I Have Made Mistakes

In John 14, Jesus promised his disciples an advocate, one that would come to teach and remind them of all that Jesus had done.

In Acts 1:6-8, we see this promise spoken over the disciples again. 

So when [the disciples] had come together, they asked [Jesus], "Lord, will you at this time restore the kingdom to Israel. [Jesus] said to them, "It is not for you to know the times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all of Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." 

I would think, and this is conjecture, that the disciples were either feeling empowered, or absolutely terrified. Maybe both. Regardless of their feelings, Jesus spoke this to them.

What a task to be entrusted with...

"you will be my witnesses...to the ends of the earth."

They knew Jerusalem, Judea, and Samaria, but what was "to the ends of the earth?" How on earth (literally) would they know when they had reached the ends of the earth? Regardless of that, we know that they followed through with their mission because you and I are here today, believing in Jesus, seeking to fulfill the same mission the first disciples sought to fulfill and struggling to know how to follow Christ, but doing it in faith. To these disciples, the words of Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20) wasn't the Great Commission. They were the last words of their Teacher, Savior, and Lord. 

So they walked faithfully in it. They didn't do it just because it sounded cool. 

I don't want to help fulfill the Great Commission because it sounds really cool. I want to help fulfill the Great Commission because Christ is my first love, and because He has said "do this, and I will be with you." 

The Church today has had the Great Commission and ministry of different kinds handed down to us generation by generation. Stories have been told of brothers and sisters in Christ who have counted the cost and truly and earnestly committed their lives to Jesus, and to making a definite attempt at the rescuing of those men and women who are without true life and without it in reach. It is through the Bible and stories like modern day apostles like Jim Elliot, Amy Carmichael, and Bill Bright (that list could be unbelievably long) that we are taught what it looks like to follow Jesus. 

But what was it like for the very first group of Christians, trying to figure out how to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth. How many times did they ask themselves...HOW DO WE DO THIS?! It's hard for me to believe that they "struggled" to understand what it meant to follow Jesus because of all the great things God's word says about their lives and their place in continuing Christ's ministry. 

Yet, I think of someone like Peter. He made some mistakes, right? When you think of Peter's story, what do you think?

He was a fisherman. 

He once tried to tell Jesus, GOD, that He was wrong (Matthew 16:21-23)

He denied Jesus. Three times.

He cut off that one guy's ear.

Then...

He literally RAN to Jesus when he found out that He came back to life.

He became the rock of the church.

He preached the first sermon that added 3000 to the early church 

What a story of redemption. Yes. But He continued to make mistakes. He continued to sin. He struggled to know what it looked like to follow Jesus. Even in the midst of 3000 coming to Christ in one day, after ONE sermon (Acts 2), he was just a man.

But He was God's man. 

I am God's girl. 

To have that identity, belonging to God, is not a small thing. That identity...it makes us extraordinary. Extraordinary in Christ, and for Christ. Believing in Jesus as Lord and Savior reconciles me back to my Creator, my Heavenly Father. It gives me the identity that I was created to have and allows me to live freely, despite my struggles with sin, because that punishment was taken on the cross. Jesus paid it. 

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation." - 2 Corinthians 5:17-19

The early church was entrusted with Jesus' last words. Can you imagine the accountability and effort it must have taken to make sure that those words were known and believed from generation to generation? They struggled, yes, but they fought to hand down the baton of the Gospel to the next generation. Here we are today, still doing that. Whether it's emotional, spiritual, physical or mental struggle, we have hope beyond hope. 

His name is Jesus. 

We are called to clothe ourselves in love. We are called to put on the full armor of God and fight the good fight. To equip the saints. To walk in obedience. To live in the identities restored and given back to us by our good good Father. 

What mistakes have you made today that you feel separates you from Jesus? What regretful sin do you keep running through your head? What thoughts and questions are you asking yourself?

Why did I do that...again?
When will I be done with this? 
This sin is keeping me from growing in Christ.
No one could love me if I struggle with this.

"I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will remember your sins no more," God, in Isaiah 43:25

He loves us ferociously. 

