Sing Like Never Before, O My Soul.

I believe the psalms put into words the cry of our hearts, whether in pain or joy. Many passages in the Bible give us a history of our faith or instruct us and encourage us to persevere and point us directly to Jesus. Yes, the psalms do this. But as I have read psalms, I feel as if I am reading 150 testimonies of how the Lord manifested Himself to these specific musicians.

A psalm is a song or poem sung or played with an instrument. Today, we read them but rarely think about how the writers sang it or played it on an instrument. The psalms show us that more often than not, these writers' responses to anything they experienced in life was to externally process through song. Whether David was rejoicing, mourning, or simply in awe of God...he praised God through music in some way, shape or form. Psalm 51's short commentary says "A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba." If you read this psalm, you can almost hear David weeping in remorse and repentance as he sings. Psalm 18 is David's musical response when He is delivered from the hand of Saul...someone who, out of jealousy, tried to kill David time and time again. His words are transparent and raw. They are real. He doesn't sugarcoat how He's feeling about God.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm a lot like David in his response to life. Obviously I'm not a royalty. I don't live in palace nor command thousands of troops or go to war every 10 minutes. But the Lord has placed in me a passion and yearning for music. He allows me to sit in my room and belt out worship songs until I lose my voice because this purges me of anger, fear and frustration. While I can't write lyrics, I can sit with my guitar for an hour and simply play chords and picking patterns because brings peace and serenity. I imagine this is what David when he could spare a moment because for him, music drew him close to the Lord. Maybe not with a guitar...lyre or harp perhaps?

Evan, my dear brother in Christ, believes that, "...the product of music, like prayer or laughter or a meal with friends, can bring understanding and healing." Check out his blog!

http://ejbretzmann.tumblr.com/post/16760269552/i-listen-to-pilot-me-and-im-cliff-jumping-off

I couldn't agree more with Evan's words. For all of us, there is something that brings us so much life that it brings us to our knees. Something that leaves us feeling grateful and humbled.

Whether it's a song that causes us to shamelessly play air drums in a coffee shop or a movie score that leaves us only able to utter the words "soooo good," music stirs in us very real and lasting emotions we wouldn't otherwise experience in anything else. Whether you're shaking your head in complete unbelief of the mastery of sounds in Bon Iver's "And at once I knew/ I was not magnificent", or you're harmonizing to the almost perfect harmonies of the Civil Wars, music helps us understand, simply put, life. Music gives us words to say when we don't have our own. It brings a kind of joy and healing that nothing of human willpower can give us.

Our entire lives, be it literally or not, should sing of Jesus and what He has done for us. We are not meant to merely whisper of Jesus but PROCLAIM the Gospel with all that we are. We are called to live our lives in a manner worthy of the Gospel (Philippians 1:27). The way we represent Christ to others is the instrumental score of our lives. How we share our stories of going from death to life are the lyrics of redemption and the Gospel in our lives. Jesus is the baton that God, the Composer asks us to follow in order that those who have yet to join the symphony might be given the opportunity to be a part of the greatest composition in all of history. Biblical discipleship and ministry is the sound of those who live lives that sharpen one another (proverbs 27:17) and can thus create an almost perfect harmony of voices. The sound of these voices, if sung confidently through the following of the baton, can and WILL echo to the ends of the earth into nations that play their symphonies underground or fearfully. Or more importantly...to the nations that don't play at all and can't hear the echoes.

In whatever capacity or setting God leads me to, I desire to sing like I never have before. Of course we will never live every second of our lives with this desire. But I think it makes sense to at least desire it. I'm sorry if anything I just wrote made no sense or wasn't Christ-centered. I just wholeheartedly believe that this symphony is coming to loud, dissonant, beautiful and triumphant end in which the musicians and audience will not stand and clap to acknowledge the composer...but will bow down before Him in awe and reverence. What a sight that will be. Let's sing and play loudly.

