For Freedom

About a month ago, I found myself unable to verbalize or process anything I was thinking or feeling. It was frustrating and confusing because I am naturally an external and verbal processor. I thought it was because I wasn't doing enough to hear from God. So I did everything and anything I could that was even remotely "Christian" to see if God would show up or give me words. I didn't doubt God's presence in my life. It felt more like God was "taking a breather" from fixing my life or big crazy things. When doing didn't work, I stopped. Not out of rebellion though. I stopped because I thought, "maybe God wants me to just BE and not try so hard." Lo, and behold, I tried too hard to BE and just got lazy. This was when I had the sad and convicting realization of how legalistic I truly am.

Up until this point, I never believed myself to be legalistic. Or that I at least lacked it compared to others. Because of my past and my specific story and sin struggles, I am more likely extend grace and speak truth with grace to others rather than get frustrated and angry or be bluntly honest with others. I believe compassion is a gift that the Lord has given me to show to others. This is not to boast, it is to say that God gave me that ability to have compassion and act on it because He desires for me to know Him as a God of compassion, grace and mercy. I used to believe that I wasn't legalistic because I struggle/d with certain things that required me to know and believe that there was nothing that I could do to "make up for it."

I believe that I am a disciple of Jesus Christ and believe I am guided by his Holy Spirit. I believe I am a child of God. I believe in the message of the Gospel of Christ. I am forgiven, redeemed and freed by God who created me to know Him. I believe that Christ has covered all my sins and washed away the sting of death and the pain of sin so I could live my life to make His name known. But these are not just my individual beliefs. These are truths that by His grace, God has made known to my inherent rebellious heart. Because I believe this, I know where my identity lies and who it lies in. Because I believe this, I KNOW that one of the truths of the Gospel is that there is not a single thing I can do; a single word I can speak; a single act of love and compassion that I can perform to be loved by God.

I have recently and very tangibly realized that I am exactly who I thought I wasn't. I am a legalistic Christian who believes I have to do "x" amount of things until/before I am accepted by others as a "good" Christian. I am a legalistic Christian who thinks I will be fully accepted by God once particular sins are removed from my life.

What a bitter pill to swallow.

If we call Jesus our Lord and Savior, a lot of us think this way. We can wholeheartedly proclaim God as Redeemer and the One who set us free and we can tell others that this is who Jesus is. But we can simultaneously believe that we are not yet free from "this" sin or "that" past mistake. Why is this, you ask? For me, it's because I was legalistic about my sin and felt that I needed to work my way back up to the top.

To show me that I can do NOTHING to be accepted and loved by Him, God allowed me to experience the most tangible victory and freedom. This is not just the lovey-dovey, half-hearted freedom that we talk about. It wasn't just a taste of freedom. But it was FREEDOM. It is freedom. The kind of freedom William Wallace shouts about in his infamous freedom speech. The kind of freedom Jesus brought us when he gladly put the burden of our sins on his shoulders. The kind of freedom Jesus talks about in John 8:31-32

“If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

I always interpreted that passage as "if you know the truth, then you are really my disciple." Even though, before my realization, I was a disciple...my heart was hardened to the simple fact that God needed me to stop trying so hard. In my desperate attempts in seeking Jesus, I became legalistic. I finally realized that, in this passage, Jesus is saying "If you are really my disciple, then you already know the truth. And the truth will set you free." The realization of my legalism led me to ask myself the question: Who do I want to be? It was clear to me that I did NOT want to fall into legalism and not accept the beautiful complexity of what we call GRACE. Oh man, did I want grace. I wanted the abundant life that Jesus came for me to have. I wanted to be a disciple of Christ...just as Jesus talks about in the passage above. I have finally realized that it really is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

If we are in Christ, we are ambassadors and we are disciples of Jesus. THIS is who we are. And when we choose to walk in the ways of this world, we slip back into our old selves. The apostle Paul speaks such fiery truth when he says:

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view.
Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:
The old has gone, the new is here!
-2 Corinthians 5:17

I'm picturing Jesus shaking me and screaming at the top of His lungs..."you're FREE. FREE!" And I have finally snapped out of it and come to the realization that I no longer need to be burdened by the yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1). The AWESOME part about all of this is this: when this happened, I was doing absolutely NOTHING to fight for freedom or accept it. I was actually doing the complete opposite...I was believing that there was no hope to be set free from certain sins. So DO NOT resolve to believing that the word of God is simply a book with too many words and names that you can't pronounce. The Word itself is TRUTH. Do not resolve to only looking at the freedom offered to us...but take it in your hands and never let it go...because God never will.

Our God saves. He ALONE can save. God loves me because He does. He loves US because He does. Believe it and live like it's true...because it is. Let that set you free.

"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death."
-Romans 8:1-2-

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Our God is a God who Saves

I am so excited about Jesus right now.

