The Greatest Act of In[justice]

On my best day, I can understand that there has to be a balance of confidence in the Gospel and humiliation of the flesh and body through the power of the Holy Spirit. But, even on my best day, I am still a sinner. I am still imperfect and self-seeking. And when I realize this, I am one of two things: I, through the Spirit, am completely humbled before the throne of grace and can try my best to look to Jesus for truth and grace, or I'm full of shame to the point of not being able to "face" God nor wanting to. And while I think it's necessary to feel a sense of shame and guilt because of our sin, it becomes spiritual warfare when we dwell on the guilt and shame. We are called to confess and ask for forgiveness for our sins, but we are not called to poison our minds with the Enemy's lies (I know you're thinking "well duh!"). In John 15:9-11, Jesus says:

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.
Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands,
you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands
and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you
and that your joy may be complete."

So let me ask you this: When we are burdened by bondage, guilt and shame and CHOOSE to abide in THOSE things...what will happen to you do in keeping God's commands? When I say "you," I mean you individually. We all have different areas of habitual sin (whether it's legalism, pride, pornography, judging others, apathy towards evangelism, etc) so we are attacked in very different ways, hear different lies and will feel shame in very different ways. Pastor Andy Stanley believes that we must "saturate our hearts, minds, and souls with God's truth from His word and look for specific truths that counter our lies." So BE in the word. Because the word is truth, and truth sets you free. Jesus sets you free. We were NOT called to sit in our prison cells and dwell on our sin. Almost four years ago, I choose to follow Jesus. When I made that decision, the chains that kept me in my prison were broken off, the prison cell door opened and the prison itself unlocked, allowing me to simply walk out. But up until recently, I didn't know that in certain ways, I was keeping myself in that cell. But all I have to do now is WALK OUT. Because of Jesus, I can confidently say "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (1 Corinthians 15:55).

As Christ followers, when we feel an overwhelming sense of shame or guilt and throw ourselves a pity party, we are limiting God's ability to freely give grace. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that when we are full of shame, God isn't able to give grace. I simply mean that in our own minds, we are keeping ourselves from being able to grasp how abundant grace is. By limiting God's grace, we give it an artificial scarcity in a world that so desperately needs it. More importantly, and most unfortunately, we cloud the vision of those who are already blind to the most ridiculously beautiful story in the history of this world.

This is the power of the Gospel: that God knew our disgusting and repulsive nature and rebellion but so desperately wanted to reconcile us to Himself so we could know Him. In order to do so, God the Father had to allow what was the greatest act of injustice to occur: sending His perfect son, Jesus Christ to die on a tree and endure the pain of our sin. It is because of this that we could in turn search for Him and sacrifice ourselves before Him in order to truly live and proclaim the good news to a group of people...MANKIND.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
for the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death.
For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature,
God did by sending His own son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.
And so God condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law
might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature,
but according to the Spirit." --Romans 8:1-4

There's a song by Matt Maher called "Christ is risen" with some of the most powerful lyrics I've ever come across (I could write a whole other blog about this song!):

"In strength You reign, forever let your church proclaim:
'Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death.
Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave.
Christ is risen from the dead, we are one with Him again.
Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave' "

In his letter to the Ephesians, the apostle Paul (our brother in Christ!) proclaims the Gospel with confidence:

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" --Ephesians 2:5-10

AMEN. We are RISEN with Christ. The lyrics of Matt Maher's song tug at my heartstrings and remind me that those are the words that God want me to hear. He is asking me to get up out of my apathy, shame and guilt and to keep fighting the good fight and run this race for Him. in all honestly, I feel like this is God's way of telling me "Jenny...why are you still in that grave? Just get up." Imagine yourself physically rising with Christ after being dead in your transgressions. When Jesus rose on the 3rd day, our prison cells opened and we were given the ability to walk out into glorious freedom. All at once...I am both captured and set free by the love of Christ. Jesus dying a bloody and painful death on a cross is what makes me clean and white as snow. Only God can make things so contradictory to this world the most beautiful thing in the entire existence of mankind. This is who our God is. Beautiful. Real.

