Courage. No turning back.

In the last month, I have sat through almost 30 hours worth of lectures, watched at least 25 movies (17 of which happened in class), taken 12 quizzes, 3 essay exams. I have played WAY too much guitar and lost my voice too many times to count due to hours upon hours of singing. I have laughed, cried, rejoiced and mourned. I have applied for at least 20-30 jobs (I lost count) and had no luck (yet!). I got turned down from not one but two internships with ministries. I have questioned God's goodness. A lot. I have had many "A-ha!" moments with God and then fallen into sin right after it. In other words, it's been the hardest, most challenging and confusing summer I've ever had. Because the events of the summer so far, a part of me feels like the next year of my life is going to be one that stretches me beyond what I could ever imagine.

I just finished reading a book called "A Million Ways to Die." The author Rick James talks about how we must die to ourselves in order to truly live. This means dying little deaths every day, multiple times a day. Maybe it's doing the dishes for someone else; admitting that you're wrong; not arguing, even if you're right; and anything that would require you to be humbled, humiliated or exposed as lesser than someone else. Phlippians 1:21 says "For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain." It shouldn't have taken reading a verse for the thousandth time (probably literally) to realize that dying to myself helps Jesus live through me.

On the day I graduated, my grandma was admitted to the hospital. 10 days later on a Wednesday, she passed away. Even though I know now that she is with Jesus, I had no idea where she was at first. I don't think it was a coincidence that I was reading a book about death (as morbid as it sounds) while I walked through the pain of her death. The book talks about death from every biblical perspective you can think of. Literal death. Spiritual death. Death to self. Martyrdom. But the thing I remember the most from this book was Rick James' chapters on courage. Courage, according to Rick James, isn't just sucking it up, but looking fear, danger, pain and confusion in the face and not run away, but walk towards it and eventually, into it. I got the phone call on Monday that my grandma had less than 48 hours to live. I never lost hope that she'd recover and heal, but I also never expected her to heal. Thus, I needed courage to face the inevitable. I knew that it would be painful. I quickly realized I could do nothing but pray. This was one of the most intense times of prayer I had ever had in my life. Ask me about it sometime.

In Isaiah 47:8-11, Yahweh calls out the Babylonians and charges them with these words:

“Now then, listen, you lover of pleasure, lounging in your security and saying to yourself, ‘I am, and there is none besides me. I will never be a widow or suffer the loss of children.’ Both of these will overtake you in a moment, on a single day: loss of children and widowhood. They will come upon you in full measure, in spite of your many sorceries and all your potent spells. 10 You have trusted in your wickedness and have said, ‘No one sees me.’ Your wisdom and knowledge mislead you when you say to yourself, ‘I am, and there is none besides me.’11 Disaster will come upon you, and you will not know how to conjure it away. A calamity will fall upon you that you cannot ward off with a ransom; a catastrophe you cannot foresee will suddenly come upon you."

"I am and there is none besides me." They were trying to play God in their own lives. God was asking Babylon to die to themselves; to give up their overindulgence in exchange for an abundant life with Him. Long story short, Babylon experienced a lot of pain and struggle because they did not follow God or give up their self-seeking lives. They essentially said "oh...that'll never happen to me' (v. 8). But Jesus said "I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly" (John 10:10). Sometimes, the lives we live don't seem very abundant because of pain, confusion and loss. Babylon had "it all" (whatever that means). They were rich and were envied. And when God asked them to give something up for His glory, they said no and God did what he had to to bring them back. And I can only imagine that it, to be blunt, sucked. God is asking me to walk away from the friends, ministry, passions and that He has placed in my life order to follow Him. In ignoring that, the Lord has brought a lot of conviction, tears and pain to turn me back to Him. I don't like it. Sometimes I think I hate it. But I know that it's good. These are words that keep coming back to my head.

I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back
The cross before me, the world behind me.
No turning back

And as I hear these words, I hear Jesus telling me not to worry and to have courage. I don't know where the Lord is going to take me. I'm going to finish out the summer in Madison, and then go back home where I am certain of nothing but confusion (at least for now), pain and frustration. I'll confess that I am terrified and of what is coming. But for the joy set before Him, Jesus died for me. I need courage to choose to believe that every day. I need courage to watch my best friends go do international missions work in a place that my heart feels eternally attached to. I need courage to follow Jesus. I desire the abundant life Jesus offers me. So if going home in the fall is where I'll experience it, I will follow my God there. Rick James mentions that it is courage, not merely faith that Jesus had in order to have that joy before Him. I've never really thought about courage in that way before, but now that I think about it...faith and courage go hand-in-hand. I feel like faith is something you should have in times of uncertainty or doubt. But courage is needed when you're stepping into something that you can already see. Maybe I'm wrong. And if I am, God will again, convict me. But if the Christ-following life is about waking up every morning and hoping that you'll be "right" then we've missed the point. God is calling us to die in order to live and have abundant life. Why do we fail when we try doing things on our own strength? Because we do it as Babylon did it "I am and there is none besides me." Not only is that pride...but that is selfishness. All too often we make failed attempts to control our own lives but don't realize that when we do, we are playing God in our own lives and not letting God be God. Who are we to play judge? God humbled himself and became man. I feel like that'd be like a human becoming a nat or a vile insect who lives for like an hour. Seriously? This is the God that we serve?! What a privilege. We are not God. We are not perfect. We are selfish, disobedient and sinful people who Jesus died for. So with as much joy as we can have set before us...we must go to the cross and die to ourselves, believing that the outcome of a little death results in a kind of resurrection and redemption that mimics Jesus' death just a little.

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs--
heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ
if indeed we share in his sufferings in order
that we may also share in his glory."
--Romans 8:17--

RUN to the cross. No turning back. This is the life that God has called us to live.