Jesus said, "Follow me." THAT is the challenge of all challenges. It's almost a dare. I have spent the last few months not understanding why following Jesus was so hard. I mean...I have always known that it wasn't easy, but for some reason it was so hard to even get the motivation to want to follow Him and seek God. But tonight I sat with some amazing people who spoke so much truth into my heart. They reminded me...NO...the Spirit reminded me that if I want God, I have to remember who I am as a sinner and who God is as God. The gap between us and God is so huge and undeniably large that we truly TRULY cannot comprehend it. And once we grasp even just a little bit how wide that gap is...it is then that we can truly desire and seek God because He is God and not just so we can feel better about ourselves. It is when we understand that gap that we remember the task we have been given.

But it is that very task that overwhelms me right now. The church as been given the task to be Christ's ambassadors in a fallen world. I have failed the church and thus failed to focus on my task on a daily basis. I'm not getting legalistic or doubting the extent of God's love for me or the fact that it's by grace, through faith that I have been saved. I'm not saying we have failed to complete the task because our task still lies fresh ahead of us. I am saying that we have forgotten our task and how GREAT it is. The harvest...the PLENTIFUL harvest is all around us and we often choose to spend hours upon hours of our day [insert somewhat useless activity here] instead of acknowledging God or the task He has given me. Again...I'm not getting legalistic. I once heard a pastor say something like "...you don't have to be a radical missionary who drops everything and goes across the world...just make your life make sense with what you believe in the Bible."

The Gospel is a 2000 year old story that still transforms the hearts and minds of man. It's as powerful today as it was when Jesus ascended into heaven after his bodily resurrection and the disciples realized their task to proclaim the good news to all as Jesus commanded. God is still who He was when he created the earth and all in it. Unfortunately, overtime, we (the Church) has forgotten those things and forgotten the Gospel's power. We've forgotten who it is about. I am amongst that population. The result of our forgetfulness is an undefined and separated body. I'm not talking about denominations. I'm talking about the Church as a whole. TRUE worshippers and disciples of Christ. Denominations do not and CANNOT define who we are as Christians. Jesus defines who we are. Christian culture does not define who we are. JESUS does. And who are we? We are AMBASSADORS of the Gospel. We are the light of the world. We represent who God is and what He has done and will keep doing. As the church, we hold an unstoppable and unbreakable bond that can deter and defeat all pain, conflict, separation and enemies...especially the enemy. Our bond defeats everything that stands in the way of our purpose because God holds it together. Yahweh, LORD, Creator and Maker of all...He holds it together. Despite what the world says, I believe I am/we are a part of a generation that stands up for others and not just ourselves. Yes, we are all self-indulgent, prideful and live somewhat "safe" lives. But I have hope for our generation. In August, Campus Crusade sent 400 young adults to the world to be missionaries. Can you imagine what the numbers are when you add all the other people who are choosing to follow Jesus into the mission field? Every year, these numbers rise. I have no numbers and no real reasons except for why more laborers are being sent other than the fact that Christ is real. God is real. The Gospel is real. Being a disciple is real.

Because the faithful servants who have gone before us have prayed for us to rise up...we became disciples. Those faithful servants went to the nations, into their workplaces, educational institutions and streets and proclaimed the Gospel. We are not a new church...we are not a 'modernized' church...we are the same church that the book of Acts is about. But because we separate ourselves and set them on a pedestal, we don't realize that we are ONE. One mind. One body. One church. No walls. Ephesians 4:3-7 says

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope

when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism;

One God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.

This is why it says: "When he ascended on high,

he led captives in his train and gave gifts to men"

Hebrews 12:1-3 says

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles,

and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith,

who for the JOY SET BEFORE HIM endured the cross,

scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men,

so that you will not grow weary and lose heart"

Remember Jesus so you don't grow weary and lose heart. Remember our God. Abiding in Christ means you take hold of every one of Jesus' words every second of every moment of every day and don't let go. It means you count all you have as loss compared to the joy of knowing Christ. It means you run in a way to win the prize. The prize is Jesus. Don't become numb to the truth that God gave His Son for YOU. In your deepest moment of shame, Jesus died for you (Romans 5:8). The Gospel isn't just something we preach because we're Christians. We preach it because it gives true and real life. Walk in this truth every day.

REMEMBER our task to Love God and then love people.

REMEMBER that He has saved His people.

...most of all...

REMEMBER who God is.

REMEMBER that He gave His Son.

I'm ready to run. Please run with me! I challenge you reading this right now to RUN. FIGHT. GO. SEND. PRAY. ABIDE. LOVE. SEEK and SAVE the LOST.

I see revival. And souls are searching. Big things are happening and we have the chance to be a part of it. The time is now.