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Courage. No turning back.

In the last month, I have sat through almost 30 hours worth of lectures, watched at least 25 movies (17 of which happened in class), taken 12 quizzes, 3 essay exams. I have played WAY too much guitar and lost my voice too many times to count due to hours upon hours of singing. I have laughed, cried, rejoiced and mourned. I have applied for at least 20-30 jobs (I lost count) and had no luck (yet!). I got turned down from not one but two internships with ministries. I have questioned God's goodness. A lot. I have had many "A-ha!" moments with God and then fallen into sin right after it. In other words, it's been the hardest, most challenging and confusing summer I've ever had. Because the events of the summer so far, a part of me feels like the next year of my life is going to be one that stretches me beyond what I could ever imagine.

I just finished reading a book called "A Million Ways to Die." The author Rick James talks about how we must die to ourselves in order to truly live. This means dying little deaths every day, multiple times a day. Maybe it's doing the dishes for someone else; admitting that you're wrong; not arguing, even if you're right; and anything that would require you to be humbled, humiliated or exposed as lesser than someone else. Phlippians 1:21 says "For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain." It shouldn't have taken reading a verse for the thousandth time (probably literally) to realize that dying to myself helps Jesus live through me.

On the day I graduated, my grandma was admitted to the hospital. 10 days later on a Wednesday, she passed away. Even though I know now that she is with Jesus, I had no idea where she was at first. I don't think it was a coincidence that I was reading a book about death (as morbid as it sounds) while I walked through the pain of her death. The book talks about death from every biblical perspective you can think of. Literal death. Spiritual death. Death to self. Martyrdom. But the thing I remember the most from this book was Rick James' chapters on courage. Courage, according to Rick James, isn't just sucking it up, but looking fear, danger, pain and confusion in the face and not run away, but walk towards it and eventually, into it. I got the phone call on Monday that my grandma had less than 48 hours to live. I never lost hope that she'd recover and heal, but I also never expected her to heal. Thus, I needed courage to face the inevitable. I knew that it would be painful. I quickly realized I could do nothing but pray. This was one of the most intense times of prayer I had ever had in my life. Ask me about it sometime.

In Isaiah 47:8-11, Yahweh calls out the Babylonians and charges them with these words:

“Now then, listen, you lover of pleasure, lounging in your security and saying to yourself, ‘I am, and there is none besides me. I will never be a widow or suffer the loss of children.’ Both of these will overtake you in a moment, on a single day: loss of children and widowhood. They will come upon you in full measure, in spite of your many sorceries and all your potent spells. 10 You have trusted in your wickedness and have said, ‘No one sees me.’ Your wisdom and knowledge mislead you when you say to yourself, ‘I am, and there is none besides me.’11 Disaster will come upon you, and you will not know how to conjure it away. A calamity will fall upon you that you cannot ward off with a ransom; a catastrophe you cannot foresee will suddenly come upon you."

"I am and there is none besides me." They were trying to play God in their own lives. God was asking Babylon to die to themselves; to give up their overindulgence in exchange for an abundant life with Him. Long story short, Babylon experienced a lot of pain and struggle because they did not follow God or give up their self-seeking lives. They essentially said "oh...that'll never happen to me' (v. 8). But Jesus said "I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly" (John 10:10). Sometimes, the lives we live don't seem very abundant because of pain, confusion and loss. Babylon had "it all" (whatever that means). They were rich and were envied. And when God asked them to give something up for His glory, they said no and God did what he had to to bring them back. And I can only imagine that it, to be blunt, sucked. God is asking me to walk away from the friends, ministry, passions and that He has placed in my life order to follow Him. In ignoring that, the Lord has brought a lot of conviction, tears and pain to turn me back to Him. I don't like it. Sometimes I think I hate it. But I know that it's good. These are words that keep coming back to my head.

