Better is One Day...even better than East Asia

I have spent so much time trying to figure out why there were so many open doors and where God wanted me to be that I didn't stop to actually think. About a week ago, I determined that if money weren't a factor in what I wanted to do in the near future, I'd want to be in East Asia laboring for the Gospel. I have seen and it is my duty (NOT obligation), my privilege to be someone who can GO and be Jesus. And I know I have said this so many times recently, but I believe that God is building me up, breaking me down, molding me and filling me up to prepare me for ministry in East Asia. I can't say when...but I believe it is going to happen. I truly, with everything I am, wholeheartedly believe that my passion and righteous indignation for this country is from God. I wish I could say that I KNOW it's from Him, but I can't. A friend of mine who shares a similar love/passion for East Asia told me that trying to grasp not living in East Asia ever again is like trying to grasp infinity. This is how I feel. The thought of never going back literally pains me. It angers me, makes me want to cry and question God...but today I read Psalm 27.

"One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple..."

--Psalm 27:4-5--

I tried to grasp what it would mean if the ONE thing I sought after was to dwell with the Lord; to see His beauty and gaze on it. I would imagine that "gaze" means being completely fixated on something and just wanting to look at it forever. As simple as it may seem, this changed the way I thought about East Asia and how I pursue it so relentlessly. I was reminded of a worship song that is very dear to my heart: Better is One Day. And the ever so famous line "Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere" rained down on me so much truth. One day with God, with Jesus is better than a thousand days anywhere with anyone, even East Asia. As I sat in a coffee shop and broke down, I had peace for the first time in my life about the possibility of never going back. It still burns and it hurts, but I know that my God is enough. If He is God and if He is who He says He is, then He is enough. And I honestly don't know if I've ever been able to say that and completely believe it.

Better is one day with God than being in East Asia. Better is one day with God than having money, close friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, a full-time job, a spouse or significant other, [fill in with what you often consider better than God]. While I think I will be in East Asia again someday...and even soon, I don't know what's going to happen for sure. I've taken steps towards going back but it is now completely in God's hands. David's words are the prayer of my heart:

"I will remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD"

--Psalm 27:13-14

I believe this. I will wait and trust that God is God. I am confident that even if I don't ever go back to East Asia, I will see the goodness of the Lord. I am going to wait on Him because gazing on His beauty and seeking His face is better than anything that the human mind can comprehend; better than anything the depths of the heart and soul can feel. Even if I never go back, God is still God and He has still saved me and still loves me. God IS enough.

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Shout-Out to the Badger Cru Band

Note: This is for both the 2010-2011 band and the Current Band. So everyone read please!

For the last month and a half, I've been trying with all that I am to "let go" of or "move on" from Madison. It hasn't been working. I've had this preconceived notion that "letting go" and "moving on" means never looking back or never missing anyone/anything. I've fallen to the lie that if I have any sort of inkling to wanting to be a part of Cru in any capacity, or help the current worship team leaders or desire to be with my close friends instead of make new ones, I won't be able to move on or let go. But today, just a few moments ago, I "let go" because I realized something. I'll get to it in just a second.

I am missing the worship team like crazy. I miss leading the worship team and just the random joys, frustrations and growth I experienced through it. All these random moments of the last year from monday and thursday nights have come flooding back to me. Maybe it's just because I'm in Madison or because I'm hearing some really amazing stories about the fruit of your musical ministry this year.

Since leaving Madison though, I've had this fear that I was going to be forgotten; that my words, my leadership and shepherding failed you or led you the wrong way; that I didn't leave a legacy with Student Impact (now Badger Cru). This is what I realized today. It is my fear of having not left a legacy that hasn't allowed me to move on or whatever you wanna call it. Ultimately, that is my pride and selfishness. But in the last month, a couple of you in the band have made it known that the impact and influence was mutual....that I taught you something or influenced you. This is not to boast or glorify myself. This is to acknowledge a group of men and women who have left a legacy in my life even if I haven't left on in theirs.