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For Freedom

About a month ago, I found myself unable to verbalize or process anything I was thinking or feeling. It was frustrating and confusing because I am naturally an external and verbal processor. I thought it was because I wasn't doing enough to hear from God. So I did everything and anything I could that was even remotely "Christian" to see if God would show up or give me words. I didn't doubt God's presence in my life. It felt more like God was "taking a breather" from fixing my life or big crazy things. When doing didn't work, I stopped. Not out of rebellion though. I stopped because I thought, "maybe God wants me to just BE and not try so hard." Lo, and behold, I tried too hard to BE and just got lazy. This was when I had the sad and convicting realization of how legalistic I truly am.

Up until this point, I never believed myself to be legalistic. Or that I at least lacked it compared to others. Because of my past and my specific story and sin struggles, I am more likely extend grace and speak truth with grace to others rather than get frustrated and angry or be bluntly honest with others. I believe compassion is a gift that the Lord has given me to show to others. This is not to boast, it is to say that God gave me that ability to have compassion and act on it because He desires for me to know Him as a God of compassion, grace and mercy. I used to believe that I wasn't legalistic because I struggle/d with certain things that required me to know and believe that there was nothing that I could do to "make up for it."

I believe that I am a disciple of Jesus Christ and believe I am guided by his Holy Spirit. I believe I am a child of God. I believe in the message of the Gospel of Christ. I am forgiven, redeemed and freed by God who created me to know Him. I believe that Christ has covered all my sins and washed away the sting of death and the pain of sin so I could live my life to make His name known. But these are not just my individual beliefs. These are truths that by His grace, God has made known to my inherent rebellious heart. Because I believe this, I know where my identity lies and who it lies in. Because I believe this, I KNOW that one of the truths of the Gospel is that there is not a single thing I can do; a single word I can speak; a single act of love and compassion that I can perform to be loved by God.

I have recently and very tangibly realized that I am exactly who I thought I wasn't. I am a legalistic Christian who believes I have to do "x" amount of things until/before I am accepted by others as a "good" Christian. I am a legalistic Christian who thinks I will be fully accepted by God once particular sins are removed from my life.

What a bitter pill to swallow.

If we call Jesus our Lord and Savior, a lot of us think this way. We can wholeheartedly proclaim God as Redeemer and the One who set us free and we can tell others that this is who Jesus is. But we can simultaneously believe that we are not yet free from "this" sin or "that" past mistake. Why is this, you ask? For me, it's because I was legalistic about my sin and felt that I needed to work my way back up to the top.

To show me that I can do NOTHING to be accepted and loved by Him, God allowed me to experience the most tangible victory and freedom. This is not just the lovey-dovey, half-hearted freedom that we talk about. It wasn't just a taste of freedom. But it was FREEDOM. It is freedom. The kind of freedom William Wallace shouts about in his infamous freedom speech. The kind of freedom Jesus brought us when he gladly put the burden of our sins on his shoulders. The kind of freedom Jesus talks about in John 8:31-32

“If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

I always interpreted that passage as "if you know the truth, then you are really my disciple." Even though, before my realization, I was a disciple...my heart was hardened to the simple fact that God needed me to stop trying so hard. In my desperate attempts in seeking Jesus, I became legalistic. I finally realized that, in this passage, Jesus is saying "If you are really my disciple, then you already know the truth. And the truth will set you free." The realization of my legalism led me to ask myself the question: Who do I want to be? It was clear to me that I did NOT want to fall into legalism and not accept the beautiful complexity of what we call GRACE. Oh man, did I want grace. I wanted the abundant life that Jesus came for me to have. I wanted to be a disciple of Christ...just as Jesus talks about in the passage above. I have finally realized that it really is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

If we are in Christ, we are ambassadors and we are disciples of Jesus. THIS is who we are. And when we choose to walk in the ways of this world, we slip back into our old selves. The apostle Paul speaks such fiery truth when he says:

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view.
Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:
The old has gone, the new is here!
-2 Corinthians 5:17

I'm picturing Jesus shaking me and screaming at the top of His lungs..."you're FREE. FREE!" And I have finally snapped out of it and come to the realization that I no longer need to be burdened by the yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1). The AWESOME part about all of this is this: when this happened, I was doing absolutely NOTHING to fight for freedom or accept it. I was actually doing the complete opposite...I was believing that there was no hope to be set free from certain sins. So DO NOT resolve to believing that the word of God is simply a book with too many words and names that you can't pronounce. The Word itself is TRUTH. Do not resolve to only looking at the freedom offered to us...but take it in your hands and never let it go...because God never will.

