A painful kind of Love

A significant aspect of my walk has been understanding just a little bit what it means to LOVE. And not just any love. But AGAPE.

Agape is self-denial for the sake of another. Our English word "agony" comes from agape. When I think of agony, I imagine someone being so passionately absorbed in something that it causes us an emotional or perhaps physical pain. Agony is painful. It hurts. Maybe I'm stretching it...but in knowing this...I can't hear "Agape" and not think that it means to love so much that it hurts. Agape is how God loves us. I don't think Agape is God's love because God himself is love. But I believe that God has agape FOR us. He loves us SO much that it hurts him when we choose people before Him. He loves us so much that it hurts Him to see us hurting as He strips us of pride and the things we believe make us happy.

God has given us certain things because He loves us and wants us to be happy. He doesn't just give because He feels like it. An education, friends, family, clothes, an earthly home...even materalistic things like laptops, iPods, cellphones, cars, MONEY, etc. How on earth can we believe that He blesses us with those kinds of things just because he wants to do it for us? Yes...it's true. But he blesses us with all of these things in order for us to use them to worship Him. Ask yourself this...how have you glorified God through your laptop today? How have you used your homework to love God with your heart and mind? How have you loved God today? Have you loved God at all today?

We live our lives striving to be like Him by doing all the stereotypical things of Christian culture. Christian culture tells you to do good things. Christian culture judges those who only go to church on Easter and Christmas. Christian culture believes they have a right to judge those outside of the church at all. Christian culture says that the music at a church was really great. Christian culture makes clones who walk and talk the same.

But Jesus? He makes radical disciples who realize that they're all different because they're the same in God's eyes. Disciples of Jesus understand and believe that musical worship is about worshiping God in His glory, NOT about how they did or didn't or can or couldn't connect with God because of the worship songs played during that service. Jesus tells us that we're inadequate and righteous at the same time. Jesus tells his disciples, us, that we have a duty to love the people who hate Him. Jesus tells us to take up our cross and FOLLOW him. When you're in a caravan, the leader signals so you know where to go and when. We must look for God's blinker and follow Him. We must mimic Him so we can get to where we are meant to be. We must love like Jesus did.

One of the greatest examples of Jesus loving during his ministry is in John 11 when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. The book of John refers to Lazarus as someone that Jesus loves (11:3). Shortly after being made aware that Lazarus is sick, Jesus receives news from Lazarus' sisters that he has died. His response to Lazarus's sisters is "Your brother will rise again...I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (John 11:23, 25-26). Jesus KNOWS that He is going to rise Lazarus from the dead. Yet...in John 11:35, Jesus weeps. Even though Jesus knew what was going to happen, His heart still broke when he saw someone he loved helpless and dead. Jesus had a physical reaction because of how much he loved Lazarus.

This is how God sees us. He sees us the way Jesus saw Lazarus. Even though he understood that the one whom he loved would rise again...his heart hurt. When we are hurting, God hurts with us. In fact, I believe that it hurts God more. We're not called to live happily. We're called to live our lives in a manner WORTHY OF THE GOSPEL.

Paul was absolutely right when he said "If I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing" --1 Corinthians 13: If we are called to love and live like Jesus and follow Him...we must suffer. We must feel pain. We must cry and sacrifice. This is what love is. GOD IS LOVE. Maybe you're thinking that it's too hard to do. It's too hard to love people who hate you. To be blunt and honest...we hate God everyday when we sin. Or you might say...it's too hard to love God when you're spiritual state is in shambles. We must ask our Father for strength and trust that despite how emotional we get...He will remain steady. Jesus is SEATED at the right hand of God. He isn't pacing. He isn't emotional like humans are. Trust that God will love you. Trust that DOES love you. Trust that he will abound grace to you to help you love Him back.

Jesus said "Whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me"--Matthew 25:40. So...this is what you do: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." After you get the slightest glimpse of what that means...other things will come naturally. After you experience true and raw Agape, You will understand just a little (and I mean little) what the Father experienced as He was forced to turn away as His Son endured the wrath of His own Father. It was a holy, burning, passionate, joyful, but painful love. THIS is the greatest love of all.

