"These things we long for..."

As many of you know, the Lord has placed a time of waiting in my life in regards to full-time missions work overseas, specifically in East Asia. Eleven days ago, after 4 years of waiting, I boarded a plane for this smoggy, crowded and devastatingly beautiful nation. I'll save stories and details for another time, but I will say that I, along with the 9 others I went with, got to experience what the Lord is doing in East Asia.

Four days ago, I boarded a plane to return home to Madison. Getting on a plane to leave this nation was the most painful thing I've experienced in a long time. I'm not comparing this pain to that of what follows with the death of a loved one or the heartbreak of a long relationship. It isn't the pain that you pray away...it's the pain that is synonymous with a holy anguish. This kind of pain sits at the core of my being and flutters at the mention or even thought of East Asia. It's as if the Lord has engraved this nation into the marrow of my bones, every neuron of my brain and every crevice of my broken life. It is a kind of pain that I never want to be healed and a love that I know will never be lost. It's pain that comes from Jesus and unconditional love that is a display of God's love for us.

As we settled onto the plane and it took off...it surprised me how numb I felt about leaving. I didn't cry, I didn't flinch and didn't experience sadness or anger or frustration. As soon as the seat belt light turned off, I read a bit and then watched a movie. But as I turned off the movie a few hours after take-off and put played music through my ipod, these words by Mumford and Sons hit me like the cold hits your lungs on a below zero winter day, "I will love with urgency but not with haste."

My numbness quickly turned into uncontrollable tears. This happened 3 separate times on the plane. This was not of me. The only explanation for it: Jesus. As I sit here, I still don't understand how it makes ANY sense that this is the nation my heart beats for. But I do understand that as I love East Asia, my God loves it more. That is why this holy anguish exists in me. Whether my "time" in East Asia is this next year, in 10 years or never...I will love with urgency but not with haste. I think about Jesus' words to the disicples before ascending into heaven:

“He [Jesus] said to them, ‘It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by His own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.”- Acts 1:7-8

I look at my past and my specific sin struggles (pride, selfishness, religiosity, sexual sin and immorality, jealousy, idolizing life and relationships over Jesus, etc) and wonder if it's those things that "qualify" me as a laborer for East Asia. I struggle with jealousy of my peers who are fearlessly serving in East Asia right now. How are they better than me? How can I become more like them? Can I go once I'm more like them?

This is a frustrating but real picture of human depravity. God's mission is about HIM, not me. Yet, my nature can so easily make this heart break and pain about me. God did not create people in East Asia so that my heart could break for them. He didn't create them so I would have a specific purpose within the Great Commission. He created them because they are His sons and daughters. They are his lost sons and daughters which we have been entrusted with. We, as Christ-followers, have been given the only means of life by which they can be called back home to their Father.

In the last four days, I've been re-living the 5 days I spent in East Asia and have clung to moments of joy because I have no idea when I'll be able to experience it again. I have idolized my experiences and the fruit that was born through those times. This reminds me of Jesus sending out the 72 (Luke 10). When the 72 are sent, they return rejoicing in the truth that even the demons submit to them. In other words, they took more joy in their successes in ministry before anything else. Jesus responds with this:

"I have given you authority to trample on snakes 

and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; 

nothing will harm you.  

However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, 

but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

Luke 10:19-20

My name is written in heaven. Another translation says it's written in the book of life. But it is only because of what Jesus did on the cross. He bore my shame and died a gruesome and painful death, both physically and spiritually so that my name could be written in the book of life. Why should I ever desire anything more than Jesus, Himself? Why should I ever rejoice more in the fruit of ministry more than the One who is the vine? 

Tonight, a friend shared this quote with me from Lewis' "The Weight of Glory":

"These things [we long for]- the beauty, 

the memory of our own past- 

are good images of what we really desire; 

but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, 

they turn into dumb idols, 

breaking the hearts of their worshippers. 

For they are not the thing itself; 

they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, 

the echo of a tune we have not heard, 

news from a country we have never yet visited." 

- CS Lewis

The reality is that what I long for is only a glimpse of my Creator's longing for East Asia...for my entire heart. Though I may falter to give Him all of me or surrender my future with East Asia to Him...He will never falter to relentlessly pursue me. In Him we live and move and have our being. Every breath I take as I write this is a gift from Him. Though I often attempt to pray it away, every tear I shed and every moment of pain and heartbreak for East Asia is from Him...which means it's good. So whether I return to East Asia tomorrow, next year or never...my God is surely God. Yahweh. Perfect. Author and Writer of my life and faith. Creator of my every nerve, cell, movement and moment of joy. To not live and move and breathe solely for the God who causes me to do so would be a mistake. 