Our God saves. He ALONE can save. God loves me because He does. He loves US because He does. Believe it and live like it's true...because it is. Let that set you free.

"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death."
-Romans 8:1-2-

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Our God is a God who Saves

I am so excited about Jesus right now.

Jesus said, "Follow me." THAT is the challenge of all challenges. It's almost a dare. I have spent the last few months not understanding why following Jesus was so hard. I mean...I have always known that it wasn't easy, but for some reason it was so hard to even get the motivation to want to follow Him and seek God. But tonight I sat with some amazing people who spoke so much truth into my heart. They reminded me...NO...the Spirit reminded me that if I want God, I have to remember who I am as a sinner and who God is as God. The gap between us and God is so huge and undeniably large that we truly TRULY cannot comprehend it. And once we grasp even just a little bit how wide that gap is...it is then that we can truly desire and seek God because He is God and not just so we can feel better about ourselves. It is when we understand that gap that we remember the task we have been given.

But it is that very task that overwhelms me right now. The church as been given the task to be Christ's ambassadors in a fallen world. I have failed the church and thus failed to focus on my task on a daily basis. I'm not getting legalistic or doubting the extent of God's love for me or the fact that it's by grace, through faith that I have been saved. I'm not saying we have failed to complete the task because our task still lies fresh ahead of us. I am saying that we have forgotten our task and how GREAT it is. The harvest...the PLENTIFUL harvest is all around us and we often choose to spend hours upon hours of our day [insert somewhat useless activity here] instead of acknowledging God or the task He has given me. Again...I'm not getting legalistic. I once heard a pastor say something like "...you don't have to be a radical missionary who drops everything and goes across the world...just make your life make sense with what you believe in the Bible."

The Gospel is a 2000 year old story that still transforms the hearts and minds of man. It's as powerful today as it was when Jesus ascended into heaven after his bodily resurrection and the disciples realized their task to proclaim the good news to all as Jesus commanded. God is still who He was when he created the earth and all in it. Unfortunately, overtime, we (the Church) has forgotten those things and forgotten the Gospel's power. We've forgotten who it is about. I am amongst that population. The result of our forgetfulness is an undefined and separated body. I'm not talking about denominations. I'm talking about the Church as a whole. TRUE worshippers and disciples of Christ. Denominations do not and CANNOT define who we are as Christians. Jesus defines who we are. Christian culture does not define who we are. JESUS does. And who are we? We are AMBASSADORS of the Gospel. We are the light of the world. We represent who God is and what He has done and will keep doing. As the church, we hold an unstoppable and unbreakable bond that can deter and defeat all pain, conflict, separation and enemies...especially the enemy. Our bond defeats everything that stands in the way of our purpose because God holds it together. Yahweh, LORD, Creator and Maker of all...He holds it together. Despite what the world says, I believe I am/we are a part of a generation that stands up for others and not just ourselves. Yes, we are all self-indulgent, prideful and live somewhat "safe" lives. But I have hope for our generation. In August, Campus Crusade sent 400 young adults to the world to be missionaries. Can you imagine what the numbers are when you add all the other people who are choosing to follow Jesus into the mission field? Every year, these numbers rise. I have no numbers and no real reasons except for why more laborers are being sent other than the fact that Christ is real. God is real. The Gospel is real. Being a disciple is real.

Because the faithful servants who have gone before us have prayed for us to rise up...we became disciples. Those faithful servants went to the nations, into their workplaces, educational institutions and streets and proclaimed the Gospel. We are not a new church...we are not a 'modernized' church...we are the same church that the book of Acts is about. But because we separate ourselves and set them on a pedestal, we don't realize that we are ONE. One mind. One body. One church. No walls. Ephesians 4:3-7 says

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope

when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism;

One God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.