To the current worship team: Your band leaders love you and follow Jesus. Trust them. Trust that they are praying and asking God for guidance as they lead you guys and the movement as well. It's not about you guys anyway, right? It's never going to be about you, your leaders, staff, primetime or your instruments. It's about Jesus. Check your hearts. Check your intentions. I have heard some incredible things about you. Even without being there, I have heard people talk you guys up like no other. Be proud! But not too proud :P Be encouraged that the time, effort and dedication you put into the band has an eternal impact. You guys are a part of a unique part of the church that only a select few get to be a part of...so consider it a privilege. And HAVE FUN! Seriously...grab dinner together. Study together. Talk about Jesus. Share your burdens, struggles, and be vulnerable. Go to greenbush together. But most of all...LOVE God and love each other. Jesus commands it!

“A new command I give you: Love one another.

As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples,

if you love one another.” - John 13:34-35

To the 2010-2011 worship team: I love you guys SO much. I know that I said that to you countless times. But you honestly don't know how much knowing you and being a part of such a unique ministry together has changed me, molded me and filled me up. I was a sinful, imperfect leader with sinful imperfect co-leaders leading sinful and imperfect musicians. But together, we served and still serve a perfect God. Thank you for being the people who helped me understand that I don't have to leave a legacy in everyone's lives...that I don't need to leave a legacy. Thank you for being my brothers and sisters. Forgive me for when I was annoying, emotional, difficult, childish, lacking leadership and a sound mind. Forgive me for the frustration I may or may not have caused you. Thank you for pointing me to Jesus time and time again and reminding me that I serve God and not myself. Thank you for making me laugh until I cried. Thank you for our jam sessions and random guitar center runs. Thank you for using your gifts and passions for our God. I love you. I love you. I love you!!!

To all of you: We're Christ followers who happen to be musicians. NOT musicians who happen to follow Christ. There's a difference. Please don't ever forget that it's Jesus who gave us our passion for music, our love for singing, playing an instrument, etc. Please don't let your pride get in the way because it will effect your entire ministry/band/movement. It's Jesus who brought us/you guys together through what can be/is very spiritually, emotionally and even physically draining.

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.

LET NOTHING MOVE YOU.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,

because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

-1 Corinthians 15:58

It's Jesus that continues to do exactly what I thought was "gone" because I was no longer a part of it. Jesus will continue this kind of work in His people through musical worship until He returns. The song "Garden" by Needtobreathe was my anthem last school year. These are the lyrics from the chorus:

"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.

Let the words I say profess my love

Let the notes I choose be Your favorite tune.

Father, let my heart be after You"

I'm praying that this would be the prayer of your hearts :)

Triple Shout-out to being friends forever and being on a worship team together forever. Literally. Heaven!

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The Real World. The Abundant Life.

I often ask recent college graduates how "the real world" is. Real, meaning you're married, have a full time or salaried job or are job searching. In the last year, I have learned a lot about what it means to live the abundant life. But. I have a Bachelor's degree from UW-Madison and I am living in my parents' house working a minimum wage job at a coffee shop busing tables and making sandwiches. Not exactly the abundant life, is it? At least according to world standards. Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. I don't have to pay for rent or food and get to hang out with my niece and nephews and see my family more. I'm simply saying that the "real world" and the "abundant life" has been skewed because of this world. Am I making sense? As Christians, we encourage each other to not conform to the pattern of this world and follow Jesus instead (Hebrews 12:1-2). That is the real world. The real world tells me that it's okay to put myself first and ultimately be selfish. The real world tells me that I need money and a full time job. The real world tells me that college graduation is what constitutes me being in the real world. The real world tells me that the abundant life means having a full time profession, whether in ministry or in the workplace. The real world has submerged me into its flood where I am left drowning in the lie that money, a relationship and having a perfect body is when I will be living the abundant life. I have even fallen under the lie that the abundant life Jesus came for us to live means being a full time missionary or being in full time ministry at a full-time job.