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Waiting and Waiting

I am still confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the LORD
    in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:13-14. These words have become the underlying theme of my unemployed and restless season of life. Life has been slow and somewhat mundane. Every day is starting to look and feel the same. It's neither good nor bad (though there are days when it's one or the other). But over all, it's neither good nor bad. I don't expect a flurry of events to bring excitement and busyness. I am not bored with God. Rather, I am impatient to see how His promises for my life will present itself right now. This, if it isn't clear enough already, is my selfish heart speaking. Why do I think I am entitled to see God's promises in my life? I don't know. But God makes a promise to me in His word:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose - Romans 8:28-29

It's not that I feel I am being punished or deprived of anything. It's just easier to doubt God's promises when life circumstances tell you something different. Psalm 27 reminds me that I must wait. God is who He says He is. This means everyday...I have to choose to fight for confidence in what has been promised.

Yes, I'm confused and frustrated and lacking direction because any direction is out of my control. Yet, I feel that I am being prepared for something. I don't know what it is, obviously. It could bring an unbearable pain or joy beyond measure. It could be something completely random that could set off an incredibly beautiful chain of events. Whatever is coming, I know that God is asking me to wait and not rush what is going to be. What more does patience ask for than faith? Faith is confidence in the character of God...that He's who He says He is. There are days in when I believe He's who He claims to be. There are days when I don't because my perspective of God's faithfulness is clouded by my wavering emotions and impatience. The beautiful thing is that it doesn't matter how I may or may not feel because God does not change nor does He fail, regardless of what I believe He is doing. And by the grace of God, despite all of this, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is God in all things. Because of that...I have a reason, a purpose to be who He has called me to be: His daughter, His love, His vessel and ambassador. 

He holds all things together. He is real and living. He's my Redeemer who promises victory. He's my Savior who took my punishment and freed me from the yoke of slavery. He's my God who did not spare His Son, but gave him for me...that I may know Him and His goodness. He keeps His promises and I will pray expectantly that I will see them...that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. 

I will leave with what is becoming an anthem of my heart. 

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Sing Like Never Before, O My Soul.

I believe the psalms put into words the cry of our hearts, whether in pain or joy. Many passages in the Bible give us a history of our faith or instruct us and encourage us to persevere and point us directly to Jesus. Yes, the psalms do this. But as I have read psalms, I feel as if I am reading 150 testimonies of how the Lord manifested Himself to these specific musicians.

A psalm is a song or poem sung or played with an instrument. Today, we read them but rarely think about how the writers sang it or played it on an instrument. The psalms show us that more often than not, these writers' responses to anything they experienced in life was to externally process through song. Whether David was rejoicing, mourning, or simply in awe of God...he praised God through music in some way, shape or form. Psalm 51's short commentary says "A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba." If you read this psalm, you can almost hear David weeping in remorse and repentance as he sings. Psalm 18 is David's musical response when He is delivered from the hand of Saul...someone who, out of jealousy, tried to kill David time and time again. His words are transparent and raw. They are real. He doesn't sugarcoat how He's feeling about God.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm a lot like David in his response to life. Obviously I'm not a royalty. I don't live in palace nor command thousands of troops or go to war every 10 minutes. But the Lord has placed in me a passion and yearning for music. He allows me to sit in my room and belt out worship songs until I lose my voice because this purges me of anger, fear and frustration. While I can't write lyrics, I can sit with my guitar for an hour and simply play chords and picking patterns because brings peace and serenity. I imagine this is what David when he could spare a moment because for him, music drew him close to the Lord. Maybe not with a guitar...lyre or harp perhaps?

Evan, my dear brother in Christ, believes that, "...the product of music, like prayer or laughter or a meal with friends, can bring understanding and healing." Check out his blog!

http://ejbretzmann.tumblr.com/post/16760269552/i-listen-to-pilot-me-and-im-cliff-jumping-off

I couldn't agree more with Evan's words. For all of us, there is something that brings us so much life that it brings us to our knees. Something that leaves us feeling grateful and humbled.