I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back
The cross before me, the world behind me.
No turning back

And as I hear these words, I hear Jesus telling me not to worry and to have courage. I don't know where the Lord is going to take me. I'm going to finish out the summer in Madison, and then go back home where I am certain of nothing but confusion (at least for now), pain and frustration. I'll confess that I am terrified and of what is coming. But for the joy set before Him, Jesus died for me. I need courage to choose to believe that every day. I need courage to watch my best friends go do international missions work in a place that my heart feels eternally attached to. I need courage to follow Jesus. I desire the abundant life Jesus offers me. So if going home in the fall is where I'll experience it, I will follow my God there. Rick James mentions that it is courage, not merely faith that Jesus had in order to have that joy before Him. I've never really thought about courage in that way before, but now that I think about it...faith and courage go hand-in-hand. I feel like faith is something you should have in times of uncertainty or doubt. But courage is needed when you're stepping into something that you can already see. Maybe I'm wrong. And if I am, God will again, convict me. But if the Christ-following life is about waking up every morning and hoping that you'll be "right" then we've missed the point. God is calling us to die in order to live and have abundant life. Why do we fail when we try doing things on our own strength? Because we do it as Babylon did it "I am and there is none besides me." Not only is that pride...but that is selfishness. All too often we make failed attempts to control our own lives but don't realize that when we do, we are playing God in our own lives and not letting God be God. Who are we to play judge? God humbled himself and became man. I feel like that'd be like a human becoming a nat or a vile insect who lives for like an hour. Seriously? This is the God that we serve?! What a privilege. We are not God. We are not perfect. We are selfish, disobedient and sinful people who Jesus died for. So with as much joy as we can have set before us...we must go to the cross and die to ourselves, believing that the outcome of a little death results in a kind of resurrection and redemption that mimics Jesus' death just a little.

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs--
heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ
if indeed we share in his sufferings in order
that we may also share in his glory."
--Romans 8:17--

RUN to the cross. No turning back. This is the life that God has called us to live.

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Caught in Grace

I feel caught between two worlds. I am so easily consumed by the ways of this world. Whether it's overindulgence or vain conceit, my flesh desires to be a part of this world. I get caught up in "pretty" things and get caught up in trying to look a certain way. Media tells me that men desire a particular kind of woman. Media tells me that I should want to out-do other women in what I look like, how I talk, what job I have, who my friends are, etc. Media, especially America tells me that I should put myself first and be a person who should flourish in everything regardless of who it brings down. Sometimes, I want to be that person and I forget that I am not of this world, but I am a citizen of heaven.

I feel like I'm on a long road trip with Jesus. I'm the driver and He's the navigator. And every time I want to be a part of this world, I stop the car, ask him to get out and leave him on the side of the road. I drive off but realize (after I've gone too far) that I need Him because He's the one guiding the trip. Then I have to turn the car around after I have gone miles and miles in the wrong direction. That leaves me on my own, trying to retrace where I turned and which exits I took in order to go back and pick Jesus up.

But all too often, I forget a verse in which I must remind myself of everyday. Multiple times a day. In Matthew 28, Jesus says "And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age." I think I can get rid of Jesus when I want to. But I can't. He's there when I don't want Him to be. That is both a comfort and an incredibly terrifying thought. Jesus always being with me reminds me that He loves me when I don't love Him. But it also reminds me that when I sin...He's there. He sits next to me when I deny Him and sugarcoat the Gospel because I'm afraid. He sits next to me when I lie. He's watching and listening when I choose to sin. He cries when I choose to sin even when I clearly hear the Holy Spirit telling me to choose God. Why am I afraid to talk about the One who breathed me into life and controls my every breath? He holds me when no one's embrace suffices. He helps me up when I'm exhausted. He loves me. He's in love with me. He wants to know me. I spend so much time trying to say or do the right things to catch the attention of mankind that I forget that the perfect man, Jesus, wants to be with me. I am in a relationship with Him. And even when I hurt Him by choosing emptiness before His abundant love, He does everything in His power to tell me that He still loves me.