This is why it says: "When he ascended on high,

he led captives in his train and gave gifts to men"

Hebrews 12:1-3 says

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles,

and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith,

who for the JOY SET BEFORE HIM endured the cross,

scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men,

so that you will not grow weary and lose heart"

Remember Jesus so you don't grow weary and lose heart. Remember our God. Abiding in Christ means you take hold of every one of Jesus' words every second of every moment of every day and don't let go. It means you count all you have as loss compared to the joy of knowing Christ. It means you run in a way to win the prize. The prize is Jesus. Don't become numb to the truth that God gave His Son for YOU. In your deepest moment of shame, Jesus died for you (Romans 5:8). The Gospel isn't just something we preach because we're Christians. We preach it because it gives true and real life. Walk in this truth every day.

REMEMBER our task to Love God and then love people.

REMEMBER that He has saved His people.

...most of all...

REMEMBER who God is.

REMEMBER that He gave His Son.

I'm ready to run. Please run with me! I challenge you reading this right now to RUN. FIGHT. GO. SEND. PRAY. ABIDE. LOVE. SEEK and SAVE the LOST.

I see revival. And souls are searching. Big things are happening and we have the chance to be a part of it. The time is now.

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Better is One Day...even better than East Asia

I have spent so much time trying to figure out why there were so many open doors and where God wanted me to be that I didn't stop to actually think. About a week ago, I determined that if money weren't a factor in what I wanted to do in the near future, I'd want to be in East Asia laboring for the Gospel. I have seen and it is my duty (NOT obligation), my privilege to be someone who can GO and be Jesus. And I know I have said this so many times recently, but I believe that God is building me up, breaking me down, molding me and filling me up to prepare me for ministry in East Asia. I can't say when...but I believe it is going to happen. I truly, with everything I am, wholeheartedly believe that my passion and righteous indignation for this country is from God. I wish I could say that I KNOW it's from Him, but I can't. A friend of mine who shares a similar love/passion for East Asia told me that trying to grasp not living in East Asia ever again is like trying to grasp infinity. This is how I feel. The thought of never going back literally pains me. It angers me, makes me want to cry and question God...but today I read Psalm 27.

"One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple..."

--Psalm 27:4-5--

I tried to grasp what it would mean if the ONE thing I sought after was to dwell with the Lord; to see His beauty and gaze on it. I would imagine that "gaze" means being completely fixated on something and just wanting to look at it forever. As simple as it may seem, this changed the way I thought about East Asia and how I pursue it so relentlessly. I was reminded of a worship song that is very dear to my heart: Better is One Day. And the ever so famous line "Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere" rained down on me so much truth. One day with God, with Jesus is better than a thousand days anywhere with anyone, even East Asia. As I sat in a coffee shop and broke down, I had peace for the first time in my life about the possibility of never going back. It still burns and it hurts, but I know that my God is enough. If He is God and if He is who He says He is, then He is enough. And I honestly don't know if I've ever been able to say that and completely believe it.

Better is one day with God than being in East Asia. Better is one day with God than having money, close friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, a full-time job, a spouse or significant other, [fill in with what you often consider better than God]. While I think I will be in East Asia again someday...and even soon, I don't know what's going to happen for sure. I've taken steps towards going back but it is now completely in God's hands. David's words are the prayer of my heart:

"I will remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD"

--Psalm 27:13-14

I believe this. I will wait and trust that God is God. I am confident that even if I don't ever go back to East Asia, I will see the goodness of the Lord. I am going to wait on Him because gazing on His beauty and seeking His face is better than anything that the human mind can comprehend; better than anything the depths of the heart and soul can feel. Even if I never go back, God is still God and He has still saved me and still loves me. God IS enough.

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Shout-Out to the Badger Cru Band

Note: This is for both the 2010-2011 band and the Current Band. So everyone read please!