The truth is, we have all been living in the real world since the beginning of time. A real enemy rules the real world. But a real God--the God created this world to be good. God is all good so everything He created was meant to be good. But because we are humans, we have turned good things and beautiful things into complicated, ugly and unsatisfactory things. You should probably take this all with a grain of salt because I can't quite figure out if this is the frustrated tedious-job-searcher-minimum-wage-earner speaking or the real me. The real me being what the Apostle Paul talks about in the book of Ephesians ("they" are the Gentiles):

They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed. That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
--Ephesians 4:18-24--

The Israelites, God's chosen people, considered the Gentiles outcasts; people who were not to be affiliated with in any way. And in their pride, they focused on their title as God's chosen rather than what it really meant to be God's chosen people. They turned a good thing into a bad thing.

Pause: I know the word "bad" sounds elementary. But we are elementary as people because let's face it...we suck. I know I'm kind of all over the place...but this is me externally processing. So help me, please! Offer thoughts, questions, comments and concerns if you so desire. Okay...Back to reality (no pun intended).

The Israelites wandered in the desert for years and years. So you don't have to ask why they were scared and frustrated when they looked at their current circumstances and felt hopeless. We do the same thing. For example...for the last month, I have looked at my life and said "I'm not in a bible study and don't have any face-to-face community, I am so aware of this sin and my humanness and [insert complaint here] " I have asked myself "When, Lord? When will I be freed of this or have that?" Jesus did not come so we could complain about being human. We were not created to complain and throw ourselves a pity party when our friends are "living it up" as full time missionaries and we are stuck in a place where we don't want to be. He came so we could LIVE and be our new selves: "created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:24). THAT IS WHO WE TRULY ARE?! The cool thing is...following Jesus isn't about obtaining our new self...it's about receiving it. I love that. It's not about working to be good. It's about excepting that you are or can be new because God extends abundant grace.

So I don't want to live in the real world. I desire to flee from it. I'm going to pray for the ability to gaze at Jesus and see my savior and let that be enough because following Him is the abundant life. Being loved by Him is the abundant life. In John 10:10, Jesus said 'The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly." I always thought that doing ministry, being a full-time student, having quiet times everyday and going on missions trips is what constituted the abundant life of a Christ-follower. And while God chooses to teach us, reveal himself to us, glorify himself and bless us through those things, all of those things can be turned into selfish things. When we are able to use those things to glorify God, he looks at us and smiles. We are meant to gaze on the creator of the universe and dwell on sovereignty, holiness and authority. When we do that, our expectations change. Our expectation becomes experiencing conviction, humility and joy through failures and pain instead of getting rid of the pain. Our expectation becomes knowing God loves us despite our daily sin instead of working to try and earn God's love.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy,
to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—
this is your spiritual act of worship.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—
his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2

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A Paradoxical God and East Asia

It's kind of funny how blogging eliminates all concept of time. I started writing this blog 3 weeks ago, but you'll read it in a matter of minutes. There are thoughts you'll read about that I had weeks part, but you'll read as a consecutive thought in one sentence. This intro was written last, but you'll read it first. This also has nothing to do with the rest of the blog. Sorry! Anyway....

I am pretty famous for not being able to commit to the decisions I make because I try so hard to make sure it's the "right" decision. For me, East Asia always plays into this decision-making process because it always comes back down to if/when I'll ever be back. If you've known me for 10 minutes, you've heard me talk about East Asia. For the last 3 years, I have watched my friends be sent to this nation and watched them bring the Gospel to a harvest so beautiful; so desperate; so devastating and so oblivious to their pain and suffering. I have watched people go and come back and tell me incredible stories about how hearts of these people are changing, and people are responding to Jesus. I've heard stories about discouraging conversations from hopeful servants. I am constantly reminded that this nation is being reached. But I am also reminded that I still haven't been back and ask the Lord time and time again why. I don't know why. I have my inklings, but I don't know for sure.

My heart beats for a country that I spent a week in almost three years ago. I don't get it. I just don't get it. How in the world can 7 days in a foreign country change the course of my life? When I think about it, I really only spent 6 days there because of the long flights. Along with that, it wasn't until mid way through the week that I realized the whole point of me being there. I had shallow reasons for deciding to go but came back with a transformed heart. It was almost a reluctant transformed heart. The moment I realized that the Lord bound my heart with to this nation, I said (out loud in somewhat of a shout standing in the middle of a street alley with people around me) "NO. No freaking way. Not here." But at the end of the week when I sat on the bus to go back to the airport, my friend Shanti asked me how I felt about leaving. I didn't want to leave. This was both unexpected and terrifying. (funny story: I asked Shanti the same thing and she said something about knowing she wasn't supposed to come back. She did a year-long STINT there two years later!)