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Better is One Day...even better than East Asia

I have spent so much time trying to figure out why there were so many open doors and where God wanted me to be that I didn't stop to actually think. About a week ago, I determined that if money weren't a factor in what I wanted to do in the near future, I'd want to be in East Asia laboring for the Gospel. I have seen and it is my duty (NOT obligation), my privilege to be someone who can GO and be Jesus. And I know I have said this so many times recently, but I believe that God is building me up, breaking me down, molding me and filling me up to prepare me for ministry in East Asia. I can't say when...but I believe it is going to happen. I truly, with everything I am, wholeheartedly believe that my passion and righteous indignation for this country is from God. I wish I could say that I KNOW it's from Him, but I can't. A friend of mine who shares a similar love/passion for East Asia told me that trying to grasp not living in East Asia ever again is like trying to grasp infinity. This is how I feel. The thought of never going back literally pains me. It angers me, makes me want to cry and question God...but today I read Psalm 27.

"One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple..."

--Psalm 27:4-5--

I tried to grasp what it would mean if the ONE thing I sought after was to dwell with the Lord; to see His beauty and gaze on it. I would imagine that "gaze" means being completely fixated on something and just wanting to look at it forever. As simple as it may seem, this changed the way I thought about East Asia and how I pursue it so relentlessly. I was reminded of a worship song that is very dear to my heart: Better is One Day. And the ever so famous line "Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere" rained down on me so much truth. One day with God, with Jesus is better than a thousand days anywhere with anyone, even East Asia. As I sat in a coffee shop and broke down, I had peace for the first time in my life about the possibility of never going back. It still burns and it hurts, but I know that my God is enough. If He is God and if He is who He says He is, then He is enough. And I honestly don't know if I've ever been able to say that and completely believe it.

Better is one day with God than being in East Asia. Better is one day with God than having money, close friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, a full-time job, a spouse or significant other, [fill in with what you often consider better than God]. While I think I will be in East Asia again someday...and even soon, I don't know what's going to happen for sure. I've taken steps towards going back but it is now completely in God's hands. David's words are the prayer of my heart:

"I will remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD"

--Psalm 27:13-14

I believe this. I will wait and trust that God is God. I am confident that even if I don't ever go back to East Asia, I will see the goodness of the Lord. I am going to wait on Him because gazing on His beauty and seeking His face is better than anything that the human mind can comprehend; better than anything the depths of the heart and soul can feel. Even if I never go back, God is still God and He has still saved me and still loves me. God IS enough.

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Shout-Out to the Badger Cru Band

Note: This is for both the 2010-2011 band and the Current Band. So everyone read please!

For the last month and a half, I've been trying with all that I am to "let go" of or "move on" from Madison. It hasn't been working. I've had this preconceived notion that "letting go" and "moving on" means never looking back or never missing anyone/anything. I've fallen to the lie that if I have any sort of inkling to wanting to be a part of Cru in any capacity, or help the current worship team leaders or desire to be with my close friends instead of make new ones, I won't be able to move on or let go. But today, just a few moments ago, I "let go" because I realized something. I'll get to it in just a second.

I am missing the worship team like crazy. I miss leading the worship team and just the random joys, frustrations and growth I experienced through it. All these random moments of the last year from monday and thursday nights have come flooding back to me. Maybe it's just because I'm in Madison or because I'm hearing some really amazing stories about the fruit of your musical ministry this year.

Since leaving Madison though, I've had this fear that I was going to be forgotten; that my words, my leadership and shepherding failed you or led you the wrong way; that I didn't leave a legacy with Student Impact (now Badger Cru). This is what I realized today. It is my fear of having not left a legacy that hasn't allowed me to move on or whatever you wanna call it. Ultimately, that is my pride and selfishness. But in the last month, a couple of you in the band have made it known that the impact and influence was mutual....that I taught you something or influenced you. This is not to boast or glorify myself. This is to acknowledge a group of men and women who have left a legacy in my life even if I haven't left on in theirs.

To the current worship team: Your band leaders love you and follow Jesus. Trust them. Trust that they are praying and asking God for guidance as they lead you guys and the movement as well. It's not about you guys anyway, right? It's never going to be about you, your leaders, staff, primetime or your instruments. It's about Jesus. Check your hearts. Check your intentions. I have heard some incredible things about you. Even without being there, I have heard people talk you guys up like no other. Be proud! But not too proud :P Be encouraged that the time, effort and dedication you put into the band has an eternal impact. You guys are a part of a unique part of the church that only a select few get to be a part of...so consider it a privilege. And HAVE FUN! Seriously...grab dinner together. Study together. Talk about Jesus. Share your burdens, struggles, and be vulnerable. Go to greenbush together. But most of all...LOVE God and love each other. Jesus commands it!

“A new command I give you: Love one another.

As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples,

if you love one another.” - John 13:34-35

To the 2010-2011 worship team: I love you guys SO much. I know that I said that to you countless times. But you honestly don't know how much knowing you and being a part of such a unique ministry together has changed me, molded me and filled me up. I was a sinful, imperfect leader with sinful imperfect co-leaders leading sinful and imperfect musicians. But together, we served and still serve a perfect God. Thank you for being the people who helped me understand that I don't have to leave a legacy in everyone's lives...that I don't need to leave a legacy. Thank you for being my brothers and sisters. Forgive me for when I was annoying, emotional, difficult, childish, lacking leadership and a sound mind. Forgive me for the frustration I may or may not have caused you. Thank you for pointing me to Jesus time and time again and reminding me that I serve God and not myself. Thank you for making me laugh until I cried. Thank you for our jam sessions and random guitar center runs. Thank you for using your gifts and passions for our God. I love you. I love you. I love you!!!