For the last month and a half, I've been trying with all that I am to "let go" of or "move on" from Madison. It hasn't been working. I've had this preconceived notion that "letting go" and "moving on" means never looking back or never missing anyone/anything. I've fallen to the lie that if I have any sort of inkling to wanting to be a part of Cru in any capacity, or help the current worship team leaders or desire to be with my close friends instead of make new ones, I won't be able to move on or let go. But today, just a few moments ago, I "let go" because I realized something. I'll get to it in just a second.

I am missing the worship team like crazy. I miss leading the worship team and just the random joys, frustrations and growth I experienced through it. All these random moments of the last year from monday and thursday nights have come flooding back to me. Maybe it's just because I'm in Madison or because I'm hearing some really amazing stories about the fruit of your musical ministry this year.

Since leaving Madison though, I've had this fear that I was going to be forgotten; that my words, my leadership and shepherding failed you or led you the wrong way; that I didn't leave a legacy with Student Impact (now Badger Cru). This is what I realized today. It is my fear of having not left a legacy that hasn't allowed me to move on or whatever you wanna call it. Ultimately, that is my pride and selfishness. But in the last month, a couple of you in the band have made it known that the impact and influence was mutual....that I taught you something or influenced you. This is not to boast or glorify myself. This is to acknowledge a group of men and women who have left a legacy in my life even if I haven't left on in theirs.

To the current worship team: Your band leaders love you and follow Jesus. Trust them. Trust that they are praying and asking God for guidance as they lead you guys and the movement as well. It's not about you guys anyway, right? It's never going to be about you, your leaders, staff, primetime or your instruments. It's about Jesus. Check your hearts. Check your intentions. I have heard some incredible things about you. Even without being there, I have heard people talk you guys up like no other. Be proud! But not too proud :P Be encouraged that the time, effort and dedication you put into the band has an eternal impact. You guys are a part of a unique part of the church that only a select few get to be a part of...so consider it a privilege. And HAVE FUN! Seriously...grab dinner together. Study together. Talk about Jesus. Share your burdens, struggles, and be vulnerable. Go to greenbush together. But most of all...LOVE God and love each other. Jesus commands it!

“A new command I give you: Love one another.

As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples,

if you love one another.” - John 13:34-35

To the 2010-2011 worship team: I love you guys SO much. I know that I said that to you countless times. But you honestly don't know how much knowing you and being a part of such a unique ministry together has changed me, molded me and filled me up. I was a sinful, imperfect leader with sinful imperfect co-leaders leading sinful and imperfect musicians. But together, we served and still serve a perfect God. Thank you for being the people who helped me understand that I don't have to leave a legacy in everyone's lives...that I don't need to leave a legacy. Thank you for being my brothers and sisters. Forgive me for when I was annoying, emotional, difficult, childish, lacking leadership and a sound mind. Forgive me for the frustration I may or may not have caused you. Thank you for pointing me to Jesus time and time again and reminding me that I serve God and not myself. Thank you for making me laugh until I cried. Thank you for our jam sessions and random guitar center runs. Thank you for using your gifts and passions for our God. I love you. I love you. I love you!!!

To all of you: We're Christ followers who happen to be musicians. NOT musicians who happen to follow Christ. There's a difference. Please don't ever forget that it's Jesus who gave us our passion for music, our love for singing, playing an instrument, etc. Please don't let your pride get in the way because it will effect your entire ministry/band/movement. It's Jesus who brought us/you guys together through what can be/is very spiritually, emotionally and even physically draining.

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.

LET NOTHING MOVE YOU.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,

because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

-1 Corinthians 15:58

It's Jesus that continues to do exactly what I thought was "gone" because I was no longer a part of it. Jesus will continue this kind of work in His people through musical worship until He returns. The song "Garden" by Needtobreathe was my anthem last school year. These are the lyrics from the chorus:

"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.

Let the words I say profess my love

Let the notes I choose be Your favorite tune.

Father, let my heart be after You"

I'm praying that this would be the prayer of your hearts :)

Triple Shout-out to being friends forever and being on a worship team together forever. Literally. Heaven!

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The Real World. The Abundant Life.