In November, I will be going back for one week (Lord willing!). The country I remember is not the country it is today so I am returning with hopes of gaining a refreshed and renewed vision. I believe that doing overseas missions is a specific part of the Lord’s calling or purpose for my life to live that abundant life Jesus calls us to in John 10:10. But I have this [perhaps irrational] fear that the Lord is bringing me back to let me say goodbye. That in itself is a whole new conversation. But when I stop to think about all of this...it's not about me. I don't have to be sent. God doesn't need me to go to East Asia. In the end, it's always about Him. Even if I am going in November to "say goodbye," it's never going to be about me because God will not abandon this nation. If I stop to think about how much my heart beats for East Asia...how much more does God's heart beat for it?

There are days where I wish I had never gone. I feel like without that week there, my life would be much simpler. I would be able to make decisions about my future without wondering if East Asia is in the picture or not. There are days where the pain is unbearable. Like right now. Like many days throughout the last 3 years. There are also days where I think I'm crazy about it completely and it's all in my head; that I'm just so programmed to want to go that I'm just saying these things. For so long, I just wanted the beating to stop (metaphorically!) so I can get on with my life. The organ in my chest that gives me life continues to beat like it always does. But my heart...my heart...beats wildly and uncontrollably for this nation. Up until recently, I would always say that it was East Asia that made my heart beat, but it's God who makes it beat. He makes it beat through so many things. But God chooses to use East Asia in my life to remind me of the Gospel. East Asia reminds me that Jesus "for the joy set before him" died in order to give us life. Paradox. It reminds me that it is the blood of the Savior that makes me clean. Paradox. It is this beating heart that reminds me that I must die to myself in order to live the abundant life Jesus came for us to live (John 10:10). Paradox. Only God can make such nonsense things make sense. I've come to understand that the Gospel is not a way to avoid death, but a way to choose life. It's the only way to choose life. I have the way to life and my heart beats because I have life. I want to continue to give it life rather than deprive it of what makes it beat: Jesus. God over all the universe, whose heart beats wildly for this nation also beats wildly for me. Sometimes, we forget that this is truly enough. God is it. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He has always been and always will be.

"...all things have been created through him and for him.
He is before all things, and in him...

ALL THINGS HOLD TOGETHER" (Colossians 1:16-17)

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The Greatest Act of In[justice]

On my best day, I can understand that there has to be a balance of confidence in the Gospel and humiliation of the flesh and body through the power of the Holy Spirit. But, even on my best day, I am still a sinner. I am still imperfect and self-seeking. And when I realize this, I am one of two things: I, through the Spirit, am completely humbled before the throne of grace and can try my best to look to Jesus for truth and grace, or I'm full of shame to the point of not being able to "face" God nor wanting to. And while I think it's necessary to feel a sense of shame and guilt because of our sin, it becomes spiritual warfare when we dwell on the guilt and shame. We are called to confess and ask for forgiveness for our sins, but we are not called to poison our minds with the Enemy's lies (I know you're thinking "well duh!"). In John 15:9-11, Jesus says:

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.
Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands,
you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands
and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you
and that your joy may be complete."

So let me ask you this: When we are burdened by bondage, guilt and shame and CHOOSE to abide in THOSE things...what will happen to you do in keeping God's commands? When I say "you," I mean you individually. We all have different areas of habitual sin (whether it's legalism, pride, pornography, judging others, apathy towards evangelism, etc) so we are attacked in very different ways, hear different lies and will feel shame in very different ways. Pastor Andy Stanley believes that we must "saturate our hearts, minds, and souls with God's truth from His word and look for specific truths that counter our lies." So BE in the word. Because the word is truth, and truth sets you free. Jesus sets you free. We were NOT called to sit in our prison cells and dwell on our sin. Almost four years ago, I choose to follow Jesus. When I made that decision, the chains that kept me in my prison were broken off, the prison cell door opened and the prison itself unlocked, allowing me to simply walk out. But up until recently, I didn't know that in certain ways, I was keeping myself in that cell. But all I have to do now is WALK OUT. Because of Jesus, I can confidently say "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (1 Corinthians 15:55).