As someone who knows all to well what it looks like to struggle with the same sin over and over and over, I implore you...don't live out of a false identity that you don't have and were not created to live in. Your sin, other people, not even Satan has the power to define who you are. You don't even have the power to define who you are. Only God can do that. 

God remembers your sin no more. Rest in that truth, and fight. Continue to learn our good Shepherd's voice and follow it. 

There's a song that often brings me comfort when I experience times where I feel hopeless to change. "I Have Made Mistakes" by the Oh Hellos.

"I have made mistakes, I continue to make them

The promises I've made, I continue to break them

And all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them

But nothing is a waste if you learn from it

And the sun, it does not cause us to grow

It is the rain that will strengthen your soul

And it will make you whole

We have lived in fear, and our fear has betrayed us

But we will overcome the apathy that has made us

Because we are not alone in the dark with our demons

And we have made mistakes

But we've learned from them

Oh, my heart, how can I face you now?

We both know how badly I've let you down. 

I am afraid.

I am afraid of all that I've build fading away."

That last set of lyrics is the struggle we have internally when we are faced with the reality of our sin. Your spirit will be so willing, but your flesh will be so weak. We believe God has the power to change and transform us, to re-wire the parts of our brains that are hard-wired towards a specific sin struggle...but we need Him to help our unbelief. 

It's okay to struggle and it's okay to doubt. It's okay to not be okay. The struggle is real. The doubt is real. But God is real too. He dwells in you. 

He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Today, right now, in this moment, He is working to correct the things that were broken. In me, in you and in the world. He is mending hearts and ushering in the Kingdom. His will is being done here in us. Let Him do that in you, for HIS sake. 

Love you guys. 

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"Because He delighted in me..."

I often read Psalm 18 when I need to be comforted. And if you look at the Psalm right now, you'd probably say the same thing. 

"I love you, O Lord, my strength. The lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death encompassed me. the torrents of destruction assailed me; the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me..." (Psalm 18:1-5)

While all of this is an example of how we should remind ourselves of truth in the midst of distress, pain and frustration, all to often, we focus on our own comfort and circumstances. Please note, I am not saying that the Word of God is steering us in the wrong direction by giving us this Psalm or any scriptures that point towards comfort. What I'm saying is this: Instead of seeking God to simply be with Him (which is ultimately what provides us with what we actually need) in the midst of our hurts, we seek Him instead to temporarily numb out our hurts. All too often, we don't actually want Him. Only what He can give us. 

That is precisely what I was doing today when I started reading Psalm 18. Then something happened. Verse 6 happened. And God opened up my eyes to what Psalm 18 is should really be about.

6 In my distress I called upon the Lord;
    to my God I cried for help.

And from his temple he heard my voice,
    and my cry to him reached his ears.

7 Then the earth reeled and rocked;
    the foundations also of the mountains trembled
    and quaked, because he was angry.
8 Smoke went up from his nostrils,
    and devouring fire from his mouth;
    glowing coals flamed forth from him.
9 He bowed the heavens and came down;
    thick darkness was under his feet.
10 He rode on a cherub and flew;
    he came swiftly on the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him,
    thick clouds dark with water.
12 Out of the brightness before him
    hailstones and coals of fire broke through his clouds.

13 The Lord also thundered in the heavens,
    and the Most High uttered his voice,
    hailstones and coals of fire.
14 And he sent out his arrows and scattered them;
    he flashed forth lightnings and routed them.
15 Then the channels of the sea were seen,
    and the foundations of the world were laid bare
at your rebuke, O Lord,
    at the blast of the breath of your nostrils.

16 He sent from on high, he took me;
    he drew me out of many waters.
17 He rescued me from my strong enemy
    and from those who hated me,
    for they were too mighty for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
    but the Lord was my support.
19 He brought me out into a broad place;
    he rescued me, because he delighted in me.

I read all this and my eyes were opened to the reality that the earth reels and rocks when I cry out to the Lord. God hears me, and with a blast of light so bright that clouds are broken, He comes to me. God hears me, and with so much speed and momentum that the layers of the sea are peeled back and the core and foundations of the world are visible to the eye, He reminds me that He, Himself, is my comfort. 