Whether it's a song that causes us to shamelessly play air drums in a coffee shop or a movie score that leaves us only able to utter the words "soooo good," music stirs in us very real and lasting emotions we wouldn't otherwise experience in anything else. Whether you're shaking your head in complete unbelief of the mastery of sounds in Bon Iver's "And at once I knew/ I was not magnificent", or you're harmonizing to the almost perfect harmonies of the Civil Wars, music helps us understand, simply put, life. Music gives us words to say when we don't have our own. It brings a kind of joy and healing that nothing of human willpower can give us.

Our entire lives, be it literally or not, should sing of Jesus and what He has done for us. We are not meant to merely whisper of Jesus but PROCLAIM the Gospel with all that we are. We are called to live our lives in a manner worthy of the Gospel (Philippians 1:27). The way we represent Christ to others is the instrumental score of our lives. How we share our stories of going from death to life are the lyrics of redemption and the Gospel in our lives. Jesus is the baton that God, the Composer asks us to follow in order that those who have yet to join the symphony might be given the opportunity to be a part of the greatest composition in all of history. Biblical discipleship and ministry is the sound of those who live lives that sharpen one another (proverbs 27:17) and can thus create an almost perfect harmony of voices. The sound of these voices, if sung confidently through the following of the baton, can and WILL echo to the ends of the earth into nations that play their symphonies underground or fearfully. Or more importantly...to the nations that don't play at all and can't hear the echoes.

In whatever capacity or setting God leads me to, I desire to sing like I never have before. Of course we will never live every second of our lives with this desire. But I think it makes sense to at least desire it. I'm sorry if anything I just wrote made no sense or wasn't Christ-centered. I just wholeheartedly believe that this symphony is coming to loud, dissonant, beautiful and triumphant end in which the musicians and audience will not stand and clap to acknowledge the composer...but will bow down before Him in awe and reverence. What a sight that will be. Let's sing and play loudly.

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For Freedom

About a month ago, I found myself unable to verbalize or process anything I was thinking or feeling. It was frustrating and confusing because I am naturally an external and verbal processor. I thought it was because I wasn't doing enough to hear from God. So I did everything and anything I could that was even remotely "Christian" to see if God would show up or give me words. I didn't doubt God's presence in my life. It felt more like God was "taking a breather" from fixing my life or big crazy things. When doing didn't work, I stopped. Not out of rebellion though. I stopped because I thought, "maybe God wants me to just BE and not try so hard." Lo, and behold, I tried too hard to BE and just got lazy. This was when I had the sad and convicting realization of how legalistic I truly am.

Up until this point, I never believed myself to be legalistic. Or that I at least lacked it compared to others. Because of my past and my specific story and sin struggles, I am more likely extend grace and speak truth with grace to others rather than get frustrated and angry or be bluntly honest with others. I believe compassion is a gift that the Lord has given me to show to others. This is not to boast, it is to say that God gave me that ability to have compassion and act on it because He desires for me to know Him as a God of compassion, grace and mercy. I used to believe that I wasn't legalistic because I struggle/d with certain things that required me to know and believe that there was nothing that I could do to "make up for it."

I believe that I am a disciple of Jesus Christ and believe I am guided by his Holy Spirit. I believe I am a child of God. I believe in the message of the Gospel of Christ. I am forgiven, redeemed and freed by God who created me to know Him. I believe that Christ has covered all my sins and washed away the sting of death and the pain of sin so I could live my life to make His name known. But these are not just my individual beliefs. These are truths that by His grace, God has made known to my inherent rebellious heart. Because I believe this, I know where my identity lies and who it lies in. Because I believe this, I KNOW that one of the truths of the Gospel is that there is not a single thing I can do; a single word I can speak; a single act of love and compassion that I can perform to be loved by God.

I have recently and very tangibly realized that I am exactly who I thought I wasn't. I am a legalistic Christian who believes I have to do "x" amount of things until/before I am accepted by others as a "good" Christian. I am a legalistic Christian who thinks I will be fully accepted by God once particular sins are removed from my life.

What a bitter pill to swallow.

If we call Jesus our Lord and Savior, a lot of us think this way. We can wholeheartedly proclaim God as Redeemer and the One who set us free and we can tell others that this is who Jesus is. But we can simultaneously believe that we are not yet free from "this" sin or "that" past mistake. Why is this, you ask? For me, it's because I was legalistic about my sin and felt that I needed to work my way back up to the top.