As Christ followers, when we feel an overwhelming sense of shame or guilt and throw ourselves a pity party, we are limiting God's ability to freely give grace. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that when we are full of shame, God isn't able to give grace. I simply mean that in our own minds, we are keeping ourselves from being able to grasp how abundant grace is. By limiting God's grace, we give it an artificial scarcity in a world that so desperately needs it. More importantly, and most unfortunately, we cloud the vision of those who are already blind to the most ridiculously beautiful story in the history of this world.

This is the power of the Gospel: that God knew our disgusting and repulsive nature and rebellion but so desperately wanted to reconcile us to Himself so we could know Him. In order to do so, God the Father had to allow what was the greatest act of injustice to occur: sending His perfect son, Jesus Christ to die on a tree and endure the pain of our sin. It is because of this that we could in turn search for Him and sacrifice ourselves before Him in order to truly live and proclaim the good news to a group of people...MANKIND.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
for the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death.
For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature,
God did by sending His own son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.
And so God condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law
might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature,
but according to the Spirit." --Romans 8:1-4

There's a song by Matt Maher called "Christ is risen" with some of the most powerful lyrics I've ever come across (I could write a whole other blog about this song!):

"In strength You reign, forever let your church proclaim:
'Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death.
Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave.
Christ is risen from the dead, we are one with Him again.
Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave' "

In his letter to the Ephesians, the apostle Paul (our brother in Christ!) proclaims the Gospel with confidence:

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" --Ephesians 2:5-10

AMEN. We are RISEN with Christ. The lyrics of Matt Maher's song tug at my heartstrings and remind me that those are the words that God want me to hear. He is asking me to get up out of my apathy, shame and guilt and to keep fighting the good fight and run this race for Him. in all honestly, I feel like this is God's way of telling me "Jenny...why are you still in that grave? Just get up." Imagine yourself physically rising with Christ after being dead in your transgressions. When Jesus rose on the 3rd day, our prison cells opened and we were given the ability to walk out into glorious freedom. All at once...I am both captured and set free by the love of Christ. Jesus dying a bloody and painful death on a cross is what makes me clean and white as snow. Only God can make things so contradictory to this world the most beautiful thing in the entire existence of mankind. This is who our God is. Beautiful. Real.

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Courage. No turning back.

In the last month, I have sat through almost 30 hours worth of lectures, watched at least 25 movies (17 of which happened in class), taken 12 quizzes, 3 essay exams. I have played WAY too much guitar and lost my voice too many times to count due to hours upon hours of singing. I have laughed, cried, rejoiced and mourned. I have applied for at least 20-30 jobs (I lost count) and had no luck (yet!). I got turned down from not one but two internships with ministries. I have questioned God's goodness. A lot. I have had many "A-ha!" moments with God and then fallen into sin right after it. In other words, it's been the hardest, most challenging and confusing summer I've ever had. Because the events of the summer so far, a part of me feels like the next year of my life is going to be one that stretches me beyond what I could ever imagine.

I just finished reading a book called "A Million Ways to Die." The author Rick James talks about how we must die to ourselves in order to truly live. This means dying little deaths every day, multiple times a day. Maybe it's doing the dishes for someone else; admitting that you're wrong; not arguing, even if you're right; and anything that would require you to be humbled, humiliated or exposed as lesser than someone else. Phlippians 1:21 says "For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain." It shouldn't have taken reading a verse for the thousandth time (probably literally) to realize that dying to myself helps Jesus live through me.

On the day I graduated, my grandma was admitted to the hospital. 10 days later on a Wednesday, she passed away. Even though I know now that she is with Jesus, I had no idea where she was at first. I don't think it was a coincidence that I was reading a book about death (as morbid as it sounds) while I walked through the pain of her death. The book talks about death from every biblical perspective you can think of. Literal death. Spiritual death. Death to self. Martyrdom. But the thing I remember the most from this book was Rick James' chapters on courage. Courage, according to Rick James, isn't just sucking it up, but looking fear, danger, pain and confusion in the face and not run away, but walk towards it and eventually, into it. I got the phone call on Monday that my grandma had less than 48 hours to live. I never lost hope that she'd recover and heal, but I also never expected her to heal. Thus, I needed courage to face the inevitable. I knew that it would be painful. I quickly realized I could do nothing but pray. This was one of the most intense times of prayer I had ever had in my life. Ask me about it sometime.