Verse 19 reminds us why God does what He does and why He hears us. Not because we know how to pray the right prayers or because we've done enough religious work to command His attention...but because He delights in us. In you. In me. God's delight in me is not about me. It's about Him. Creator God, who laid the foundations of the earth, delights in me. 

That truth shines His glory. 

Amidst God's perfection and despite my broken, sinful & selfish heart, His delight is in me. 

This is life-altering. Completely. 

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Gospel for Asia Blogger: Running the Race

About a week ago, I was accepted as a blogger for Gospel for Asia (GFA). This means I am simply joining them in telling stories through my blog. Over the next year, I'll post new stories/videos/photos. In total, you will read 40 different stories provided by Gospel for Asia. I can't tell you when I'll write, but I will do it.

I will share real stories of men, women, and children all over the globe encountering Christ. I'll provide real statistics and realities of the world's need for Jesus and ask you to remember our brothers and sisters in Christ who are being martyred because of their deep surrender to God's will and desire to see it be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Let me be clear.

1. It's not about me. 
I'm not doing this just because I love East Asia nor am I doing it because I am often known as the girl who talks about East Asia too much. That's not who I am. I'm a daughter of the High King who simply has a deep longing for Him to be known in all hearts. More importantly, Jesus, a man yet fully God, encountered and conquered death because he had (and continues to have) a deep longing to know me.

I'm choosing to challenge each of us (myself included) to dedicate some of our time & finances as well as our prayers to our brothers and sisters desiring to go to school or be a missionary in their country but lack the resources and finances to do so. I'm choosing to be a voice for those without one because they have yet to be awakened to the life and light of the Gospel.

2. It's not about you. 
Your heart may or may not be stirred to giving financially or praying for these men and women. You could end up partnering with GFA and maybe even be sent as one of their laborers. But it's not about how burdened you feel or how passionate you are.

God's people are responsible "to make a definite attempt to render the evangelization of the world..." (C.T. Studd). Our mission: to bring the Gospel to those who are without it and teach them as Christ teaches us (Matthew 28:18-20) through the Bible and empathize with them through our own stories and experiences with Christ. Together as the global church, we must make a definite attempt to find the lost and/or provide for and equip those who God has called to search for the unreached. The unreached are not unreachable.

The unreached are absolutely reachable. But they have not yet had an outstretched arm as an ambassador for Christ showing them the way as Christ shows His church the way. Your partnership and prayers could be the way they encounter Jesus for the first time.

But even then...it's not about what YOU will do.

3. It's about what God has already done
Christ stretched out both of His arms on the cross and in that, made a definite and successful attempt at rendering the redemption of our souls. Today, as Christ followers whose eyes have been opened and whose hearts have been awakened, we are to walk into such a calling not with obligation, but with joy in our hearts. 2 Corinthians 5:17-21 says:

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come. all this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ god was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of  reconciliation. Therefore we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

4. It's about what Jesus will come back to finish
Hebrews 12:1-2 says

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

The great cloud of witnesses is NOT the people around us on earth who are watching us, expecting us to live up to the calling God has given us. This cloud of witnesses? They are the men and women who have gone before us and finished their leg of the race. Now they are in the stadium of heaven cheering us on and asking us to look to their successes, failures and mistakes to help us run our race. Most importantly, Jesus continues to remind us to look to HIM and fix our eyes on HIM because the result of the race has already been determined

C.T. Studd once said:

"The God of Heaven will fight for us, as we for Him. We will not build on the sand, but on the bedrock of the sayings of Christ, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against us. Should such men as we fear? Before the whole world, aye, before the sleepy, lukewarm, faithless, namby-pamby Christian world, we will dare to trust our God; we will venture our all for Him; we will live, and we will die for Him, and we will do it with His unspeakable singing aloud in our hearts. We will a thousand times sooner die trusting only in our God, than live trusting in man. And when it comes to this position, the battle is already won, and the end of the glorious campaign in sight."