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Fall in love and hold nothing back

So, I work at Chick-Fil-A. It's fast food, so you can only imagine what it's like to work there. We have set up all of these stereotypes about who works at these "fast food" chains and what the atmosphere is like. There was a day last week where I felt every emotion I could possibly have felt. At one point, I wanted to scream in frustration with how far behind we were in orders. (at one point, we were 20+ orders behind. eek!). My patience was tested and I realized something that seems simple: I need God. All the time in everything. Intellectually, I know that. But once I grasped that just a little bit with my heart, a lot of things came flooding to me.

I have a friend named Josh whose writing is just BEAUTIFUL. The rhythm of his words and the incredible pictures he paints leave me feeling refreshed. A few months ago, he wrote about having this cry in us when we most desire to share something but have no words for it.

He puts it better than I ever could:
__________________________
"Sometimes I imagine all of humanity gathered together in a giant field, all staring at the sky and screaming something, our hands not content to remain at our sides and our souls resolved to not stay silent. I can see the image so clearly in my head, and sometimes the roar becomes so loud that it drowns out the noises in reality, but for the majority of my life I could not understand a word we were screaming. I knew exactly what emotions it would invoke as it came out, and I could taste exactly how the words would taste as they left my soul and made their way out of my mouth, but I could not spell them with letters."

Josh Lancette
http://joshlancette.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/for-what-we-cry/
___________________________
His words are the perfect way to describe how I've been feeling as of late. It's like I have all this pent up emotion that has had no release due to pride and honestly, lack of time. Because of this, I have unknowingly become numb to so much. I don't know how to convey my thoughts in words...not even to God. I have had to rely on the faith that God knows my heart. And I know he does, but when your heart is screaming for release, the rest of you becomes entangled in it and consumes your every thought. Don't get me wrong, I love it here and love the people. The Lord is teaching me about leadership and how to share my faith, but I feel as though I am going through the deeds with no faith. I don't have faith that God will move in my life. I was telling a friend the other day that "getting something" out of project may not be the best thing in the world. We often think that But it could very well be something that makes us angry. It could be letting go of a relationship or letting go of unhealthy friendships. It could be the reality that your parents are choosing not to believe in God. It could be the reality that this world is slowly dying and you're not doing anything about it. I've had moments of frustration with the way I've felt while being here. I've definitely felt like I wasn't "getting anything" out of project. In those moments, I've questioned God's goodness. I've even questioned His love for me. I've believed that God would relieve me of my bitter and unfaithful hearts if I did everything in His name. But God reminded me of a conversation that I had with my good friend, Evan. We discussed this: we would feel so much more power and strength if we brought Jesus to life. Meaning...we always say "Jesus is with us all the time." But do we really bring Him to life and picture Him physically with us? Because that's exactly how we should feel! You would feel empowered to love and live radically like He calls us to.

It's been a process...but I'm slowly leaving that stale place of complacency and unwinding the truths of who Jesus is. It's really beautiful the way Jesus is coming into my life more and more. I feel like He's pursuing me. I know He always is. But it's been so great how clear He is making it that HE LOVES ME. Everyday for the past 2 weeks, I have been captured with that simple yet so profound fact: God loves me. God loves me despite my nature to leave Him and sin. He loves me even though I don't love Him all the time. Jesus died and rose again for me. He died for every sin of mine. While I know that no sin is bigger than the other...i just can't wrap my head around the fact that Jesus died because one day, I couldn't help but be a glutton and eat too much. Or that so many times in one day, I envy someone who can sing better than I can, or looks better than I do. Or that I get upset at someone for getting in my way. Or judge someone for talking too much. All these little and trivial things that are still sin...Jesus had to die for it. And that 1. makes Jesus more incredible than I already thought and 2. is such a display of LOVE.

As I try to love the Lord with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul and all my strength...one lyric comes to my head by Copeland: "If you fall in love, fall in love and hold nothing back." (Hold Nothing Back).