I know I'm going to fail. I have already failed today more times than I can count. But I serve a God who does not fail. I serve a God who doesn't know how to fail. Isaiah 30 talks about a nation that carries out their own plans without consulting God; a nation that has rejected God and relied on themselves and on deceit; a nation that refuses to change even when they know they are this way. I think most of me feels this way right now. I say "most of me" because I don't really know why I keep going back and forth between feeling absolutely giddy because of God's love for me and feeling apathetic and numb to who God is and what Jesus has done for me.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you: he rises to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all those who wait for him! O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you....Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying 'This is the way, walk in it'" --Isaiah 30:18-19, 21)

This passage reminds me that God guides me and shows me where to walk; He shows me that even when I reject Him, he longs to give me grace. It seems that regardless of how I feel about God, he will always feel the same way about me. A few weeks ago, I gave a talk at Primetime (the weekly meeting of Student Impact) and talked about the movie 127 hours, which is a movie about a guy whose arm gets stuck between a wall and a boulder. The only way for him to get out and be free is to cut off his own arm. I used it as an illustration of the ways that God often puts us through hard and painful things in order to heal us and free us. That is what I am experiencing right now. I am walking through a fire right now and it's painful. But it hurts in the most beautiful way. God is burning away the impurities of my heart, soul and mind. He is refining my faith and reminding me that even when I fall and choose to sin. God continues to give me grace when I sin and ask for forgiveness. But he gives me grace when I need strength to have a hard conversation and when I need a reminder that I can get through the pain that I feel. It is my task, because of his grace, to CHOOSE to love him and turn away from what this world tells me to do, say, look like, etc.

I don't know about you, but that is a kind of grace and love that moves my heart into disarray (in the best way). I feel caught in God's grace. I feel like I was walking down the street and all of a sudden it just hit me and now I can't get out of it. I've said this before, but everything about God is contradictory to this world. I am both captured and set free by God's grace. Jesus' blood has washed me clean. I am alive because of death. I need to die to myself in order to live. I don't get it. And that's the beauty of grace. Grace is incomprehensible. And it's something that God freely extends because he loves me.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came through Christ Jesus." --Romans 3:23-24

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I am a house

I always ask myself these questions: Is God doing anything in my life? Where is He?

This is my perpetual disposition: When I am doing "good," I don't think about how incredibly close He is to me. But when I need help, when I am weak and broken, I ask God where He is and forget that Jesus says He is with me always, to the very end of the age.

Our lives are houses meant to be constructed and built for Jesus to live in. My house is God's dwelling place. In October of 2007, I laid the foundation of my house. I dug as deep as I could comprehend and began to build the walls of the house. We all did this at some point. For some of you it's been 20 years, and for others it's only been a week. Regardless of when we laid the foundation, we have had a similar journey. You put a roof on. You outlined the rooms and chose furniture and wallpaper. You chose a color scheme for the living room and bought dishes for the kitchen. You plugged in the fridge and went grocery shopping for the first time. You've continued to add things to the house and make it comfortable. But over the years, you've forgotten that it is not your house. You've forgotten that someone else also resides there...God. Because you've forgotten, you've gotten lazy with doing dishes. You've thrown parties and gotten drunk (maybe figuratively or literally) in the house. You have broken dishes. You've left them on the kitchen counter and you can't bring yourself to throw them away because of how much money you spent on them. The wallpaper is deteriorating. There are wet towels on the bathroom floor.

