is about worshiping God in His glory, NOT about how they did or didn't or can or couldn't connect with God because of the worship songs played during that service. Jesus tells us that we're inadequate and righteous at the same time. Jesus tells his disciples, us, that we have a duty to love the people who hate Him. Jesus tells us to take up our cross and FOLLOW him. When you're in a caravan, the leader signals so you know where to go and when. We must look for God's blinker and follow Him. We must mimic Him so we can get to where we are meant to be. We must love like Jesus did.

One of the greatest examples of Jesus loving during his ministry is in John 11 when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. The book of John refers to Lazarus as someone that Jesus loves (11:3). Shortly after being made aware that Lazarus is sick, Jesus receives news from Lazarus' sisters that he has died. His response to Lazarus's sisters is "Your brother will rise again...I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (John 11:23, 25-26). Jesus KNOWS that He is going to rise Lazarus from the dead. Yet...in John 11:35, Jesus weeps. Even though Jesus knew what was going to happen, His heart still broke when he saw someone he loved helpless and dead. Jesus had a physical reaction because of how much he loved Lazarus.

This is how God sees us. He sees us the way Jesus saw Lazarus. Even though he understood that the one whom he loved would rise again...his heart hurt. When we are hurting, God hurts with us. In fact, I believe that it hurts God more. We're not called to live happily. We're called to live our lives in a manner WORTHY OF THE GOSPEL.

Paul was absolutely right when he said "If I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing" --1 Corinthians 13: If we are called to love and live like Jesus and follow Him...we must suffer. We must feel pain. We must cry and sacrifice. This is what love is. GOD IS LOVE. Maybe you're thinking that it's too hard to do. It's too hard to love people who hate you. To be blunt and honest...we hate God everyday when we sin. Or you might say...it's too hard to love God when you're spiritual state is in shambles. We must ask our Father for strength and trust that despite how emotional we get...He will remain steady. Jesus is SEATED at the right hand of God. He isn't pacing. He isn't emotional like humans are. Trust that God will love you. Trust that DOES love you. Trust that he will abound grace to you to help you love Him back.

Jesus said "Whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me"--Matthew 25:40. So...this is what you do: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." After you get the slightest glimpse of what that means...other things will come naturally. After you experience true and raw Agape, You will understand just a little (and I mean little) what the Father experienced as He was forced to turn away as His Son endured the wrath of His own Father. It was a holy, burning, passionate, joyful, but painful love. THIS is the greatest love of all.

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Fall in love and hold nothing back

So, I work at Chick-Fil-A. It's fast food, so you can only imagine what it's like to work there. We have set up all of these stereotypes about who works at these "fast food" chains and what the atmosphere is like. There was a day last week where I felt every emotion I could possibly have felt. At one point, I wanted to scream in frustration with how far behind we were in orders. (at one point, we were 20+ orders behind. eek!). My patience was tested and I realized something that seems simple: I need God. All the time in everything. Intellectually, I know that. But once I grasped that just a little bit with my heart, a lot of things came flooding to me.

I have a friend named Josh whose writing is just BEAUTIFUL. The rhythm of his words and the incredible pictures he paints leave me feeling refreshed. A few months ago, he wrote about having this cry in us when we most desire to share something but have no words for it.

He puts it better than I ever could:
__________________________
"Sometimes I imagine all of humanity gathered together in a giant field, all staring at the sky and screaming something, our hands not content to remain at our sides and our souls resolved to not stay silent. I can see the image so clearly in my head, and sometimes the roar becomes so loud that it drowns out the noises in reality, but for the majority of my life I could not understand a word we were screaming. I knew exactly what emotions it would invoke as it came out, and I could taste exactly how the words would taste as they left my soul and made their way out of my mouth, but I could not spell them with letters."

Josh Lancette
http://joshlancette.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/for-what-we-cry/
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His words are the perfect way to describe how I've been feeling as of late. It's like I have all this pent up emotion that has had no release due to pride and honestly, lack of time. Because of this, I have unknowingly become numb to so much. I don't know how to convey my thoughts in words...not even to God. I have had to rely on the faith that God knows my heart. And I know he does, but when your heart is screaming for release, the rest of you becomes entangled in it and consumes your every thought. Don't get me wrong, I love it here and love the people. The Lord is teaching me about leadership and how to share my faith, but I feel as though I am going through the deeds with no faith. I don't have faith that God will move in my life. I was telling a friend the other day that "getting something" out of project may not be the best thing in the world. We often think that But it could very well be something that makes us angry. It could be letting go of a relationship or letting go of unhealthy friendships. It could be the reality that your parents are choosing not to believe in God. It could be the reality that this world is slowly dying and you're not doing anything about it. I've had moments of frustration with the way I've felt while being here. I've definitely felt like I wasn't "getting anything" out of project. In those moments, I've questioned God's goodness. I've even questioned His love for me. I've believed that God would relieve me of my bitter and unfaithful hearts if I did everything in His name. But God reminded me of a conversation that I had with my good friend, Evan. We discussed this: we would feel so much more power and strength if we brought Jesus to life. Meaning...we always say "Jesus is with us all the time." But do we really bring Him to life and picture Him physically with us? Because that's exactly how we should feel! You would feel empowered to love and live radically like He calls us to.