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Life's a mission

So much for weekly updates, eh? Sorry! The schedule down here is so much busier than I had anticipated so please forgive me! An short update on NMB project itself:

1. Last week, God used the people on our project to initiate over 2500 spiritual conversations, present the gospel over 600 times, and lead 101 people to Christ!
2. There's only one temperature here: HOT
3. I'm working at Chik-fil-A...which is a fast food restaurant that serves a lot of Chicken.
4. I'm now leading the acoustic worship team on sunday nights for the project (something I'm still getting used to saying)
5. My roommates/bible study/impact group are AMAZING
6. Prayer requests!
-For strength and energy for everyone on the project. It's fun...but exhausting
-For unity among the students and staff...it's been awesome...but pray for even more unity :)
-For safety for the project people, but also for the MANY high school kids around who come here to party hard
7. Tonight marks the start of World week! Yay!!
___________________________________
This is what has been on my mind lately.

For anyone who knows me, they'd say I'm a pretty extroverted person. However, I've found myself wanting to be by myself or in small groups rather than big group stuff. I've definitely included myself, no worries. But I've found that it's only during my alone time that I'm able to think about why I'm truly here: to grow in order to be sent.

As I go from work to project events, I find myself so incredibly focused on my personal growth (it's not a bad thing, by any means...it's the reason I came here) that I forget what burdens I know I'm meant to live with. One of those burdens is the weight of eternal glory. We are taught that eternal perspective means not to live by worldly standards and know with our minds and hearts that things like grades and appearance don't matter. I couldn't agree more with that. But do I live that way? Nope...because I let my flesh take over.

About a month before coming to North Myrtle, I had a conversation with my two good friends Johanna and Emily about what eternal perspective really means. As we sat in what UW-Madison calls "the prayer room" at 1am on a monday night, we realized what it meant to LIVE with an eternal perspective. Over and over again in the Bible, prophecies are fulfilled and nations are changed. The last prophecy of the bible is that Jesus is coming back. Meaning, that is what we're waiting on RIGHT NOW. We're waiting for Jesus to come back. What kind of weight is that to carry? The bible says that "He will come like a thief in the night." No one knows when He will return except the Father. Yet, we discussed this idea: that if somehow, we knew when and where Jesus was to return...true worshippers and believers around the world would drop everything to go to the world. The way we interact with people who walk down the street would change radically. I picture my friends and I sitting around a map and designating others to different places around the globe. Just picture it! What would it look like to see every knee bow at the name of Jesus and what would it sound like to hear every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord? It would be BEAUTIFUL. Other than God, I can't think of a sight more astounding than the sight of everyone worshipping our King and giving Him the praise He deserves. And when I think about Jesus' return, it gets me excited because in heaven, we are seated in the heavenly realms and are CO-HEIRS with Christ! In heaven, it will be an eternity without pain, suffering and sin and only with love, passion, joy and peace. Even further, we will be embraced by our true love and hear "well done my good and faithful servant."

So...my burden is this: I can't wait for heaven and can't wait to stand before Him and rejoice in victory, but I have this heart wrenching fear that-as bad as it sounds-Jesus is going to come back too soon. I'm burdened at the thought of knowing that if Jesus came at this very moment...even though I would be able to spend eternity with Him, there would be people that I could never see again. It scares me that there are people that I love more than I can say that I would not be able to hug or love again because they would spend an eternity separated from their Creator. And I think about the lost around the world that have never heard the good news. I hear all of this and immediately, God places an urgency in my soul that returns a kind of passion and freedom that I so often forget. It's not only an urgency to share the Gospel...but it's an urgency to LOVE others. It's an urgency to truly rejoice in everything as Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

Even though the book of Revelation scares me...I KNOW that faith, hope, love, and redemption are real. I know that someday...there will be justice for orphans, widows, the oppressed and marginalized. That is why my heart continues in this battle for the Lord. We are brothers and sisters in Christ that need to unite in order to bring home the lost. We are soldiers in God's army fighting HIS fight. It's not ours to win or lose. We know that in the end, we win...so why do we give up so often? God's word, the belt of truth, the sword of the Spirit, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation...take all of that and FIGHT. Fight hard until the end because the battle is not over. Christ has taken the victory and it's just a matter of persevering through the pain and suffering. We will have casualties in our actions and words...but as we puruse Jesus with a steadfast heart and hold the the truths of love, grace, salvation and redemption...the injuries are worth it.

Life's a mission: Activate (NMB motto!)

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth." --John 4:23-24

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NMB day 1 & 2

I'm in North Myrtle! It's only been 3 days (including travel time) and I feel like there's so much I want to share!