You know all of this, but are too scared of the sacrifices you might have to make in order to rebuild. You have to give up time with friends and family. You have to spend money. You have to actually put work into it (surprise!). You know this, but chose not to or maybe refuse to tear down. So you start to tidy up the outside because it'll seem like you're cleaning up. You mow the lawn and paint the fence. You keep a nice garden in the back yard. You trim the bushes and invite people over for a grill out in the back yard.

I've come to understand that perhaps sometimes, God lets the wallpaper fall apart and lets us break dishes to help us realize that He holds it together. Sometimes he slowly tears it down, wall by wall and room by room. But more often than not, God Himself sits in a bulldozer and takes a wrecking ball to the very core of the house without warning. It's painful and it hurts. When He's done, all you can do is stand in the road and look at it in tears because God just tore down what you built. You ask, WHY? Without even picking up a hammer or nail to begin rebuilding, you are tired at the thought of trying to rebuild what you JUST built. Perhaps God "breaks" us and chisels away at us so that we understand that when our life feels like it is in a million pieces, He is near us. He is always near us. In fact, he holds us. We have to understand that He holds every single one of those pieces. "He is before all things and in Him all things hold together." --Colossians 1:17.

Remember this: God doesn't want you to make this house neat and tidy just so He alone can dwell in it...but He wants you to do so because you were made to dwell with Him. He is only asking you to do your part as a roommate. He has given you a command to take up your cross and follow Him. He has command you go among the nations and make disciples. And in return, He is asking you to see the bittersweet joy of rebuilding and most of all...to see that if you truly wanted to dwell with Him, you'd tear down over and over with joy. It's exhausting and looks hard, but in the end, you have a brand new house. He is the master contractor and will help you see how deep you have to dig. He will provide all the furniture and food that you lack. The reality and perhaps the hardest part of rebuilding and tearing down is that it will happen time and time again. Until God takes us to be with Him, we will continue to tear down and rebuild. But we were not made to dwell on this earth. We are only temporarily renting the houses. When we are with Him, we will be in a place that God made for us to dwell in. We will be home. Until then, we must persevere and choose to follow Him everyday. We must get rid of our pride and selfishness. Know that one day, you will dwell in the house of the Lord and will be able to rest. Romans 8:18-27 (Paul) couldn't have said it better.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God"

So now ask yourself these questions: Is God doing anything in my life? Where is He?

Don't believe the lie that God went somewhere. Don't believe the lie that God doesn't understand the pain you're suffering. He had to watch His son die on the cross. When Jesus asked His Father if there was any other way, He had to listen to Him say "No Son...there isn't." The Father had to tell the Son that there wasn't any other way. If you truly have no answer to the question to what God is doing in your life...then look to Jesus. Look to the Gospel and see that God has freed you. How is that NOT an answer to whether or not God is doing something in your life?

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" --Galatians 2:20.

And if Christ lives in us, the power that raised Him from the dead also lives in us. Try to wrap your mind, heart, soul and your everything around what that means...how much power is that? It is certainly enough power to stand firm as God takes a wrecking ball to your house. And it is certainly enough power to see and know that God is doing something in your life. So let go of whatever you're holding onto in your house and let Him chisel.

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face-to-face

I came face to face with myself last night. I didn't like what I saw. I saw my old self and tried to hide. I sat at my kitchen table at 3am trying to study for an exam. With no gratitude whatsoever for this education I argued with myself about the purpose of this exam. The "righteous" part of me said "God wants you to do this." But my old self said "this is for yourself." And the new me believed it. I had no gratitude for the education. I had no gratitude for the opportunity to learn. No gratitude or even recognition of the God given gift it is to be able to think and comprehend anything. No gratitude for the breath that God himself breathes in me to live. No gratitude for my God who holds my life together. And in a gollum/smeagol conversation, I was told that I am my own worst enemy. I let my old self win. Then I told myself..."No...you're dead. You're dead. You're not real. I am righteous. This is for Jesus. Not for you." And so a battle in the midst of war ensued. Within this battle I had victory but also defeat. I let the old self win by telling me lies and believing them. I sinned in thought and action. Oh, did I sin. I asked for forgiveness and went to bed. This morning, I woke up 10 minutes before my exam began and it wasn't until I walked to class that I realized the weight of this event that occurred only 5 hours earlier.