It is my hope and prayer for me that as I blog, my heart would be stirred to love the lost, and to pray for those that suffer far greater than I can imagine because they do not have Jesus. It's my hope and prayer for you, that your heart would be stirred to be a part of this every day in some way, that the way you live your your life would change for God's purposes.

Will you dare to trust our God and venture your all for Him regardless of where you are and what you're doing? Will you choose to be a part of this until you reach the finish line? The time will come sooner than we think to pass on the baton of the Gospel to the next generation in the race. Until that time comes, it is our duty to run the race with joy set before us.

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Resurrected Bones

I've been listening to this song called "Morning Song" on repeat for the last 24 hours. Listen to it before you read, or while you read. The lyrics are simple.

I can feel it in my bones

I can feel it...the Savior's love.

When the light breaks the day, 

All our sins are washed away.

I can feel it.

I'm not alone.

I can feel it in my bones.

In Ezekiel 37, God brought Ezekiel to a valley of dry bones and commanded him prophesy to the bones and to the breath that would breathe into the bones. It's too good not to put all of it here:

4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of theLord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them. 

9 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army. 

11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it,' declares the Lord.”

This was not the first time God breathed life into something. In Genesis 2, God breathed life into Adam and had perfect relationship with man. But the sin of Adam and Eve broke that and death entered the world. Since then, God has had a plan to restore and redeem the world back to Himself. God made a way for us. For me. Sinner though I am, He is wooing me back to Himself everyday. Everyday, God's plan is carried out as the Kingdom is established on earth as it is in Heaven.

God breathed life into the dry bones so that the Israelites would know that He is the LORD (37:6,13-14). Not so He could do something great with them; so they would know He is the LORD. Our mission/identity as Christ-followers is not first to be messengers of the Gospel, it is to know our God. To see the work of His hands and declare "I know He is God." To know it and feel it in our bones that He is God.

God made a covenant with Abraham, promising that he would have many descendants and that every descendant to follow would share in the blessings in the covenant as well. God did not go back on His word. As we read Scriptures, God consistently reminds Abraham's descendants of the promise. In Genesis 28:14-15

"And, behold, I am with you, and will keep you in all places where ever you go, and will bring you again into this land; for I will not leave you, until I have done that which I have spoken to you of."

Jesus promised this again before He goes to His death on the cross.

15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 

And He said it one last time before He ascended into heaven.

"All authority on heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey all that I have commanded of you. And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age." 

This is redemption and love. God breathed into my dry bones, rose me from my grave (Ezekiel 37:12), gave me life again and made me a solider (Ez. 37:10). God breathed life into me and sustains me with that breath every second He wills for me to be breathing on this earth. Because of this, I will spend every breath that I can making all of this known in a world that is breathless, therefore, lifeless without Him.

God is alive and active. He continues to breathe the same breath into me today as He did when He awakened and revived me heart to Him only 7 years ago. My Creator did not create me to die. He created me to live. In John 10:10, Jesus said: 

"I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly." 

I can feel it in my bones. These are the bones that know today that I am not alone. The One who breathed me into life dwells so richly in me that the depths of my bones and the innermost parts of my heart know that He is who He says He claims to be. 

Acts 28:24-28:

"24 “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. 25 And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. 26 From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. 27 God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.28 ‘For in him we live and move and have our being. 

I feel it in my bones. This is not of my own volition. It is because a bloodied up and beautiful Savior hung on a cross. His ribcage torn apart rendering Him unable to breathe. He breathed his last breath as a human to make a way for my last earthly breath to be the beginning of eternal life. With his last breath, He cried out "It is finished." But His death was not final. His death is the only one that brings life. 

Romans 8:14-17

14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by Him [the Spirit], we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

I can feel the Savior's love in my bones and cry out Abba Father because the Spirit of the One who hung on a cross lives in me and cries it out first. And He's my Jesus. 

By HIM, we live. 

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Deathless Life

Who am I that God is mindful of me? Who am I that He would provide a way for me to have a relationship Him despite my sin? The Son was forsaken by the Father so that I could be called a child of God. So that I could know my heavenly Father as Abba. Deuteronomy 10:14 says:

"To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it. Yet the LORD set his affections on your ancestors and loved them, and he chose you, their descendants, above all the nations--as it is today." 