To all of you: We're Christ followers who happen to be musicians. NOT musicians who happen to follow Christ. There's a difference. Please don't ever forget that it's Jesus who gave us our passion for music, our love for singing, playing an instrument, etc. Please don't let your pride get in the way because it will effect your entire ministry/band/movement. It's Jesus who brought us/you guys together through what can be/is very spiritually, emotionally and even physically draining.

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.

LET NOTHING MOVE YOU.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,

because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

-1 Corinthians 15:58

It's Jesus that continues to do exactly what I thought was "gone" because I was no longer a part of it. Jesus will continue this kind of work in His people through musical worship until He returns. The song "Garden" by Needtobreathe was my anthem last school year. These are the lyrics from the chorus:

"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you.

Let the words I say profess my love

Let the notes I choose be Your favorite tune.

Father, let my heart be after You"

I'm praying that this would be the prayer of your hearts :)

Triple Shout-out to being friends forever and being on a worship team together forever. Literally. Heaven!

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The Real World. The Abundant Life.

I often ask recent college graduates how "the real world" is. Real, meaning you're married, have a full time or salaried job or are job searching. In the last year, I have learned a lot about what it means to live the abundant life. But. I have a Bachelor's degree from UW-Madison and I am living in my parents' house working a minimum wage job at a coffee shop busing tables and making sandwiches. Not exactly the abundant life, is it? At least according to world standards. Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. I don't have to pay for rent or food and get to hang out with my niece and nephews and see my family more. I'm simply saying that the "real world" and the "abundant life" has been skewed because of this world. Am I making sense? As Christians, we encourage each other to not conform to the pattern of this world and follow Jesus instead (Hebrews 12:1-2). That is the real world. The real world tells me that it's okay to put myself first and ultimately be selfish. The real world tells me that I need money and a full time job. The real world tells me that college graduation is what constitutes me being in the real world. The real world tells me that the abundant life means having a full time profession, whether in ministry or in the workplace. The real world has submerged me into its flood where I am left drowning in the lie that money, a relationship and having a perfect body is when I will be living the abundant life. I have even fallen under the lie that the abundant life Jesus came for us to live means being a full time missionary or being in full time ministry at a full-time job.

The truth is, we have all been living in the real world since the beginning of time. A real enemy rules the real world. But a real God--the God created this world to be good. God is all good so everything He created was meant to be good. But because we are humans, we have turned good things and beautiful things into complicated, ugly and unsatisfactory things. You should probably take this all with a grain of salt because I can't quite figure out if this is the frustrated tedious-job-searcher-minimum-wage-earner speaking or the real me. The real me being what the Apostle Paul talks about in the book of Ephesians ("they" are the Gentiles):

They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed. That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
--Ephesians 4:18-24--

The Israelites, God's chosen people, considered the Gentiles outcasts; people who were not to be affiliated with in any way. And in their pride, they focused on their title as God's chosen rather than what it really meant to be God's chosen people. They turned a good thing into a bad thing.

Pause: I know the word "bad" sounds elementary. But we are elementary as people because let's face it...we suck. I know I'm kind of all over the place...but this is me externally processing. So help me, please! Offer thoughts, questions, comments and concerns if you so desire. Okay...Back to reality (no pun intended).

The Israelites wandered in the desert for years and years. So you don't have to ask why they were scared and frustrated when they looked at their current circumstances and felt hopeless. We do the same thing. For example...for the last month, I have looked at my life and said "I'm not in a bible study and don't have any face-to-face community, I am so aware of this sin and my humanness and [insert complaint here] " I have asked myself "When, Lord? When will I be freed of this or have that?" Jesus did not come so we could complain about being human. We were not created to complain and throw ourselves a pity party when our friends are "living it up" as full time missionaries and we are stuck in a place where we don't want to be. He came so we could LIVE and be our new selves: "created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:24). THAT IS WHO WE TRULY ARE?! The cool thing is...following Jesus isn't about obtaining our new self...it's about receiving it. I love that. It's not about working to be good. It's about excepting that you are or can be new because God extends abundant grace.