To show me that I can do NOTHING to be accepted and loved by Him, God allowed me to experience the most tangible victory and freedom. This is not just the lovey-dovey, half-hearted freedom that we talk about. It wasn't just a taste of freedom. But it was FREEDOM. It is freedom. The kind of freedom William Wallace shouts about in his infamous freedom speech. The kind of freedom Jesus brought us when he gladly put the burden of our sins on his shoulders. The kind of freedom Jesus talks about in John 8:31-32

“If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

I always interpreted that passage as "if you know the truth, then you are really my disciple." Even though, before my realization, I was a disciple...my heart was hardened to the simple fact that God needed me to stop trying so hard. In my desperate attempts in seeking Jesus, I became legalistic. I finally realized that, in this passage, Jesus is saying "If you are really my disciple, then you already know the truth. And the truth will set you free." The realization of my legalism led me to ask myself the question: Who do I want to be? It was clear to me that I did NOT want to fall into legalism and not accept the beautiful complexity of what we call GRACE. Oh man, did I want grace. I wanted the abundant life that Jesus came for me to have. I wanted to be a disciple of Christ...just as Jesus talks about in the passage above. I have finally realized that it really is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

If we are in Christ, we are ambassadors and we are disciples of Jesus. THIS is who we are. And when we choose to walk in the ways of this world, we slip back into our old selves. The apostle Paul speaks such fiery truth when he says:

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view.
Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:
The old has gone, the new is here!
-2 Corinthians 5:17

I'm picturing Jesus shaking me and screaming at the top of His lungs..."you're FREE. FREE!" And I have finally snapped out of it and come to the realization that I no longer need to be burdened by the yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1). The AWESOME part about all of this is this: when this happened, I was doing absolutely NOTHING to fight for freedom or accept it. I was actually doing the complete opposite...I was believing that there was no hope to be set free from certain sins. So DO NOT resolve to believing that the word of God is simply a book with too many words and names that you can't pronounce. The Word itself is TRUTH. Do not resolve to only looking at the freedom offered to us...but take it in your hands and never let it go...because God never will.

Our God saves. He ALONE can save. God loves me because He does. He loves US because He does. Believe it and live like it's true...because it is. Let that set you free.

"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death."
-Romans 8:1-2-

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Our God is a God who Saves

I am so excited about Jesus right now.

Jesus said, "Follow me." THAT is the challenge of all challenges. It's almost a dare. I have spent the last few months not understanding why following Jesus was so hard. I mean...I have always known that it wasn't easy, but for some reason it was so hard to even get the motivation to want to follow Him and seek God. But tonight I sat with some amazing people who spoke so much truth into my heart. They reminded me...NO...the Spirit reminded me that if I want God, I have to remember who I am as a sinner and who God is as God. The gap between us and God is so huge and undeniably large that we truly TRULY cannot comprehend it. And once we grasp even just a little bit how wide that gap is...it is then that we can truly desire and seek God because He is God and not just so we can feel better about ourselves. It is when we understand that gap that we remember the task we have been given.

But it is that very task that overwhelms me right now. The church as been given the task to be Christ's ambassadors in a fallen world. I have failed the church and thus failed to focus on my task on a daily basis. I'm not getting legalistic or doubting the extent of God's love for me or the fact that it's by grace, through faith that I have been saved. I'm not saying we have failed to complete the task because our task still lies fresh ahead of us. I am saying that we have forgotten our task and how GREAT it is. The harvest...the PLENTIFUL harvest is all around us and we often choose to spend hours upon hours of our day [insert somewhat useless activity here] instead of acknowledging God or the task He has given me. Again...I'm not getting legalistic. I once heard a pastor say something like "...you don't have to be a radical missionary who drops everything and goes across the world...just make your life make sense with what you believe in the Bible."

The Gospel is a 2000 year old story that still transforms the hearts and minds of man. It's as powerful today as it was when Jesus ascended into heaven after his bodily resurrection and the disciples realized their task to proclaim the good news to all as Jesus commanded. God is still who He was when he created the earth and all in it. Unfortunately, overtime, we (the Church) has forgotten those things and forgotten the Gospel's power. We've forgotten who it is about. I am amongst that population. The result of our forgetfulness is an undefined and separated body. I'm not talking about denominations. I'm talking about the Church as a whole. TRUE worshippers and disciples of Christ. Denominations do not and CANNOT define who we are as Christians. Jesus defines who we are. Christian culture does not define who we are. JESUS does. And who are we? We are AMBASSADORS of the Gospel. We are the light of the world. We represent who God is and what He has done and will keep doing. As the church, we hold an unstoppable and unbreakable bond that can deter and defeat all pain, conflict, separation and enemies...especially the enemy. Our bond defeats everything that stands in the way of our purpose because God holds it together. Yahweh, LORD, Creator and Maker of all...He holds it together. Despite what the world says, I believe I am/we are a part of a generation that stands up for others and not just ourselves. Yes, we are all self-indulgent, prideful and live somewhat "safe" lives. But I have hope for our generation. In August, Campus Crusade sent 400 young adults to the world to be missionaries. Can you imagine what the numbers are when you add all the other people who are choosing to follow Jesus into the mission field? Every year, these numbers rise. I have no numbers and no real reasons except for why more laborers are being sent other than the fact that Christ is real. God is real. The Gospel is real. Being a disciple is real.