"We’re not only held captive by our sin, but also by the delusion of our righteousness. Resting in God’s grace isn’t just about confessing your sin; it’s about forsaking your righteousness as well" --Paul David Tripp

Last night I told myself "You're a sinner. You leave Jesus over and over. You forsake and abandon your first love. But you have grace because you're righteous." In the same way I tend to play my own judge and dwell on shame and guilt, I played my own judge and told myself that I was "good" because I chose to say yes to Jesus. I told myself that I have hope for heaven and being made perfect even though my iniquities on this earth would follow me forever. I acknowledged my sin. I acknowledged the apostles actions and desires to be holy. I told myself to follow their ways. I told myself to look to Paul the apostle as an example. Not once did I acknowledge Jesus. Talk about being held captive by righteousness.

About an hour ago, I finished my exam then ran into a good friend (which meant walking by each other as we said hi)...then we exchanged a few words through text message about needing to love Jesus through everything. I then thought about my face to face encounter the night before. I felt guilty. Then I remembered this bible verse:

"Who is a God like you,who pardons sin and forgives
the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.
You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins
underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea"
--Micah 7:18-19--

Take that Satan.
You lose.
You're defeated.
I stand in victory.
I am God's delight.
Jesus WINS.

Go face-to-face with Jesus, and you'll always win. Do not fight Him for he is your victor. Do not hesitate to fight, for the enemy is swift with his arrows. KNOW and BELIEVE that the old is gone. The new is here. Command the old self to leave. Abandon sin and abandon your fleshly tendency to erase sin with the simple words of "I'm forgiven." You're not just forgiven. You're hidden with Christ. It is in Jesus Christ that you are righteous.

Jesus. Mercy. Grace. Heart. Good. LOVE. Great. Faithful. Victory. REAL. Yeshua. Life. Abundance. GOD. Sunshine. Blue Skies. Captive Freer. Liberation. A perfect harmony. Faith. Patience. Light. Nice. Compassionate. LOVE. Music. Perfect. LOVE. Neverending. Here. Prince of Peace. LOVE. Forever. Freedom. Always. LOVE. Holy. Still. LORD. Risen. Just. Kind.
Did I mention LOVE?

JESUS...my King, You are these things.

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Love won't forsake you

This past November, our ministry sent a team of 14 to East Asia on a week-long missions trip. The day before they left, I realized that it had been two years since I was sent there. A few days ago, my friend Cole asked me the question: "how much do you remember about that week?" I paused and thought for a second and realized that I remembered so many things. I remember the smell of the rooms, how the sheets and mattresses felt. Standing in awe of God's creation as I stood on the Great Wall. Experiencing a prayer walk for the first time. Feeling comfortable sharing my faith for the first time. The food. The insane traffic and reckless cab drivers. As Cole asked me that question and I took a second to think, I realized that I remember almost everything. The more I think back to that week, the more I remember. But the more I remember, the more my heart hurts.

Today, it has been approximately two years and two months since I set foot on most devastatingly beautiful soil of the harvest I've ever seen. After the cross, East Asia was one of the first times I understood Agape. Sometimes I don't even want to think about it because of how much it hurts me and pains me. There are days where all I want to do is drop everything and go be with these people. I want to carry their burdens. I want their hearts to be able to experience true heartbreak the way that I am able to. I want them to feel. I want them to awaken from their slumber so they can taste and see that God is calling them. I want them to know that their hearts are failing.

If I’m being honest...sometimes, I don’t want to love East Asia. Sometimes I’d rather forget so I don’t have to deal with the reality of the place. But no matter what I do, it always comes back. I’m reminded of little things about it, and I can’t escape it.

