"These things we long for..."

As many of you know, the Lord has placed a time of waiting in my life in regards to full-time missions work overseas, specifically in East Asia. Eleven days ago, after 4 years of waiting, I boarded a plane for this smoggy, crowded and devastatingly beautiful nation. I'll save stories and details for another time, but I will say that I, along with the 9 others I went with, got to experience what the Lord is doing in East Asia.

Four days ago, I boarded a plane to return home to Madison. Getting on a plane to leave this nation was the most painful thing I've experienced in a long time. I'm not comparing this pain to that of what follows with the death of a loved one or the heartbreak of a long relationship. It isn't the pain that you pray away...it's the pain that is synonymous with a holy anguish. This kind of pain sits at the core of my being and flutters at the mention or even thought of East Asia. It's as if the Lord has engraved this nation into the marrow of my bones, every neuron of my brain and every crevice of my broken life. It is a kind of pain that I never want to be healed and a love that I know will never be lost. It's pain that comes from Jesus and unconditional love that is a display of God's love for us.

As we settled onto the plane and it took off...it surprised me how numb I felt about leaving. I didn't cry, I didn't flinch and didn't experience sadness or anger or frustration. As soon as the seat belt light turned off, I read a bit and then watched a movie. But as I turned off the movie a few hours after take-off and put played music through my ipod, these words by Mumford and Sons hit me like the cold hits your lungs on a below zero winter day, "I will love with urgency but not with haste."

My numbness quickly turned into uncontrollable tears. This happened 3 separate times on the plane. This was not of me. The only explanation for it: Jesus. As I sit here, I still don't understand how it makes ANY sense that this is the nation my heart beats for. But I do understand that as I love East Asia, my God loves it more. That is why this holy anguish exists in me. Whether my "time" in East Asia is this next year, in 10 years or never...I will love with urgency but not with haste. I think about Jesus' words to the disicples before ascending into heaven:

“He [Jesus] said to them, ‘It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by His own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.”- Acts 1:7-8

I look at my past and my specific sin struggles (pride, selfishness, religiosity, sexual sin and immorality, jealousy, idolizing life and relationships over Jesus, etc) and wonder if it's those things that "qualify" me as a laborer for East Asia. I struggle with jealousy of my peers who are fearlessly serving in East Asia right now. How are they better than me? How can I become more like them? Can I go once I'm more like them?

This is a frustrating but real picture of human depravity. God's mission is about HIM, not me. Yet, my nature can so easily make this heart break and pain about me. God did not create people in East Asia so that my heart could break for them. He didn't create them so I would have a specific purpose within the Great Commission. He created them because they are His sons and daughters. They are his lost sons and daughters which we have been entrusted with. We, as Christ-followers, have been given the only means of life by which they can be called back home to their Father.

In the last four days, I've been re-living the 5 days I spent in East Asia and have clung to moments of joy because I have no idea when I'll be able to experience it again. I have idolized my experiences and the fruit that was born through those times. This reminds me of Jesus sending out the 72 (Luke 10). When the 72 are sent, they return rejoicing in the truth that even the demons submit to them. In other words, they took more joy in their successes in ministry before anything else. Jesus responds with this:

"I have given you authority to trample on snakes 

and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; 

nothing will harm you.  

However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, 

but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

Luke 10:19-20

My name is written in heaven. Another translation says it's written in the book of life. But it is only because of what Jesus did on the cross. He bore my shame and died a gruesome and painful death, both physically and spiritually so that my name could be written in the book of life. Why should I ever desire anything more than Jesus, Himself? Why should I ever rejoice more in the fruit of ministry more than the One who is the vine? 

Tonight, a friend shared this quote with me from Lewis' "The Weight of Glory":

"These things [we long for]- the beauty, 

the memory of our own past- 

are good images of what we really desire; 

but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, 

they turn into dumb idols, 

breaking the hearts of their worshippers. 

For they are not the thing itself; 

they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, 

the echo of a tune we have not heard, 

news from a country we have never yet visited." 

- CS Lewis

The reality is that what I long for is only a glimpse of my Creator's longing for East Asia...for my entire heart. Though I may falter to give Him all of me or surrender my future with East Asia to Him...He will never falter to relentlessly pursue me. In Him we live and move and have our being. Every breath I take as I write this is a gift from Him. Though I often attempt to pray it away, every tear I shed and every moment of pain and heartbreak for East Asia is from Him...which means it's good. So whether I return to East Asia tomorrow, next year or never...my God is surely God. Yahweh. Perfect. Author and Writer of my life and faith. Creator of my every nerve, cell, movement and moment of joy. To not live and move and breathe solely for the God who causes me to do so would be a mistake.