Seven cars road tripped from the Dakotas/Twin Cities and picked up a few Wisconsinites along the way (like me!). We left at about 4-5 on tuesday and drove straight through the night and I rode with John (NDSU) and Michelle (UW-Steven's Point). I'd say we got to know each other pretty well in the 22 hours that we were together. There was a lot of "what's your favorite ______ ?" I learned a lot of fun and random facts but we were able to talk about Jesus so openly and on such deep levels. I normally do well when meeting people, but knowing that I was going to be meeting 90+ people was a little nerve-wracking. Getting to know John and Michelle appeased the anxiety a bit :) So thanks guys! Anywho...we didn't run into any trouble with cars and we didn't get lost either! Fortunately, our car didn't have a ton of stuff. We were able to turn the backseat into a little bed! 2 pillows + comforter + Jenny = 7 hours of sleep! And the last 20 minutes of the car ride before we arrived consisted of us (mostly John) getting really restless to just get there. But we finally arrived on Wednesday at about 3pm. After registration and settling into the apartment, a few people went to the beach...which was of course wonderful :) From there, we ate dinner as a project at the park.

It's incredible how quickly I have fallen in love with my team. The staff, my roommates, my bible study...I love them all. Shortly after consuming burgers, salad, ho-hos and nutty bars, we all played a game called "The Amazing Pace." Which yes, is like the Amazing Race. There were 5 places we needed to find. We all started in one place and got different clues to each of these places. Someone called it "an intense scavenger hunt" which it was. We had someone throw up from running too much. Eek! But nonetheless...it was fun. Our director (Gary) said that even if someone got sick...we were doing it for the Lord...and it pleased Him. Funny as it sounds, I totally agree with Gary! I'm so ready to dive into this summer and worship Him in all that I do. I'm sure there will be days where I will want to leave and will make some mistakes. But I truly believe that with the power of the Holy Spirit and trusting God, I won't leave with any regrets and will consider this summer one of the best summers of my life...even if it is hard...because the hard things are the best growing experiences and always bring you closer to Jesus.

Last night, Michelle, myself and a few others went outside and sat down to play guitar/sing when these 3 guys came up to us and said "can we listen?!" I thought they were part of the project but they soon told us that they were graduated seniors who came to NMB to came for a vacation. Their names were Josh, Ryan and Shay. As more people joined the group, these three men started asking questions about what why we were here and what we'd be doing. This is where some bold men on the project stepped up and engaged in a sweet spiritual conversation. While I wasn't actually a part of the conversation, I sat along and played my guitar with others and sang. When I could, I listened in on the conversation and heard what Josh understood to be how someone enters heaven. He has the head knowledge and said that he loves the Lord. I believe that with my heart but it seemed like he was trying to say that he hasn't had any fruit from that love. Shay came from a Lutheran background and considered himself and doesn't believe in God. However, due to his need for acceptance, the disbelief in God comes from what thsoe around him and what the world tells him he should/should not believe. Meaning, he believes that he has conformed to what those people believe so that he will be liked/approved of/etc. We all hung out til about midnight and when these guys left, phone numbers were exchanged, hugs were given and we invited them to come back tonight! The 5 of us that were still around when they left were able to pray for them and ask the Lord to continue to work in their lives. So please pray that they do come back :) I could say so much about these guys....but it was an incredible way to end the first day and I'm so glad I'm finally here :)

Email/call/text/write if you want!
(don't use the first one I put in the first blog!)

Jenny Vang
205 2nd Avenue South
North Myrtle Beach, SC 29582

Things to pray for:
-Job for the team
-Developing deep and sincere friendships based on the Lord
-Boldness as we do outreaches (first one tonight!)
-Those we'll talk to on the beach
-That the team would be broken for the people we'll encounter.
-Most of all...pray that we would each walk closely with the Lord and trust Him

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Pre-NMB!

Hello friends and family!

For those of you who don’t know, I’ll be in North Myrtle Beach from May 26^th-August 7^th. It’s a 10 week long summer project with Campus Crusade for Christ. We’ll be with a team of over 100 people that includes college age students and staff from around the nation. We’ll be in bible studies, learning how to share our faith and just growing in community as we pursue Jesus together. I’ll also be working 40+ hours a week at a job that I have yet to get! But…no need to worry...that will be a simple process. Also! We’ll be living one block from the beach!