So I don't want to live in the real world. I desire to flee from it. I'm going to pray for the ability to gaze at Jesus and see my savior and let that be enough because following Him is the abundant life. Being loved by Him is the abundant life. In John 10:10, Jesus said 'The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly." I always thought that doing ministry, being a full-time student, having quiet times everyday and going on missions trips is what constituted the abundant life of a Christ-follower. And while God chooses to teach us, reveal himself to us, glorify himself and bless us through those things, all of those things can be turned into selfish things. When we are able to use those things to glorify God, he looks at us and smiles. We are meant to gaze on the creator of the universe and dwell on sovereignty, holiness and authority. When we do that, our expectations change. Our expectation becomes experiencing conviction, humility and joy through failures and pain instead of getting rid of the pain. Our expectation becomes knowing God loves us despite our daily sin instead of working to try and earn God's love.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy,
to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—
this is your spiritual act of worship.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—
his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2

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A Paradoxical God and East Asia

It's kind of funny how blogging eliminates all concept of time. I started writing this blog 3 weeks ago, but you'll read it in a matter of minutes. There are thoughts you'll read about that I had weeks part, but you'll read as a consecutive thought in one sentence. This intro was written last, but you'll read it first. This also has nothing to do with the rest of the blog. Sorry! Anyway....

I am pretty famous for not being able to commit to the decisions I make because I try so hard to make sure it's the "right" decision. For me, East Asia always plays into this decision-making process because it always comes back down to if/when I'll ever be back. If you've known me for 10 minutes, you've heard me talk about East Asia. For the last 3 years, I have watched my friends be sent to this nation and watched them bring the Gospel to a harvest so beautiful; so desperate; so devastating and so oblivious to their pain and suffering. I have watched people go and come back and tell me incredible stories about how hearts of these people are changing, and people are responding to Jesus. I've heard stories about discouraging conversations from hopeful servants. I am constantly reminded that this nation is being reached. But I am also reminded that I still haven't been back and ask the Lord time and time again why. I don't know why. I have my inklings, but I don't know for sure.

My heart beats for a country that I spent a week in almost three years ago. I don't get it. I just don't get it. How in the world can 7 days in a foreign country change the course of my life? When I think about it, I really only spent 6 days there because of the long flights. Along with that, it wasn't until mid way through the week that I realized the whole point of me being there. I had shallow reasons for deciding to go but came back with a transformed heart. It was almost a reluctant transformed heart. The moment I realized that the Lord bound my heart with to this nation, I said (out loud in somewhat of a shout standing in the middle of a street alley with people around me) "NO. No freaking way. Not here." But at the end of the week when I sat on the bus to go back to the airport, my friend Shanti asked me how I felt about leaving. I didn't want to leave. This was both unexpected and terrifying. (funny story: I asked Shanti the same thing and she said something about knowing she wasn't supposed to come back. She did a year-long STINT there two years later!)

In November, I will be going back for one week (Lord willing!). The country I remember is not the country it is today so I am returning with hopes of gaining a refreshed and renewed vision. I believe that doing overseas missions is a specific part of the Lord’s calling or purpose for my life to live that abundant life Jesus calls us to in John 10:10. But I have this [perhaps irrational] fear that the Lord is bringing me back to let me say goodbye. That in itself is a whole new conversation. But when I stop to think about all of this...it's not about me. I don't have to be sent. God doesn't need me to go to East Asia. In the end, it's always about Him. Even if I am going in November to "say goodbye," it's never going to be about me because God will not abandon this nation. If I stop to think about how much my heart beats for East Asia...how much more does God's heart beat for it?

There are days where I wish I had never gone. I feel like without that week there, my life would be much simpler. I would be able to make decisions about my future without wondering if East Asia is in the picture or not. There are days where the pain is unbearable. Like right now. Like many days throughout the last 3 years. There are also days where I think I'm crazy about it completely and it's all in my head; that I'm just so programmed to want to go that I'm just saying these things. For so long, I just wanted the beating to stop (metaphorically!) so I can get on with my life. The organ in my chest that gives me life continues to beat like it always does. But my heart...my heart...beats wildly and uncontrollably for this nation. Up until recently, I would always say that it was East Asia that made my heart beat, but it's God who makes it beat. He makes it beat through so many things. But God chooses to use East Asia in my life to remind me of the Gospel. East Asia reminds me that Jesus "for the joy set before him" died in order to give us life. Paradox. It reminds me that it is the blood of the Savior that makes me clean. Paradox. It is this beating heart that reminds me that I must die to myself in order to live the abundant life Jesus came for us to live (John 10:10). Paradox. Only God can make such nonsense things make sense. I've come to understand that the Gospel is not a way to avoid death, but a way to choose life. It's the only way to choose life. I have the way to life and my heart beats because I have life. I want to continue to give it life rather than deprive it of what makes it beat: Jesus. God over all the universe, whose heart beats wildly for this nation also beats wildly for me. Sometimes, we forget that this is truly enough. God is it. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He has always been and always will be.

"...all things have been created through him and for him.
He is before all things, and in him...