Because the faithful servants who have gone before us have prayed for us to rise up...we became disciples. Those faithful servants went to the nations, into their workplaces, educational institutions and streets and proclaimed the Gospel. We are not a new church...we are not a 'modernized' church...we are the same church that the book of Acts is about. But because we separate ourselves and set them on a pedestal, we don't realize that we are ONE. One mind. One body. One church. No walls. Ephesians 4:3-7 says

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope

when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism;

One God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.

This is why it says: "When he ascended on high,

he led captives in his train and gave gifts to men"

Hebrews 12:1-3 says

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles,

and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith,

who for the JOY SET BEFORE HIM endured the cross,

scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men,

so that you will not grow weary and lose heart"

Remember Jesus so you don't grow weary and lose heart. Remember our God. Abiding in Christ means you take hold of every one of Jesus' words every second of every moment of every day and don't let go. It means you count all you have as loss compared to the joy of knowing Christ. It means you run in a way to win the prize. The prize is Jesus. Don't become numb to the truth that God gave His Son for YOU. In your deepest moment of shame, Jesus died for you (Romans 5:8). The Gospel isn't just something we preach because we're Christians. We preach it because it gives true and real life. Walk in this truth every day.

REMEMBER our task to Love God and then love people.

REMEMBER that He has saved His people.

...most of all...

REMEMBER who God is.

REMEMBER that He gave His Son.

I'm ready to run. Please run with me! I challenge you reading this right now to RUN. FIGHT. GO. SEND. PRAY. ABIDE. LOVE. SEEK and SAVE the LOST.

I see revival. And souls are searching. Big things are happening and we have the chance to be a part of it. The time is now.

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Better is One Day...even better than East Asia

I have spent so much time trying to figure out why there were so many open doors and where God wanted me to be that I didn't stop to actually think. About a week ago, I determined that if money weren't a factor in what I wanted to do in the near future, I'd want to be in East Asia laboring for the Gospel. I have seen and it is my duty (NOT obligation), my privilege to be someone who can GO and be Jesus. And I know I have said this so many times recently, but I believe that God is building me up, breaking me down, molding me and filling me up to prepare me for ministry in East Asia. I can't say when...but I believe it is going to happen. I truly, with everything I am, wholeheartedly believe that my passion and righteous indignation for this country is from God. I wish I could say that I KNOW it's from Him, but I can't. A friend of mine who shares a similar love/passion for East Asia told me that trying to grasp not living in East Asia ever again is like trying to grasp infinity. This is how I feel. The thought of never going back literally pains me. It angers me, makes me want to cry and question God...but today I read Psalm 27.

"One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple..."

--Psalm 27:4-5--

I tried to grasp what it would mean if the ONE thing I sought after was to dwell with the Lord; to see His beauty and gaze on it. I would imagine that "gaze" means being completely fixated on something and just wanting to look at it forever. As simple as it may seem, this changed the way I thought about East Asia and how I pursue it so relentlessly. I was reminded of a worship song that is very dear to my heart: Better is One Day. And the ever so famous line "Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere" rained down on me so much truth. One day with God, with Jesus is better than a thousand days anywhere with anyone, even East Asia. As I sat in a coffee shop and broke down, I had peace for the first time in my life about the possibility of never going back. It still burns and it hurts, but I know that my God is enough. If He is God and if He is who He says He is, then He is enough. And I honestly don't know if I've ever been able to say that and completely believe it.

Better is one day with God than being in East Asia. Better is one day with God than having money, close friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, a full-time job, a spouse or significant other, [fill in with what you often consider better than God]. While I think I will be in East Asia again someday...and even soon, I don't know what's going to happen for sure. I've taken steps towards going back but it is now completely in God's hands. David's words are the prayer of my heart:

"I will remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD"

--Psalm 27:13-14

I believe this. I will wait and trust that God is God. I am confident that even if I don't ever go back to East Asia, I will see the goodness of the Lord. I am going to wait on Him because gazing on His beauty and seeking His face is better than anything that the human mind can comprehend; better than anything the depths of the heart and soul can feel. Even if I never go back, God is still God and He has still saved me and still loves me. God IS enough.