So…this is where I will be keeping my updates while I’m there. I hope to update the blog at least once a week (don’t hold me to that though!) and keep you all posted about what’s going on in my life as well as prayer request that I/the project might have.

The pre-NMB process has been pretty easy. All I have left to do is pack, which is probably going to be the worst part. I’ll probably do it all the night before because I have no idea how to pack for 10 weeks. Then I’ll be on the road starting at 4pm on the 25^th. It’s an 18ish hour drive. I’ll be with 2 of my fellow NMB-ers. We’re actually caravanning with some of the others going. I love road trips (ask me about my way down to Miami sometime)!

It’s SO exciting to think that in exactly one week, I will be sitting in NMB with my team. There are 16 students from Madison going along with 5 Madison staff. It’ll be nice to have familiar faces around, but I’m already so excited about meeting the rest of the students and staff and just dive into summer. I can’t wait to see what God does through this short summer!

Things you can be praying for:
-Financial support* (I have about 45% of what I need for the summer)
-A job!
-The students and people of NMB that we will be talking to and getting to know

*If you’d like to support me financially, make checks out to “Campus Crusade for Christ” and put my name in the memo line. And mail it to (and there isn't supposed to be a street address because it's picked up at the post office daily):

Jenny Vang
Campus Crusade for Christ
North Myrtle Beach, SC 29582

I enjoy mail though. So if you want to send a letter or postcard, please do! Seriously...I prefer getting letters to getting emails or text messages :)

Until next week!

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...Ben...

On Halloween, the Student Impact outreach team organized an outreach on langdon street where a few people handed out hot chocolate and talked to people about Jesus. So on the way to work (front info desk at the Union) on Halloween morning, I thought to myself something like, "Yeah...I could go. But everyone is going to be drunk and annoying and won't even remember anything anyone says. What's the point?" I was reluctant and didn't know if the outreach was worth going to. Fast forward about and hour or 2 when I sitting at work, reading a book for a religious studies class. At this point, I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to the outreach...just because I didn't want to put up with all of the drunk people out that night. But as I was reading, the author referenced the Bible when Jesus says "Father, forgive them...for they know not what they do." I have read that verse so many times. I've heard sermons on why Jesus said that and what He meant by it. But when I read it while I was at work...I felt a deep conviction that I was not thinking about people--specifically those who would be out on Halloween night--the way that Jesus would think about them. . That was when I knew I was supposed to go to that outreach.

I went...and had a conversation a guy named Ben and his friend. He was a senior in high school. I don't remember who or what he dressed up as...I don't know where he's from...I don't even know his last name. I could tell that he already had a drink or two. But I also knew he was somewhat sober. I asked his friend the question "how do you think someone gets to heaven?"...and he said "Just be a good person and do good things." That's when Ben stepped in and said "No. That's not right. You have to love Jesus. You have to believe that you're sinful and believe that you need Him as your Savior." At this point...his friend and wandered off a few feet away. That's when I asked Ben to tell me a little more about how he came to know that. He was in Colorado at a youth camp his sophomore year of high school. At that point in his life, he believed in God...had heard the Gospel...but still had a lot of doubts. He and his friends went to the top of this huge hill to pray and he snuck off. As he stood beneath the open sky looking at the stars...he prayed and asked God to show him a shooting star if He was real. In that second...Ben saw one, and knew that God was pursuing him and surrender His life to Jesus that night.

Then Ben told me that when he got back home, he experienced what we know as a "spiritual high." He was going to youth group...reading his bible and thirsty to know more about Jesus. Yes, he could have easily made up his story...but I knew that it was geniune. I knew because of how strongly I felt the Spirit there. I felt such a burden for him. He continued on and told me about how he got mixed up in the wrong group of friends. He started drinking and doing drugs regularly. He knew it was wrong...but continued anyway. He said that there would be times when he would come home, high...and just lay in bed and pray. He would talk to God. He would ask God to do something in his life because he didn't have the strength to stop doing drugs and drinking on his own. As he kept talking about the lifestyle he was living...I just listened. After talking for about 5-10 minutes about his life...Ben looked me in the eye and said "I just can't take it anymore." I knew the answer...but I wanted him to say it out loud. When I asked him what he couldn't take anymore...his friend nudged him and said they had to get going. As his friend pulled him away...Ben stepped back towards me and asked me what my name was. I told him and he said something I will never forget. He said "Well Jenny...I love you......because you love Jesus." Then he gave me a hug and walked away.