ALL THINGS HOLD TOGETHER" (Colossians 1:16-17)

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The Greatest Act of In[justice]

On my best day, I can understand that there has to be a balance of confidence in the Gospel and humiliation of the flesh and body through the power of the Holy Spirit. But, even on my best day, I am still a sinner. I am still imperfect and self-seeking. And when I realize this, I am one of two things: I, through the Spirit, am completely humbled before the throne of grace and can try my best to look to Jesus for truth and grace, or I'm full of shame to the point of not being able to "face" God nor wanting to. And while I think it's necessary to feel a sense of shame and guilt because of our sin, it becomes spiritual warfare when we dwell on the guilt and shame. We are called to confess and ask for forgiveness for our sins, but we are not called to poison our minds with the Enemy's lies (I know you're thinking "well duh!"). In John 15:9-11, Jesus says:

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.
Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands,
you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands
and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you
and that your joy may be complete."

So let me ask you this: When we are burdened by bondage, guilt and shame and CHOOSE to abide in THOSE things...what will happen to you do in keeping God's commands? When I say "you," I mean you individually. We all have different areas of habitual sin (whether it's legalism, pride, pornography, judging others, apathy towards evangelism, etc) so we are attacked in very different ways, hear different lies and will feel shame in very different ways. Pastor Andy Stanley believes that we must "saturate our hearts, minds, and souls with God's truth from His word and look for specific truths that counter our lies." So BE in the word. Because the word is truth, and truth sets you free. Jesus sets you free. We were NOT called to sit in our prison cells and dwell on our sin. Almost four years ago, I choose to follow Jesus. When I made that decision, the chains that kept me in my prison were broken off, the prison cell door opened and the prison itself unlocked, allowing me to simply walk out. But up until recently, I didn't know that in certain ways, I was keeping myself in that cell. But all I have to do now is WALK OUT. Because of Jesus, I can confidently say "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (1 Corinthians 15:55).

As Christ followers, when we feel an overwhelming sense of shame or guilt and throw ourselves a pity party, we are limiting God's ability to freely give grace. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that when we are full of shame, God isn't able to give grace. I simply mean that in our own minds, we are keeping ourselves from being able to grasp how abundant grace is. By limiting God's grace, we give it an artificial scarcity in a world that so desperately needs it. More importantly, and most unfortunately, we cloud the vision of those who are already blind to the most ridiculously beautiful story in the history of this world.

This is the power of the Gospel: that God knew our disgusting and repulsive nature and rebellion but so desperately wanted to reconcile us to Himself so we could know Him. In order to do so, God the Father had to allow what was the greatest act of injustice to occur: sending His perfect son, Jesus Christ to die on a tree and endure the pain of our sin. It is because of this that we could in turn search for Him and sacrifice ourselves before Him in order to truly live and proclaim the good news to a group of people...MANKIND.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
for the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death.
For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature,
God did by sending His own son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.
And so God condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law
might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature,
but according to the Spirit." --Romans 8:1-4

There's a song by Matt Maher called "Christ is risen" with some of the most powerful lyrics I've ever come across (I could write a whole other blog about this song!):

"In strength You reign, forever let your church proclaim:
'Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death.
Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave.
Christ is risen from the dead, we are one with Him again.
Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave' "

In his letter to the Ephesians, the apostle Paul (our brother in Christ!) proclaims the Gospel with confidence:

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" --Ephesians 2:5-10

AMEN. We are RISEN with Christ. The lyrics of Matt Maher's song tug at my heartstrings and remind me that those are the words that God want me to hear. He is asking me to get up out of my apathy, shame and guilt and to keep fighting the good fight and run this race for Him. in all honestly, I feel like this is God's way of telling me "Jenny...why are you still in that grave? Just get up." Imagine yourself physically rising with Christ after being dead in your transgressions. When Jesus rose on the 3rd day, our prison cells opened and we were given the ability to walk out into glorious freedom. All at once...I am both captured and set free by the love of Christ. Jesus dying a bloody and painful death on a cross is what makes me clean and white as snow. Only God can make things so contradictory to this world the most beautiful thing in the entire existence of mankind. This is who our God is. Beautiful. Real.

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Courage. No turning back.

In the last month, I have sat through almost 30 hours worth of lectures, watched at least 25 movies (17 of which happened in class), taken 12 quizzes, 3 essay exams. I have played WAY too much guitar and lost my voice too many times to count due to hours upon hours of singing. I have laughed, cried, rejoiced and mourned. I have applied for at least 20-30 jobs (I lost count) and had no luck (yet!). I got turned down from not one but two internships with ministries. I have questioned God's goodness. A lot. I have had many "A-ha!" moments with God and then fallen into sin right after it. In other words, it's been the hardest, most challenging and confusing summer I've ever had. Because the events of the summer so far, a part of me feels like the next year of my life is going to be one that stretches me beyond what I could ever imagine.

I just finished reading a book called "A Million Ways to Die." The author Rick James talks about how we must die to ourselves in order to truly live. This means dying little deaths every day, multiple times a day. Maybe it's doing the dishes for someone else; admitting that you're wrong; not arguing, even if you're right; and anything that would require you to be humbled, humiliated or exposed as lesser than someone else. Phlippians 1:21 says "For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain." It shouldn't have taken reading a verse for the thousandth time (probably literally) to realize that dying to myself helps Jesus live through me.