I often ask recent college graduates how "the real world" is. Real, meaning you're married, have a full time or salaried job or are job searching. In the last year, I have learned a lot about what it means to live the abundant life. But. I have a Bachelor's degree from UW-Madison and I am living in my parents' house working a minimum wage job at a coffee shop busing tables and making sandwiches. Not exactly the abundant life, is it? At least according to world standards. Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. I don't have to pay for rent or food and get to hang out with my niece and nephews and see my family more. I'm simply saying that the "real world" and the "abundant life" has been skewed because of this world. Am I making sense? As Christians, we encourage each other to not conform to the pattern of this world and follow Jesus instead (Hebrews 12:1-2). That is the real world. The real world tells me that it's okay to put myself first and ultimately be selfish. The real world tells me that I need money and a full time job. The real world tells me that college graduation is what constitutes me being in the real world. The real world tells me that the abundant life means having a full time profession, whether in ministry or in the workplace. The real world has submerged me into its flood where I am left drowning in the lie that money, a relationship and having a perfect body is when I will be living the abundant life. I have even fallen under the lie that the abundant life Jesus came for us to live means being a full time missionary or being in full time ministry at a full-time job.

The truth is, we have all been living in the real world since the beginning of time. A real enemy rules the real world. But a real God--the God created this world to be good. God is all good so everything He created was meant to be good. But because we are humans, we have turned good things and beautiful things into complicated, ugly and unsatisfactory things. You should probably take this all with a grain of salt because I can't quite figure out if this is the frustrated tedious-job-searcher-minimum-wage-earner speaking or the real me. The real me being what the Apostle Paul talks about in the book of Ephesians ("they" are the Gentiles):

They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed. That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
--Ephesians 4:18-24--

The Israelites, God's chosen people, considered the Gentiles outcasts; people who were not to be affiliated with in any way. And in their pride, they focused on their title as God's chosen rather than what it really meant to be God's chosen people. They turned a good thing into a bad thing.

Pause: I know the word "bad" sounds elementary. But we are elementary as people because let's face it...we suck. I know I'm kind of all over the place...but this is me externally processing. So help me, please! Offer thoughts, questions, comments and concerns if you so desire. Okay...Back to reality (no pun intended).

The Israelites wandered in the desert for years and years. So you don't have to ask why they were scared and frustrated when they looked at their current circumstances and felt hopeless. We do the same thing. For example...for the last month, I have looked at my life and said "I'm not in a bible study and don't have any face-to-face community, I am so aware of this sin and my humanness and [insert complaint here] " I have asked myself "When, Lord? When will I be freed of this or have that?" Jesus did not come so we could complain about being human. We were not created to complain and throw ourselves a pity party when our friends are "living it up" as full time missionaries and we are stuck in a place where we don't want to be. He came so we could LIVE and be our new selves: "created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:24). THAT IS WHO WE TRULY ARE?! The cool thing is...following Jesus isn't about obtaining our new self...it's about receiving it. I love that. It's not about working to be good. It's about excepting that you are or can be new because God extends abundant grace.

So I don't want to live in the real world. I desire to flee from it. I'm going to pray for the ability to gaze at Jesus and see my savior and let that be enough because following Him is the abundant life. Being loved by Him is the abundant life. In John 10:10, Jesus said 'The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly." I always thought that doing ministry, being a full-time student, having quiet times everyday and going on missions trips is what constituted the abundant life of a Christ-follower. And while God chooses to teach us, reveal himself to us, glorify himself and bless us through those things, all of those things can be turned into selfish things. When we are able to use those things to glorify God, he looks at us and smiles. We are meant to gaze on the creator of the universe and dwell on sovereignty, holiness and authority. When we do that, our expectations change. Our expectation becomes experiencing conviction, humility and joy through failures and pain instead of getting rid of the pain. Our expectation becomes knowing God loves us despite our daily sin instead of working to try and earn God's love.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy,
to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—
this is your spiritual act of worship.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—
his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2

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A Paradoxical God and East Asia

It's kind of funny how blogging eliminates all concept of time. I started writing this blog 3 weeks ago, but you'll read it in a matter of minutes. There are thoughts you'll read about that I had weeks part, but you'll read as a consecutive thought in one sentence. This intro was written last, but you'll read it first. This also has nothing to do with the rest of the blog. Sorry! Anyway....