In Isaiah 47:8-11, Yahweh calls out the Babylonians and charges them with these words:

“Now then, listen, you lover of pleasure, lounging in your security and saying to yourself, ‘I am, and there is none besides me. I will never be a widow or suffer the loss of children.’ Both of these will overtake you in a moment, on a single day: loss of children and widowhood. They will come upon you in full measure, in spite of your many sorceries and all your potent spells. 10 You have trusted in your wickedness and have said, ‘No one sees me.’ Your wisdom and knowledge mislead you when you say to yourself, ‘I am, and there is none besides me.’11 Disaster will come upon you, and you will not know how to conjure it away. A calamity will fall upon you that you cannot ward off with a ransom; a catastrophe you cannot foresee will suddenly come upon you."

"I am and there is none besides me." They were trying to play God in their own lives. God was asking Babylon to die to themselves; to give up their overindulgence in exchange for an abundant life with Him. Long story short, Babylon experienced a lot of pain and struggle because they did not follow God or give up their self-seeking lives. They essentially said "oh...that'll never happen to me' (v. 8). But Jesus said "I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly" (John 10:10). Sometimes, the lives we live don't seem very abundant because of pain, confusion and loss. Babylon had "it all" (whatever that means). They were rich and were envied. And when God asked them to give something up for His glory, they said no and God did what he had to to bring them back. And I can only imagine that it, to be blunt, sucked. God is asking me to walk away from the friends, ministry, passions and that He has placed in my life order to follow Him. In ignoring that, the Lord has brought a lot of conviction, tears and pain to turn me back to Him. I don't like it. Sometimes I think I hate it. But I know that it's good. These are words that keep coming back to my head.

I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back
The cross before me, the world behind me.
No turning back

And as I hear these words, I hear Jesus telling me not to worry and to have courage. I don't know where the Lord is going to take me. I'm going to finish out the summer in Madison, and then go back home where I am certain of nothing but confusion (at least for now), pain and frustration. I'll confess that I am terrified and of what is coming. But for the joy set before Him, Jesus died for me. I need courage to choose to believe that every day. I need courage to watch my best friends go do international missions work in a place that my heart feels eternally attached to. I need courage to follow Jesus. I desire the abundant life Jesus offers me. So if going home in the fall is where I'll experience it, I will follow my God there. Rick James mentions that it is courage, not merely faith that Jesus had in order to have that joy before Him. I've never really thought about courage in that way before, but now that I think about it...faith and courage go hand-in-hand. I feel like faith is something you should have in times of uncertainty or doubt. But courage is needed when you're stepping into something that you can already see. Maybe I'm wrong. And if I am, God will again, convict me. But if the Christ-following life is about waking up every morning and hoping that you'll be "right" then we've missed the point. God is calling us to die in order to live and have abundant life. Why do we fail when we try doing things on our own strength? Because we do it as Babylon did it "I am and there is none besides me." Not only is that pride...but that is selfishness. All too often we make failed attempts to control our own lives but don't realize that when we do, we are playing God in our own lives and not letting God be God. Who are we to play judge? God humbled himself and became man. I feel like that'd be like a human becoming a nat or a vile insect who lives for like an hour. Seriously? This is the God that we serve?! What a privilege. We are not God. We are not perfect. We are selfish, disobedient and sinful people who Jesus died for. So with as much joy as we can have set before us...we must go to the cross and die to ourselves, believing that the outcome of a little death results in a kind of resurrection and redemption that mimics Jesus' death just a little.

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs--
heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ
if indeed we share in his sufferings in order
that we may also share in his glory."
--Romans 8:17--

RUN to the cross. No turning back. This is the life that God has called us to live.