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Shout-Out to the Badger Cru Band

Note: This is for both the 2010-2011 band and the Current Band. So everyone read please!

For the last month and a half, I've been trying with all that I am to "let go" of or "move on" from Madison. It hasn't been working. I've had this preconceived notion that "letting go" and "moving on" means never looking back or never missing anyone/anything. I've fallen to the lie that if I have any sort of inkling to wanting to be a part of Cru in any capacity, or help the current worship team leaders or desire to be with my close friends instead of make new ones, I won't be able to move on or let go. But today, just a few moments ago, I "let go" because I realized something. I'll get to it in just a second.

I am missing the worship team like crazy. I miss leading the worship team and just the random joys, frustrations and growth I experienced through it. All these random moments of the last year from monday and thursday nights have come flooding back to me. Maybe it's just because I'm in Madison or because I'm hearing some really amazing stories about the fruit of your musical ministry this year.

Since leaving Madison though, I've had this fear that I was going to be forgotten; that my words, my leadership and shepherding failed you or led you the wrong way; that I didn't leave a legacy with Student Impact (now Badger Cru). This is what I realized today. It is my fear of having not left a legacy that hasn't allowed me to move on or whatever you wanna call it. Ultimately, that is my pride and selfishness. But in the last month, a couple of you in the band have made it known that the impact and influence was mutual....that I taught you something or influenced you. This is not to boast or glorify myself. This is to acknowledge a group of men and women who have left a legacy in my life even if I haven't left on in theirs.

To the current worship team: Your band leaders love you and follow Jesus. Trust them. Trust that they are praying and asking God for guidance as they lead you guys and the movement as well. It's not about you guys anyway, right? It's never going to be about you, your leaders, staff, primetime or your instruments. It's about Jesus. Check your hearts. Check your intentions. I have heard some incredible things about you. Even without being there, I have heard people talk you guys up like no other. Be proud! But not too proud :P Be encouraged that the time, effort and dedication you put into the band has an eternal impact. You guys are a part of a unique part of the church that only a select few get to be a part of...so consider it a privilege. And HAVE FUN! Seriously...grab dinner together. Study together. Talk about Jesus. Share your burdens, struggles, and be vulnerable. Go to greenbush together. But most of all...LOVE God and love each other. Jesus commands it!

“A new command I give you: Love one another.

As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples,

if you love one another.” - John 13:34-35

To the 2010-2011 worship team: I love you guys SO much. I know that I said that to you countless times. But you honestly don't know how much knowing you and being a part of such a unique ministry together has changed me, molded me and filled me up. I was a sinful, imperfect leader with sinful imperfect co-leaders leading sinful and imperfect musicians. But together, we served and still serve a perfect God. Thank you for being the people who helped me understand that I don't have to leave a legacy in everyone's lives...that I don't need to leave a legacy. Thank you for being my brothers and sisters. Forgive me for when I was annoying, emotional, difficult, childish, lacking leadership and a sound mind. Forgive me for the frustration I may or may not have caused you. Thank you for pointing me to Jesus time and time again and reminding me that I serve God and not myself. Thank you for making me laugh until I cried. Thank you for our jam sessions and random guitar center runs. Thank you for using your gifts and passions for our God. I love you. I love you. I love you!!!

To all of you: We're Christ followers who happen to be musicians. NOT musicians who happen to follow Christ. There's a difference. Please don't ever forget that it's Jesus who gave us our passion for music, our love for singing, playing an instrument, etc. Please don't let your pride get in the way because it will effect your entire ministry/band/movement. It's Jesus who brought us/you guys together through what can be/is very spiritually, emotionally and even physically draining.

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.

LET NOTHING MOVE YOU.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,

because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

-1 Corinthians 15:58

It's Jesus that continues to do exactly what I thought was "gone" because I was no longer a part of it. Jesus will continue this kind of work in His people through musical worship until He returns. The song "Garden" by Needtobreathe was my anthem last school year. These are the lyrics from the chorus:

"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.

Let the words I say profess my love

Let the notes I choose be Your favorite tune.

Father, let my heart be after You"

I'm praying that this would be the prayer of your hearts :)

Triple Shout-out to being friends forever and being on a worship team together forever. Literally. Heaven!

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