Most people know that I am a musician. I play piano and guitar, and I sing. But the one thing I’ve always wished I could do was compose lyrically and musically. I have never been able to write a song on my own, whether it is just words or just music. I’ve gotten a tune or a verse here and there…but never anything complete. Most of the time, I try too hard to write or compose that I fail. But the one complete song that I have written is about East Asia. Why God would choose to have the first song I ever write be about this place is not a coincidence. The chorus of the song goes like this

I can’t escape you

So I won’t leave you

‘Cause your heart is failing

And your eyes are closing

And you don’t know

"you" is the country of East Asia. I have to sing/play it at least once a day in order to remember. In East Asia, the people in our generation tend to give themselves American names. While I was there, some of the others on our team met a guy named Allen Iverson. In the words of Marc Nettleton: “He wasn’t Allen. He wasn’t Iverson. He was Allen Iverson.” Others met Cheese, Blender, Link, and so many other ridiculous names. I met Feeling.

She was one of the happiest people I had ever met. She said school was hard and that her parents pressured her to be the best. But she also said that it was okay because it’d be worth it in the end if it meant being successful. For Feeling, she was okay with the pressure, it made her work hard. She believed that the pressure from her parents was a sign of love. She was thankful for her education and told me she was happy and content with life. And I believed her. And that was the worst part...she was truly content with her life even though she wasn't walking with Jesus. This is why we go. At the end of that conversation, I could barely look at her because I knew her joy was empty. She was living a life to please people and perform for others.

Tonight at primetime, Troy Maragos defined joy as a supernatural delight. On some level, Feeling had that. But again, it was empty. God graced me to help her understand that Jesus could fill that. To this day, I have no idea where she is or if she is walking with Jesus. But today, I remember her. God has reminded me to pray for her today.

I just finished reading a book called "Confessions" by Saint Augustine. In this memoir, he recalls all of his beliefs, unbelief, and doubts before believing in Jesus as the truth. In the first chapter, he tries answering the question: "Who then are you, my God?" This is what he comes up with.

"Most high, utterly good, utterly powerful, most omnipotent, most merciful and most just, deeply hidden yet most intimately present, perfection of both beauty and strength, stable and incomprehensible, immutable and yet changing all things, never new, never old, making everything new and 'leading' the proud 'to be old without their knowledge'; always active, always in repose, gathering to yourself but not in need, supporting and filling and protecting, creating and nurturing and bringing to maturity, searching even though to you nothing is lacking: you love without burning, you are jealous in a way that is free of anxiety, you 'repent' (Genesis 6:6) without the pain of regret, you are wrathful and remain tranquil. You will change without any change in your design. You recover what you find, yet have never lost. Never in any need, you rejoice in your gains; you are never avaricious, yet you require interest. We pay you more than you require so long as to make you our debtor, yet who has anything which does not belong to you? (1 Cor. 4:7). You pay off debts, though owing nothing to anyone; you cancel debts and incur no loss"

This is the same God who loves every person I hate. This is the same God who gives his creation a choice to turn to Him, knowing that many of them will turn away. He created us knowing that His heart would break in the process of trying to bring us back to Him. But now, we are coming back. His children are calling out to Him. When I read this, I know that this is the God I serve and attempt to love. I'm overwhelmed and humbled. I feel small yet utterly significant to God. I feel a rush of adrenaline right now as I understand that God looks at me and sees JESUS. His heart breaks when I turn from Him. His incomprehensible grace and mercy reign over my mind. I ask myself...HOW? How can a God so love a fallen heart like mine? How could a King so royal like Jesus joyfully go to the cross for ME? How can he love a mindless fallen race like humans? I cannot grasp it. Therefore I stand in awe. That is all we can do. We can stand in the presence of God and bask in His glory as we were made to do.