I don't think I'll ever see Ben again. It's very possible that Ben woke up the next morning oblivious to the conversation we had the previous night. And it's possible that Ben is still doing drugs and partying and living a life that he thinks he needs to live. But it's also possible that God changed him that night. It's possible that Ben is reading his bible and has been redeemed by Jesus. Its my hope and prayer that God used our conversation in Ben's life somehow. Even if it was in a slightest way.

If there's one passion that God has given me in the past 3 years, it's been a heart for the lost and hurting. I don't say that to boast...I say it because it's a burden that God has placed on my heart. Talking to Ben made me realize pain and struggle is so worth it when Jesus is there at the end of it with arms open. Talking to him made me realize that we cannot judge Madison according to the worldy standards that it has as a party school. Instead...we need to love Madison more. We need to love this world through Jesus' eyes. We need to love the people and our hearts need to break for them. As soon as we try to justify judgment on them...we have failed to love. We all know that there are people in our classrooms...people we work with and talk to everyday who need healing, redemption and freedom. Yes...we need to walk in the light. But we also need to BE the light. Do people know that you love Jesus? Are you praying for Madison? For your professors? For classmates? For your lab partner? For the people you walk by? PRAY. Pray that they would come to know Jesus. Pray for redemption in this city. In your family. In the world. We look at people and feel sorry for them and say "if they only knew Jesus," then continue on in our walks with Jesus not seeing that we are walking by and ignoring the people Jesus died to save. Are we doing anything to help them know Jesus? We aren't all called to GO or called into full time ministry. But we're called to love Jesus and FOLLOW him. I think we tend to think about the areas in life that we're following Him in and just improve those areas. But we...at least I never stop to think about how I'm NOT following Him. Just something to think about.

"How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, 'How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!'"--Romans 10:14-15

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTVpyUOR_fI

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The least of these...

"Seek justice,
encourage the oppressed.
defend the cause of the fatherless
plead the case of the widow."
--Isaiah 1:17

Check out this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4NlyZqJhwk

If I don't watch this video daily...I forget that everything said in this video, is true. I once listened to a Francis Chan sermon about how we can anguish over things in our lives; the death of a loved one, a bad grade, money, singleness, etc. Then Francis said something that I completely agree with. Sometimes, we anguish TOO much. Not to say that we shouldn't mourn for people and things. It’s okay to anguish. But he talked about how we often don’t anguish enough over some things.

The things in this video are things I am passionate about. I’m passionate about bringing justice to the child soldier and love to the orphan and widow. . I’m passionate about rescuing the prostituted child and slave. In fact, there are days where I want to drop everything and go be with these people and just love them. But there are days where I feel like I don’t care as much. It’s not deliberate…but I just get caught up in something else and forget. Then I catch myself forcing myself to love them…then feel guilty because I didn’t anguish over these things that specific day. Not to say that we need to force ourselves to have a huge passion for everything. I’ve just come to the conclusion that, until I immerse myself into places of hunger, poverty, and injustice, I won’t be able to truly anguish over these people. It’s a moment by moment thing: loving. Maybe God does it that way so we neither forget or anguish too much.

That's something to ponder.

The following has become my life song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87cpPjNkrVE

This song excites the heck out of me. Everytime I get scared about what the future holds...I listen to this and remember that whatever it holds...that Jesus will be there. And that should be enough. That IS enough. Often times we don't let it be. We live in the most privileged nation and consume the most advanced technologies and have incredible educations. Most importantly...we are exposed to a kind of love that other nations aren't as easily exposed to. God's love. The Great Commission isn't just important cause Jesus said it. It's important because, after loving God and loving Jesus...is what Jesus commanded us to do before ascending into heaven. It's the last thing he said on earth...I'd say that's kind of important. I'm excited for the Great Commission and for the Gospel. I'm excited that one day...every nation, tribe and tongue will bow before our Lord and proclaim that He is God and King. So get on board with me and let's do this.

