Love won't forsake you

This past November, our ministry sent a team of 14 to East Asia on a week-long missions trip. The day before they left, I realized that it had been two years since I was sent there. A few days ago, my friend Cole asked me the question: "how much do you remember about that week?" I paused and thought for a second and realized that I remembered so many things. I remember the smell of the rooms, how the sheets and mattresses felt. Standing in awe of God's creation as I stood on the Great Wall. Experiencing a prayer walk for the first time. Feeling comfortable sharing my faith for the first time. The food. The insane traffic and reckless cab drivers. As Cole asked me that question and I took a second to think, I realized that I remember almost everything. The more I think back to that week, the more I remember. But the more I remember, the more my heart hurts.

Today, it has been approximately two years and two months since I set foot on most devastatingly beautiful soil of the harvest I've ever seen. After the cross, East Asia was one of the first times I understood Agape. Sometimes I don't even want to think about it because of how much it hurts me and pains me. There are days where all I want to do is drop everything and go be with these people. I want to carry their burdens. I want their hearts to be able to experience true heartbreak the way that I am able to. I want them to feel. I want them to awaken from their slumber so they can taste and see that God is calling them. I want them to know that their hearts are failing.

If I’m being honest...sometimes, I don’t want to love East Asia. Sometimes I’d rather forget so I don’t have to deal with the reality of the place. But no matter what I do, it always comes back. I’m reminded of little things about it, and I can’t escape it.

Most people know that I am a musician. I play piano and guitar, and I sing. But the one thing I’ve always wished I could do was compose lyrically and musically. I have never been able to write a song on my own, whether it is just words or just music. I’ve gotten a tune or a verse here and there…but never anything complete. Most of the time, I try too hard to write or compose that I fail. But the one complete song that I have written is about East Asia. Why God would choose to have the first song I ever write be about this place is not a coincidence. The chorus of the song goes like this

I can’t escape you

So I won’t leave you

‘Cause your heart is failing

And your eyes are closing

And you don’t know

"you" is the country of East Asia. I have to sing/play it at least once a day in order to remember. In East Asia, the people in our generation tend to give themselves American names. While I was there, some of the others on our team met a guy named Allen Iverson. In the words of Marc Nettleton: “He wasn’t Allen. He wasn’t Iverson. He was Allen Iverson.” Others met Cheese, Blender, Link, and so many other ridiculous names. I met Feeling.

She was one of the happiest people I had ever met. She said school was hard and that her parents pressured her to be the best. But she also said that it was okay because it’d be worth it in the end if it meant being successful. For Feeling, she was okay with the pressure, it made her work hard. She believed that the pressure from her parents was a sign of love. She was thankful for her education and told me she was happy and content with life. And I believed her. And that was the worst part...she was truly content with her life even though she wasn't walking with Jesus. This is why we go. At the end of that conversation, I could barely look at her because I knew her joy was empty. She was living a life to please people and perform for others.

Tonight at primetime, Troy Maragos defined joy as a supernatural delight. On some level, Feeling had that. But again, it was empty. God graced me to help her understand that Jesus could fill that. To this day, I have no idea where she is or if she is walking with Jesus. But today, I remember her. God has reminded me to pray for her today.

I just finished reading a book called "Confessions" by Saint Augustine. In this memoir, he recalls all of his beliefs, unbelief, and doubts before believing in Jesus as the truth. In the first chapter, he tries answering the question: "Who then are you, my God?" This is what he comes up with.

"Most high, utterly good, utterly powerful, most omnipotent, most merciful and most just, deeply hidden yet most intimately present, perfection of both beauty and strength, stable and incomprehensible, immutable and yet changing all things, never new, never old, making everything new and 'leading' the proud 'to be old without their knowledge'; always active, always in repose, gathering to yourself but not in need, supporting and filling and protecting, creating and nurturing and bringing to maturity, searching even though to you nothing is lacking: you love without burning, you are jealous in a way that is free of anxiety, you 'repent' (Genesis 6:6) without the pain of regret, you are wrathful and remain tranquil. You will change without any change in your design. You recover what you find, yet have never lost. Never in any need, you rejoice in your gains; you are never avaricious, yet you require interest. We pay you more than you require so long as to make you our debtor, yet who has anything which does not belong to you? (1 Cor. 4:7). You pay off debts, though owing nothing to anyone; you cancel debts and incur no loss"

This is the same God who loves every person I hate. This is the same God who gives his creation a choice to turn to Him, knowing that many of them will turn away. He created us knowing that His heart would break in the process of trying to bring us back to Him. But now, we are coming back. His children are calling out to Him. When I read this, I know that this is the God I serve and attempt to love. I'm overwhelmed and humbled. I feel small yet utterly significant to God. I feel a rush of adrenaline right now as I understand that God looks at me and sees JESUS. His heart breaks when I turn from Him. His incomprehensible grace and mercy reign over my mind. I ask myself...HOW? How can a God so love a fallen heart like mine? How could a King so royal like Jesus joyfully go to the cross for ME? How can he love a mindless fallen race like humans? I cannot grasp it. Therefore I stand in awe. That is all we can do. We can stand in the presence of God and bask in His glory as we were made to do.

The last thing that Augustine’s excerpt helps me to understand is this: this is the same God who loves those who I love. Now when I think about how much my heart calls to the people of East Asia and think about how much I love them, it pales in comparison to how much God loves them. And then I’m reminded that even if I forget, God won’t. His love won’t let Him. The last part of the song I wrote goes like this.

I’m afraid I’ll forget you

I’m afraid I won’t need you

So I’ll promise you one thing

It’s the only promise I can make

Love won’t forsake you

He’ll never leave you

‘Cause your heart is failing

And your eyes are closing

And you don’t know

I remember seeing you,

I remember wondering

Are we the same?

Are we different at all?

I think about how much these people need Jesus and how there are people in underground churches who are at risk for persecution because they have chosen to follow Christ. I have always told myself that they need Jesus more than I do. But then I realize that perhaps, in my comfortable, selfish, apathetic, passive, safe, American faith, my need for Jesus is no different than the people of this East Asia. After writing this song, I understand that my need for Jesus is just as great as theirs. And perhaps it's even greater because of the ways that I overindulge in this world. Love won't forsake them, nor will He forsake me. Because we know this, it is our calling to let others know. Love won't forsake us and will not let us forsake them. He will not forsake them. Tonight, I rest in that.