face-to-face

I came face to face with myself last night. I didn't like what I saw. I saw my old self and tried to hide. I sat at my kitchen table at 3am trying to study for an exam. With no gratitude whatsoever for this education I argued with myself about the purpose of this exam. The "righteous" part of me said "God wants you to do this." But my old self said "this is for yourself." And the new me believed it. I had no gratitude for the education. I had no gratitude for the opportunity to learn. No gratitude or even recognition of the God given gift it is to be able to think and comprehend anything. No gratitude for the breath that God himself breathes in me to live. No gratitude for my God who holds my life together. And in a gollum/smeagol conversation, I was told that I am my own worst enemy. I let my old self win. Then I told myself..."No...you're dead. You're dead. You're not real. I am righteous. This is for Jesus. Not for you." And so a battle in the midst of war ensued. Within this battle I had victory but also defeat. I let the old self win by telling me lies and believing them. I sinned in thought and action. Oh, did I sin. I asked for forgiveness and went to bed. This morning, I woke up 10 minutes before my exam began and it wasn't until I walked to class that I realized the weight of this event that occurred only 5 hours earlier.

"We’re not only held captive by our sin, but also by the delusion of our righteousness. Resting in God’s grace isn’t just about confessing your sin; it’s about forsaking your righteousness as well" --Paul David Tripp

Last night I told myself "You're a sinner. You leave Jesus over and over. You forsake and abandon your first love. But you have grace because you're righteous." In the same way I tend to play my own judge and dwell on shame and guilt, I played my own judge and told myself that I was "good" because I chose to say yes to Jesus. I told myself that I have hope for heaven and being made perfect even though my iniquities on this earth would follow me forever. I acknowledged my sin. I acknowledged the apostles actions and desires to be holy. I told myself to follow their ways. I told myself to look to Paul the apostle as an example. Not once did I acknowledge Jesus. Talk about being held captive by righteousness.

About an hour ago, I finished my exam then ran into a good friend (which meant walking by each other as we said hi)...then we exchanged a few words through text message about needing to love Jesus through everything. I then thought about my face to face encounter the night before. I felt guilty. Then I remembered this bible verse:

"Who is a God like you,who pardons sin and forgives
the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.
You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins
underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea"
--Micah 7:18-19--

Take that Satan.
You lose.
You're defeated.
I stand in victory.
I am God's delight.
Jesus WINS.

Go face-to-face with Jesus, and you'll always win. Do not fight Him for he is your victor. Do not hesitate to fight, for the enemy is swift with his arrows. KNOW and BELIEVE that the old is gone. The new is here. Command the old self to leave. Abandon sin and abandon your fleshly tendency to erase sin with the simple words of "I'm forgiven." You're not just forgiven. You're hidden with Christ. It is in Jesus Christ that you are righteous.

Jesus. Mercy. Grace. Heart. Good. LOVE. Great. Faithful. Victory. REAL. Yeshua. Life. Abundance. GOD. Sunshine. Blue Skies. Captive Freer. Liberation. A perfect harmony. Faith. Patience. Light. Nice. Compassionate. LOVE. Music. Perfect. LOVE. Neverending. Here. Prince of Peace. LOVE. Forever. Freedom. Always. LOVE. Holy. Still. LORD. Risen. Just. Kind.
Did I mention LOVE?

JESUS...my King, You are these things.