I know...it's not that easy. Believe me, I know. But I pray that you would all join me in being part of the generation to love the world the way we are meant to and called to. Again...the Great Commission wasn't just a command. It was Jesus' last words to His disciples...and essentially, to us. So let's get to it brothers and sisters! Let's run this race for each other and for the least of these. Let's do it together and carry each others' burdens and rejoice in the successes God gives us. Let's be a light to this dark world and love Jesus with everything we have. I love you all!

Jenny

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners..."
--Isaiah 61:1

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"Where words fail, music speaks"--Hans Christian Andersen

I'm not too sure where this blog is headed. All I know is that I want to give a thorough, but condensed reason for the name of this blog. I apologize in advance for a lack of flow, anything that doesn't make sense...and far too deep thoughts!

The following will explain why/how I named this blog. If you have 15 minutes to spare...watch and listen to the links following and you'll understand why I chose this title.

Explanation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRdFBAz4qzk
Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FI1sSZ1zTEs

Galatians 3:10-13--All who rely on observing the law are under a curse, for it is written: "Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the Book of the Law. "Clearly no one is justified before God by the law, because, "The righteous will live by faith." The law is not based on faith; on the contrary, "The man who does these things will live by them. "Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: "Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree."

(Verse 3:13 is where the 313 in my URL comes from)

Whether it's in school, relationships with family and friends, leading a bible study, doing ministry or in my faith...I find myself feeling inadequate quite often. If I'm honest, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't doubt myself. It's not as depressing as it sounds. It's the reason for this blog title, which you will soon understand :) I know that Jesus has victory. It's why this song has been used time and time again to lead me back to the Gospel. I've told myself numerous times that it should be prayer or studying the Word that leads me back to Jesus...but I've come to realize that when I fail, I can't tell myself to snap out of it and accept grace. I fight the desire to listen to music before praying or reading my bible. I tell myself to do what’s “right” because music shouldn’t be my way to “feel” or “hear” God. But when I do that, I rush through reading or pray insincerely. I have all these false pretenses of what I think I need to do when I’m struggling or needing to be fed spiritually. Yes, reading the Bible and talking to God about it is something that I know I need to do. But I don't think God would have us pray and read our Bibles with an insincere desire to. It’s contingent on the situation and/or person. But in my case, I truly believe that when I don't listen to Him, my friends or family, or the Bible…He uses music to lead me back to the cross where I know I stand in grace.

Today I remembered what music really means to me. It's more than melodies, harmony and words. It's more than an epic song. It's more than a face-melting guitar solo and it's more than a voice that makes me melt or jealous (Brooke Fraser!). It's more than being able to relate to the song. For me, it's about being captured in a specific moment of the song that brings you into those few seconds, whether it be the peak of the build of the song, the voice, what have you. At my lowest where I didn't accept grace, God used music to remind me of His truths about grace and His love for me. I would talk to people who spoke truth to me. But the spiritual battle waging inside of me didn't allow the words of my brothers and sisters in Christ to resonate with me. My flesh told me that they were just saying "that" to get me to shut up and stop complaining. I remember days where I couldn't concentrate on anything except my inadequacy. I didn't want to talk to God, and I didn't want to talk to people. I didn't want to talk at all. I couldn't focus on Jesus in my ministry, bible studies, primetime, or in my relationships with friends and family. So I would put my earbuds in and just listen. Because in those few minutes of melodies and words, reality was gone. My inadequacy was gone. And Jesus came to life for me. It was as if that specific song, chord or lyric was Jesus speaking directly to me. In one specific moment, the intricacies in the orchestration of melodies, emotions and lyrics came to life as Jesus Christ who I so desperately longed for.

This is why I love music, and embrace accusation: this specific period of my life where music truly spoke instead of words. Even God’s word. I always knew that music was huge in my life. But it wasn’t until Spring of 2009 that I realized why, for me, music is vital. My love for it has always existed, but I could never explain what it did to me or what it was for me. It helped me to see why I, and so many others, whether musically inclined or not, “get lost” in the music. And why people say that worship is the best way they can connect with God. God uses it to bring us back to Him when we have the inability rely on Him alone. I write this because I think many of you understand all of this. I probably went deeper than most people would. But this is how I love music...and I wanted to share it with you :)

"...Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to God the Father for everything..."--Ephesians 5:19

Read my story here: http://uwsi.wordpress.com/2009/11/02/jennys-story/

Jenny

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