I am pretty famous for not being able to commit to the decisions I make because I try so hard to make sure it's the "right" decision. For me, East Asia always plays into this decision-making process because it always comes back down to if/when I'll ever be back. If you've known me for 10 minutes, you've heard me talk about East Asia. For the last 3 years, I have watched my friends be sent to this nation and watched them bring the Gospel to a harvest so beautiful; so desperate; so devastating and so oblivious to their pain and suffering. I have watched people go and come back and tell me incredible stories about how hearts of these people are changing, and people are responding to Jesus. I've heard stories about discouraging conversations from hopeful servants. I am constantly reminded that this nation is being reached. But I am also reminded that I still haven't been back and ask the Lord time and time again why. I don't know why. I have my inklings, but I don't know for sure.

My heart beats for a country that I spent a week in almost three years ago. I don't get it. I just don't get it. How in the world can 7 days in a foreign country change the course of my life? When I think about it, I really only spent 6 days there because of the long flights. Along with that, it wasn't until mid way through the week that I realized the whole point of me being there. I had shallow reasons for deciding to go but came back with a transformed heart. It was almost a reluctant transformed heart. The moment I realized that the Lord bound my heart with to this nation, I said (out loud in somewhat of a shout standing in the middle of a street alley with people around me) "NO. No freaking way. Not here." But at the end of the week when I sat on the bus to go back to the airport, my friend Shanti asked me how I felt about leaving. I didn't want to leave. This was both unexpected and terrifying. (funny story: I asked Shanti the same thing and she said something about knowing she wasn't supposed to come back. She did a year-long STINT there two years later!)

In November, I will be going back for one week (Lord willing!). The country I remember is not the country it is today so I am returning with hopes of gaining a refreshed and renewed vision. I believe that doing overseas missions is a specific part of the Lord’s calling or purpose for my life to live that abundant life Jesus calls us to in John 10:10. But I have this [perhaps irrational] fear that the Lord is bringing me back to let me say goodbye. That in itself is a whole new conversation. But when I stop to think about all of this...it's not about me. I don't have to be sent. God doesn't need me to go to East Asia. In the end, it's always about Him. Even if I am going in November to "say goodbye," it's never going to be about me because God will not abandon this nation. If I stop to think about how much my heart beats for East Asia...how much more does God's heart beat for it?

There are days where I wish I had never gone. I feel like without that week there, my life would be much simpler. I would be able to make decisions about my future without wondering if East Asia is in the picture or not. There are days where the pain is unbearable. Like right now. Like many days throughout the last 3 years. There are also days where I think I'm crazy about it completely and it's all in my head; that I'm just so programmed to want to go that I'm just saying these things. For so long, I just wanted the beating to stop (metaphorically!) so I can get on with my life. The organ in my chest that gives me life continues to beat like it always does. But my heart...my heart...beats wildly and uncontrollably for this nation. Up until recently, I would always say that it was East Asia that made my heart beat, but it's God who makes it beat. He makes it beat through so many things. But God chooses to use East Asia in my life to remind me of the Gospel. East Asia reminds me that Jesus "for the joy set before him" died in order to give us life. Paradox. It reminds me that it is the blood of the Savior that makes me clean. Paradox. It is this beating heart that reminds me that I must die to myself in order to live the abundant life Jesus came for us to live (John 10:10). Paradox. Only God can make such nonsense things make sense. I've come to understand that the Gospel is not a way to avoid death, but a way to choose life. It's the only way to choose life. I have the way to life and my heart beats because I have life. I want to continue to give it life rather than deprive it of what makes it beat: Jesus. God over all the universe, whose heart beats wildly for this nation also beats wildly for me. Sometimes, we forget that this is truly enough. God is it. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He has always been and always will be.

"...all things have been created through him and for him.
He is before all things, and in him...

ALL THINGS HOLD TOGETHER" (Colossians 1:16-17)

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