The last thing that Augustine’s excerpt helps me to understand is this: this is the same God who loves those who I love. Now when I think about how much my heart calls to the people of East Asia and think about how much I love them, it pales in comparison to how much God loves them. And then I’m reminded that even if I forget, God won’t. His love won’t let Him. The last part of the song I wrote goes like this.

I’m afraid I’ll forget you

I’m afraid I won’t need you

So I’ll promise you one thing

It’s the only promise I can make

Love won’t forsake you

He’ll never leave you

‘Cause your heart is failing

And your eyes are closing

And you don’t know

I remember seeing you,

I remember wondering

Are we the same?

Are we different at all?

I think about how much these people need Jesus and how there are people in underground churches who are at risk for persecution because they have chosen to follow Christ. I have always told myself that they need Jesus more than I do. But then I realize that perhaps, in my comfortable, selfish, apathetic, passive, safe, American faith, my need for Jesus is no different than the people of this East Asia. After writing this song, I understand that my need for Jesus is just as great as theirs. And perhaps it's even greater because of the ways that I overindulge in this world. Love won't forsake them, nor will He forsake me. Because we know this, it is our calling to let others know. Love won't forsake us and will not let us forsake them. He will not forsake them. Tonight, I rest in that.

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His Glory Appears

Today I sat on the top floor of the Educational Sciences building (which is conveniently located behind my house) and watched the sunset. It was an unplanned event on my part, but not on God's. The result of me attempting to do homework resulted in God deciding that I needed to spend at least a couple minutes with Him. I decided He was right. I put my quiet time music on shuffle and took out my Bible and journal. As Lifehouse's "Everything" came on, I started to remember a lot about my life. As many of you know, about 3 1/2 years ago, I gave my life to Christ at Fall Getaway while He captured my heart during a drama in which "Everything" was used. So many thoughts and memories came flooding back to me in that moment. I remember everything about it: who I was sitting next to, what I did before, what I did after, who the actors were, where in that gym I was sitting, even what I was wearing. It was the pivotal moment in my life when I truly heard the Creator say to me for the first time "I love you. I want you. Come to me."

I sat in Ed Sci and smiled because I knew that God wanted me to remember Him in a simple, but significant way. He wanted me to delight in the things that I delighted in when I first met Him, His love, His grace, His justice, His life, His glory, HIM. With Lifehouse still playing through my earbuds, I started to write in my journal about how great God is. Then the song reached its end and I heard the final lyrics:

"How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"

I thought to myself..."truly...what could be better this?! Jesus is with me right now. What could be better?" Then the next song on my shuffle started. "His Glory Appears" by Hillsong. The first verse talks about how Jesus died for us and gives us hope because of the cross. I was excited about Jesus. Oh, was I excited. Then I thought again, "how could this get better?" Then I looked at the sun, and right as the lyrics "And his glory appears like the light from the sun. Age to age...He shines" blared through my ears, sun rays appeared from behind very thin clouds. Can you imagine my joy and excitement in that moment? I can't explain in words what I felt. I can't explain how clearly I saw Jesus in the sun. I realized, I was seeing the smallest amount of glory that my human eyes could handle. I felt weak at the knees, head over heels, nervous and giddy all at the same time. I felt like God was physically present. Today was the closest I have ever been to seeing the glory of God to the extent that my human eyes allow me to. None of this experience was of me. I believe God wanted me to go to the top floor of Ed Sci, not do homework and then have an intimate experience with His love and His heart. His glory, His beauty, His radiance. As I watched the sunset over Madison with my eyes closed and the sun on my face, God reminded me that when I come before Him, I can bask in His glory and bask in Him.

God hears me. He knows me. He's everything. He desires me. He delights in me. He wants me to enjoy Him. He wants me to love Him. He wants me. Therefore, He shows me things. He is real. He is who He says He is. In His glory and in His majesty, He wants to love me and protect me. I am His child. Jesus is my King. He loves me. It is in His glory that I rest tonight.

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