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Caught in Grace

I feel caught between two worlds. I am so easily consumed by the ways of this world. Whether it's overindulgence or vain conceit, my flesh desires to be a part of this world. I get caught up in "pretty" things and get caught up in trying to look a certain way. Media tells me that men desire a particular kind of woman. Media tells me that I should want to out-do other women in what I look like, how I talk, what job I have, who my friends are, etc. Media, especially America tells me that I should put myself first and be a person who should flourish in everything regardless of who it brings down. Sometimes, I want to be that person and I forget that I am not of this world, but I am a citizen of heaven.

I feel like I'm on a long road trip with Jesus. I'm the driver and He's the navigator. And every time I want to be a part of this world, I stop the car, ask him to get out and leave him on the side of the road. I drive off but realize (after I've gone too far) that I need Him because He's the one guiding the trip. Then I have to turn the car around after I have gone miles and miles in the wrong direction. That leaves me on my own, trying to retrace where I turned and which exits I took in order to go back and pick Jesus up.

But all too often, I forget a verse in which I must remind myself of everyday. Multiple times a day. In Matthew 28, Jesus says "And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age." I think I can get rid of Jesus when I want to. But I can't. He's there when I don't want Him to be. That is both a comfort and an incredibly terrifying thought. Jesus always being with me reminds me that He loves me when I don't love Him. But it also reminds me that when I sin...He's there. He sits next to me when I deny Him and sugarcoat the Gospel because I'm afraid. He sits next to me when I lie. He's watching and listening when I choose to sin. He cries when I choose to sin even when I clearly hear the Holy Spirit telling me to choose God. Why am I afraid to talk about the One who breathed me into life and controls my every breath? He holds me when no one's embrace suffices. He helps me up when I'm exhausted. He loves me. He's in love with me. He wants to know me. I spend so much time trying to say or do the right things to catch the attention of mankind that I forget that the perfect man, Jesus, wants to be with me. I am in a relationship with Him. And even when I hurt Him by choosing emptiness before His abundant love, He does everything in His power to tell me that He still loves me.

I know I'm going to fail. I have already failed today more times than I can count. But I serve a God who does not fail. I serve a God who doesn't know how to fail. Isaiah 30 talks about a nation that carries out their own plans without consulting God; a nation that has rejected God and relied on themselves and on deceit; a nation that refuses to change even when they know they are this way. I think most of me feels this way right now. I say "most of me" because I don't really know why I keep going back and forth between feeling absolutely giddy because of God's love for me and feeling apathetic and numb to who God is and what Jesus has done for me.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you: he rises to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all those who wait for him! O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you....Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying 'This is the way, walk in it'" --Isaiah 30:18-19, 21)

This passage reminds me that God guides me and shows me where to walk; He shows me that even when I reject Him, he longs to give me grace. It seems that regardless of how I feel about God, he will always feel the same way about me. A few weeks ago, I gave a talk at Primetime (the weekly meeting of Student Impact) and talked about the movie 127 hours, which is a movie about a guy whose arm gets stuck between a wall and a boulder. The only way for him to get out and be free is to cut off his own arm. I used it as an illustration of the ways that God often puts us through hard and painful things in order to heal us and free us. That is what I am experiencing right now. I am walking through a fire right now and it's painful. But it hurts in the most beautiful way. God is burning away the impurities of my heart, soul and mind. He is refining my faith and reminding me that even when I fall and choose to sin. God continues to give me grace when I sin and ask for forgiveness. But he gives me grace when I need strength to have a hard conversation and when I need a reminder that I can get through the pain that I feel. It is my task, because of his grace, to CHOOSE to love him and turn away from what this world tells me to do, say, look like, etc.

I don't know about you, but that is a kind of grace and love that moves my heart into disarray (in the best way). I feel caught in God's grace. I feel like I was walking down the street and all of a sudden it just hit me and now I can't get out of it. I've said this before, but everything about God is contradictory to this world. I am both captured and set free by God's grace. Jesus' blood has washed me clean. I am alive because of death. I need to die to myself in order to live. I don't get it. And that's the beauty of grace. Grace is incomprehensible. And it's something that God freely extends because he loves me.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came through Christ Jesus." --Romans 3:23-24

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