It's been a process...but I'm slowly leaving that stale place of complacency and unwinding the truths of who Jesus is. It's really beautiful the way Jesus is coming into my life more and more. I feel like He's pursuing me. I know He always is. But it's been so great how clear He is making it that HE LOVES ME. Everyday for the past 2 weeks, I have been captured with that simple yet so profound fact: God loves me. God loves me despite my nature to leave Him and sin. He loves me even though I don't love Him all the time. Jesus died and rose again for me. He died for every sin of mine. While I know that no sin is bigger than the other...i just can't wrap my head around the fact that Jesus died because one day, I couldn't help but be a glutton and eat too much. Or that so many times in one day, I envy someone who can sing better than I can, or looks better than I do. Or that I get upset at someone for getting in my way. Or judge someone for talking too much. All these little and trivial things that are still sin...Jesus had to die for it. And that 1. makes Jesus more incredible than I already thought and 2. is such a display of LOVE.

As I try to love the Lord with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul and all my strength...one lyric comes to my head by Copeland: "If you fall in love, fall in love and hold nothing back." (Hold Nothing Back).

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Life's a mission

So much for weekly updates, eh? Sorry! The schedule down here is so much busier than I had anticipated so please forgive me! An short update on NMB project itself:

1. Last week, God used the people on our project to initiate over 2500 spiritual conversations, present the gospel over 600 times, and lead 101 people to Christ!
2. There's only one temperature here: HOT
3. I'm working at Chik-fil-A...which is a fast food restaurant that serves a lot of Chicken.
4. I'm now leading the acoustic worship team on sunday nights for the project (something I'm still getting used to saying)
5. My roommates/bible study/impact group are AMAZING
6. Prayer requests!
-For strength and energy for everyone on the project. It's fun...but exhausting
-For unity among the students and staff...it's been awesome...but pray for even more unity :)
-For safety for the project people, but also for the MANY high school kids around who come here to party hard
7. Tonight marks the start of World week! Yay!!
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This is what has been on my mind lately.

For anyone who knows me, they'd say I'm a pretty extroverted person. However, I've found myself wanting to be by myself or in small groups rather than big group stuff. I've definitely included myself, no worries. But I've found that it's only during my alone time that I'm able to think about why I'm truly here: to grow in order to be sent.

As I go from work to project events, I find myself so incredibly focused on my personal growth (it's not a bad thing, by any means...it's the reason I came here) that I forget what burdens I know I'm meant to live with. One of those burdens is the weight of eternal glory. We are taught that eternal perspective means not to live by worldly standards and know with our minds and hearts that things like grades and appearance don't matter. I couldn't agree more with that. But do I live that way? Nope...because I let my flesh take over.

About a month before coming to North Myrtle, I had a conversation with my two good friends Johanna and Emily about what eternal perspective really means. As we sat in what UW-Madison calls "the prayer room" at 1am on a monday night, we realized what it meant to LIVE with an eternal perspective. Over and over again in the Bible, prophecies are fulfilled and nations are changed. The last prophecy of the bible is that Jesus is coming back. Meaning, that is what we're waiting on RIGHT NOW. We're waiting for Jesus to come back. What kind of weight is that to carry? The bible says that "He will come like a thief in the night." No one knows when He will return except the Father. Yet, we discussed this idea: that if somehow, we knew when and where Jesus was to return...true worshippers and believers around the world would drop everything to go to the world. The way we interact with people who walk down the street would change radically. I picture my friends and I sitting around a map and designating others to different places around the globe. Just picture it! What would it look like to see every knee bow at the name of Jesus and what would it sound like to hear every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord? It would be BEAUTIFUL. Other than God, I can't think of a sight more astounding than the sight of everyone worshipping our King and giving Him the praise He deserves. And when I think about Jesus' return, it gets me excited because in heaven, we are seated in the heavenly realms and are CO-HEIRS with Christ! In heaven, it will be an eternity without pain, suffering and sin and only with love, passion, joy and peace. Even further, we will be embraced by our true love and hear "well done my good and faithful servant."

So...my burden is this: I can't wait for heaven and can't wait to stand before Him and rejoice in victory, but I have this heart wrenching fear that-as bad as it sounds-Jesus is going to come back too soon. I'm burdened at the thought of knowing that if Jesus came at this very moment...even though I would be able to spend eternity with Him, there would be people that I could never see again. It scares me that there are people that I love more than I can say that I would not be able to hug or love again because they would spend an eternity separated from their Creator. And I think about the lost around the world that have never heard the good news. I hear all of this and immediately, God places an urgency in my soul that returns a kind of passion and freedom that I so often forget. It's not only an urgency to share the Gospel...but it's an urgency to LOVE others. It's an urgency to truly rejoice in everything as Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

Even though the book of Revelation scares me...I KNOW that faith, hope, love, and redemption are real. I know that someday...there will be justice for orphans, widows, the oppressed and marginalized. That is why my heart continues in this battle for the Lord. We are brothers and sisters in Christ that need to unite in order to bring home the lost. We are soldiers in God's army fighting HIS fight. It's not ours to win or lose. We know that in the end, we win...so why do we give up so often? God's word, the belt of truth, the sword of the Spirit, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation...take all of that and FIGHT. Fight hard until the end because the battle is not over. Christ has taken the victory and it's just a matter of persevering through the pain and suffering. We will have casualties in our actions and words...but as we puruse Jesus with a steadfast heart and hold the the truths of love, grace, salvation and redemption...the injuries are worth it.

Life's a mission: Activate (NMB motto!)

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth." --John 4:23-24

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