On the day I graduated, my grandma was admitted to the hospital. 10 days later on a Wednesday, she passed away. Even though I know now that she is with Jesus, I had no idea where she was at first. I don't think it was a coincidence that I was reading a book about death (as morbid as it sounds) while I walked through the pain of her death. The book talks about death from every biblical perspective you can think of. Literal death. Spiritual death. Death to self. Martyrdom. But the thing I remember the most from this book was Rick James' chapters on courage. Courage, according to Rick James, isn't just sucking it up, but looking fear, danger, pain and confusion in the face and not run away, but walk towards it and eventually, into it. I got the phone call on Monday that my grandma had less than 48 hours to live. I never lost hope that she'd recover and heal, but I also never expected her to heal. Thus, I needed courage to face the inevitable. I knew that it would be painful. I quickly realized I could do nothing but pray. This was one of the most intense times of prayer I had ever had in my life. Ask me about it sometime.

In Isaiah 47:8-11, Yahweh calls out the Babylonians and charges them with these words:

“Now then, listen, you lover of pleasure, lounging in your security and saying to yourself, ‘I am, and there is none besides me. I will never be a widow or suffer the loss of children.’ Both of these will overtake you in a moment, on a single day: loss of children and widowhood. They will come upon you in full measure, in spite of your many sorceries and all your potent spells. 10 You have trusted in your wickedness and have said, ‘No one sees me.’ Your wisdom and knowledge mislead you when you say to yourself, ‘I am, and there is none besides me.’11 Disaster will come upon you, and you will not know how to conjure it away. A calamity will fall upon you that you cannot ward off with a ransom; a catastrophe you cannot foresee will suddenly come upon you."

"I am and there is none besides me." They were trying to play God in their own lives. God was asking Babylon to die to themselves; to give up their overindulgence in exchange for an abundant life with Him. Long story short, Babylon experienced a lot of pain and struggle because they did not follow God or give up their self-seeking lives. They essentially said "oh...that'll never happen to me' (v. 8). But Jesus said "I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly" (John 10:10). Sometimes, the lives we live don't seem very abundant because of pain, confusion and loss. Babylon had "it all" (whatever that means). They were rich and were envied. And when God asked them to give something up for His glory, they said no and God did what he had to to bring them back. And I can only imagine that it, to be blunt, sucked. God is asking me to walk away from the friends, ministry, passions and that He has placed in my life order to follow Him. In ignoring that, the Lord has brought a lot of conviction, tears and pain to turn me back to Him. I don't like it. Sometimes I think I hate it. But I know that it's good. These are words that keep coming back to my head.

I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back
The cross before me, the world behind me.
No turning back

And as I hear these words, I hear Jesus telling me not to worry and to have courage. I don't know where the Lord is going to take me. I'm going to finish out the summer in Madison, and then go back home where I am certain of nothing but confusion (at least for now), pain and frustration. I'll confess that I am terrified and of what is coming. But for the joy set before Him, Jesus died for me. I need courage to choose to believe that every day. I need courage to watch my best friends go do international missions work in a place that my heart feels eternally attached to. I need courage to follow Jesus. I desire the abundant life Jesus offers me. So if going home in the fall is where I'll experience it, I will follow my God there. Rick James mentions that it is courage, not merely faith that Jesus had in order to have that joy before Him. I've never really thought about courage in that way before, but now that I think about it...faith and courage go hand-in-hand. I feel like faith is something you should have in times of uncertainty or doubt. But courage is needed when you're stepping into something that you can already see. Maybe I'm wrong. And if I am, God will again, convict me. But if the Christ-following life is about waking up every morning and hoping that you'll be "right" then we've missed the point. God is calling us to die in order to live and have abundant life. Why do we fail when we try doing things on our own strength? Because we do it as Babylon did it "I am and there is none besides me." Not only is that pride...but that is selfishness. All too often we make failed attempts to control our own lives but don't realize that when we do, we are playing God in our own lives and not letting God be God. Who are we to play judge? God humbled himself and became man. I feel like that'd be like a human becoming a nat or a vile insect who lives for like an hour. Seriously? This is the God that we serve?! What a privilege. We are not God. We are not perfect. We are selfish, disobedient and sinful people who Jesus died for. So with as much joy as we can have set before us...we must go to the cross and die to ourselves, believing that the outcome of a little death results in a kind of resurrection and redemption that mimics Jesus' death just a little.

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs--
heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ
if indeed we share in his sufferings in order
that we may also share in his glory."
--Romans 8:17--

RUN to the cross. No turning back. This is the life that God has called us to live.