God's love for me, and for you extends across oceans. His love could break down walls like Jericho's and could move mountains like Everest. He set His affections on me. On ME. Sinner though I am, He said...YOU, I will die for you and claim every sin as mine. God said, I will give my only begotten Son in exchange for nations. And His death will save you and bring life. Hebrews 7:25 says: 

"Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them." 

I know all this by grace and through faith. No amount of logic or strength of man will ever be able to provide me with the willpower God gives me through His grace. (sidenote: because of this, it is not a willpower I can claim as my own). Grace is not given by merit or by willpower of ability. Grace is provided for those who will simply say "yes" in faith to believe in Jesus as their Lord and Savior. God loves me. But my sin kept me separated from that love. So He sent His Son to die on a cross for my sin. He forfeited His deserved glory and thus made a way for me to know my Father. Jesus' death was a direct result of my sin. Jesus' resurrection was a direct result of God's love for me and desire to know me. And all of it was to free me from the sting of punishment for my sin. Read these words and tell me that it doesn't change your life how true they are. 

"Before the throne of God above,

I have a strong and perfect plea

A great high priest whose name is love

Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands

My name is written on His heart.

I know that while in heaven He stands,

No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within,

Upward I look and see Him there

Who made an end of all my sin.

Because a sinless Savior died,

My sinful soul is counted free

For God the Just is satisfied

To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb.

My perfect, spotless righteousness.

The Great unchangeable I Am

The King of glory and of grace.

One with Himself I cannot die.

My soul is purchased by His blood.

My life is hid with Christ on high.

With Christ my Savior & my God."

"For God the JUST is satisfied to look on Him and pardon me." 

Mind blowing and life-changing truth for you and for me. My pastor once said, "no amount of motivation and/or encouragement will change a person. Only TRUTH can change us." The truth of God pardoning me and looking on Christ to do so changes my life. It changes everything. 

"One with Himself I cannot die." 

My body is not eternal and it will die someday. But I will not die. My soul is forever. One day, my soul will truly find rest in God alone (Psalm 62) because He brings all things to completion. Both in this life on earth and in eternity. One day Christ will return and I will be given a new body. I will be able to bask in the glory of my God in heaven the way I bask in the sun here on earth. I will share in Christ's glory. 

Though able to stand before my Abba, I will be inclined, and rightfully so, to fall on my knees in reverence. But my Father will lift my head and say "enter the joy of your master" (Matthew 25:23). He will embrace me and say "Welcome home." I will not suffer death because death no longer has the final say. Jesus conquered death in his death and resurrection. Because of that, and by grace through faith...I will live a deathless life in Christ. 

All of this is done to restore creation back to the Creator. As the kingdom is built in me and through me, through all of God's children...we will see more and more of God's original unbroken kingdom come. What a privilege that I get to play a small but significant part in that restoration process. I will falter and fail. I will be selfish and prideful, but what God sets into motion, no man can thwart. All that was lost will be found. All that was tarnished will shine in the light of His glory. Order will be restored and all of creation will worship as it was created to worship. All things will be made right again! 

Praise the Lord, oh my soul!! 

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Surpassing Worth

There is nothing visually beautiful about a crucifixion. Yet, Jesus' crucifixion the most beautiful event in all of history, and will remain so until He comes back. The physical pain he endured was nothing compared to the weight of sin He carried. The weight of our sin. I will never comprehend that pain. It's like experiencing every sin I've ever committed in one moment. It makes me want to throw up. But Jesus endured that for me and for everyone in ONE moment during the passion. That's anguish. 

Our English word for anguish or agony comes from agape, which describes God's deep and pure love for us. Agape is the most intimate love. The implications of it are life-changing and soul-shaking. 

The anguish in Jesus as he hung and bled on the tree was that He loved us SO much that it hurt him. It PAINED him. Isaiah 53:10-11 says: 

"Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him; 

he has put him to grief, when his soul makes an offering for guilt, 

he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; 

the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand. 

Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied; 

by his knowledge shall the righteous one, 

my servant, make many to be accounted righteous, 

and he shall bear their iniquities."

"Out of the anguish of his SOUL." This is what holy anguish looks like. It's an excruciatingly beautiful love. It's painful love. 

About a week ago, I came back to the States from a week long vision trip to East Asia. As my friends were excited about being back in the West, I kept thinking to myself "I want to go back home to East Asia." I don't hate America so please don't hear me saying that. East Asia is my heart and it's my home. Ask me to explain it and you will not have a definitive answer. I can't give one (but please ask me about it sometime!). Out of the anguish of my soul, I love this place. But I have no idea when I will get to go back and it feels like I have to sacrifice it.

Are we willing to sacrifice something we love out of the anguish of our soul? If all I'm left with is Jesus...will it be enough? By His grace...YES. Certainly. 

If Jesus loved me out of the anguish of his soul and loved me so much that He extended open hands on the cross to be nailed, then surely, He will enable me by grace to open my hands to Him. 

Even if it means sacrificing that which I love out of the anguish of my soul, it's worth it because I would still be left with the one thing that matters most: Jesus. Even though I will falter in believing these things, I know that whatever God fills my hands back up with will be good because He is a good Father. 

It's easy for us to play the game of "If I just had _________, then my life would be _________" For me, it's "if I just had East Asia, then my life would make sense and have more meaning." This is a big, fat lie. If I had the perfect ministry and made millions...the best thing in my life would STILL be Jesus. If I graduated with a 4.0 GPA with $0 in loans, the best thing in my life would STILL be Jesus. If I had East Asia...the single most important and best thing in my life would STILL be Jesus. 

Are you getting the picture? King David once said "Because your love is better than life, I will praise you" (Psalm 63:3). Do you believe this? Do I? 

I love East Asia so much and the burden is so heavy that I literally feel it sometimes. The anguish can be paralyzing and I often find myself kicking and screaming and wondering why it feels that way. I know God has a wonderful plan for my life but I wrestle everyday with what I believe God is asking me to steward, which is this burden for East Asia. I ask "What am I supposed to do with THIS?" Or "What does this mean for my life." And yet...God continues to say "Stop. This is not about you, Jenny." 

God is weaving together a tapestry much bigger than anything we can see or imagine. Even though our lives are quick and we seem small, we are utterly SIGNIFICANT to complete the picture. Our lives are not our own. They were bought with a price. If we get caught up in thinking that we're the center of the tapestry we will miss out completely on the beauty of it all. God didn't create us to miss out on beauty or His greater plan. He created us to first know Him, love him and be loved by Him. And second...to emulate it in Him and to bring it to the ends of the earth.

I want to be a part of the tapestry, not believe the lie that I have my own. Yes, God's plan for my life...for YOUR life...is incredible on it's own because HE is the one planning. But it's even more incredible because He is using it in his redemptive plan. 

I don't want to miss out on being a part of this because I'm caught up in my tunnel vision of my own life. I don't want to miss out on it because I'm focused on the mission before the Savior. It's not okay for me...for us to get excited about the cause of Christ and not get excited about Christ Himself. We cannot desire only to do ministry like Jesus. We must first love the one who ministered to us. 

Of course, do ministry like Jesus and live like Him. But if we want to be like Jesus and live like Him, we cannot simply follow Him on the roads in Jerusalem and Bethlehem. We must also follow Him on the road to Gethsemane and Calvary. These imperfect little deaths we die point towards the perfect Jesus who said we must carry our cross daily and deny ourselves and deny ourselves of the things we hold so dear. God wants to bless us and give us people, gifts, etc. But not at the cost of our relationship with HIM. 

The reality is...NOTHING is better than Jesus. 

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.

I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth 

of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. 

For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things 

and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him,
not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law,
but that which is through faith in Christ
--the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.
I want to know Christ -- YES, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, 
attaining to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained this or have I already arrived at my goal,
but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.
But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

- Phillippians 3:7-14

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