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Caught in Grace

I feel caught between two worlds. I am so easily consumed by the ways of this world. Whether it's overindulgence or vain conceit, my flesh desires to be a part of this world. I get caught up in "pretty" things and get caught up in trying to look a certain way. Media tells me that men desire a particular kind of woman. Media tells me that I should want to out-do other women in what I look like, how I talk, what job I have, who my friends are, etc. Media, especially America tells me that I should put myself first and be a person who should flourish in everything regardless of who it brings down. Sometimes, I want to be that person and I forget that I am not of this world, but I am a citizen of heaven.

I feel like I'm on a long road trip with Jesus. I'm the driver and He's the navigator. And every time I want to be a part of this world, I stop the car, ask him to get out and leave him on the side of the road. I drive off but realize (after I've gone too far) that I need Him because He's the one guiding the trip. Then I have to turn the car around after I have gone miles and miles in the wrong direction. That leaves me on my own, trying to retrace where I turned and which exits I took in order to go back and pick Jesus up.

But all too often, I forget a verse in which I must remind myself of everyday. Multiple times a day. In Matthew 28, Jesus says "And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age." I think I can get rid of Jesus when I want to. But I can't. He's there when I don't want Him to be. That is both a comfort and an incredibly terrifying thought. Jesus always being with me reminds me that He loves me when I don't love Him. But it also reminds me that when I sin...He's there. He sits next to me when I deny Him and sugarcoat the Gospel because I'm afraid. He sits next to me when I lie. He's watching and listening when I choose to sin. He cries when I choose to sin even when I clearly hear the Holy Spirit telling me to choose God. Why am I afraid to talk about the One who breathed me into life and controls my every breath? He holds me when no one's embrace suffices. He helps me up when I'm exhausted. He loves me. He's in love with me. He wants to know me. I spend so much time trying to say or do the right things to catch the attention of mankind that I forget that the perfect man, Jesus, wants to be with me. I am in a relationship with Him. And even when I hurt Him by choosing emptiness before His abundant love, He does everything in His power to tell me that He still loves me.

I know I'm going to fail. I have already failed today more times than I can count. But I serve a God who does not fail. I serve a God who doesn't know how to fail. Isaiah 30 talks about a nation that carries out their own plans without consulting God; a nation that has rejected God and relied on themselves and on deceit; a nation that refuses to change even when they know they are this way. I think most of me feels this way right now. I say "most of me" because I don't really know why I keep going back and forth between feeling absolutely giddy because of God's love for me and feeling apathetic and numb to who God is and what Jesus has done for me.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you: he rises to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all those who wait for him! O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you....Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying 'This is the way, walk in it'" --Isaiah 30:18-19, 21)

This passage reminds me that God guides me and shows me where to walk; He shows me that even when I reject Him, he longs to give me grace. It seems that regardless of how I feel about God, he will always feel the same way about me. A few weeks ago, I gave a talk at Primetime (the weekly meeting of Student Impact) and talked about the movie 127 hours, which is a movie about a guy whose arm gets stuck between a wall and a boulder. The only way for him to get out and be free is to cut off his own arm. I used it as an illustration of the ways that God often puts us through hard and painful things in order to heal us and free us. That is what I am experiencing right now. I am walking through a fire right now and it's painful. But it hurts in the most beautiful way. God is burning away the impurities of my heart, soul and mind. He is refining my faith and reminding me that even when I fall and choose to sin. God continues to give me grace when I sin and ask for forgiveness. But he gives me grace when I need strength to have a hard conversation and when I need a reminder that I can get through the pain that I feel. It is my task, because of his grace, to CHOOSE to love him and turn away from what this world tells me to do, say, look like, etc.

I don't know about you, but that is a kind of grace and love that moves my heart into disarray (in the best way). I feel caught in God's grace. I feel like I was walking down the street and all of a sudden it just hit me and now I can't get out of it. I've said this before, but everything about God is contradictory to this world. I am both captured and set free by God's grace. Jesus' blood has washed me clean. I am alive because of death. I need to die to myself in order to live. I don't get it. And that's the beauty of grace. Grace is incomprehensible. And it's something that God freely extends because he loves me.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came through Christ Jesus." --Romans 3:23-24

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I am a house

I always ask myself these questions: Is God doing anything in my life? Where is He?

This is my perpetual disposition: When I am doing "good," I don't think about how incredibly close He is to me. But when I need help, when I am weak and broken, I ask God where He is and forget that Jesus says He is with me always, to the very end of the age.

Our lives are houses meant to be constructed and built for Jesus to live in. My house is God's dwelling place. In October of 2007, I laid the foundation of my house. I dug as deep as I could comprehend and began to build the walls of the house. We all did this at some point. For some of you it's been 20 years, and for others it's only been a week. Regardless of when we laid the foundation, we have had a similar journey. You put a roof on. You outlined the rooms and chose furniture and wallpaper. You chose a color scheme for the living room and bought dishes for the kitchen. You plugged in the fridge and went grocery shopping for the first time. You've continued to add things to the house and make it comfortable. But over the years, you've forgotten that it is not your house. You've forgotten that someone else also resides there...God. Because you've forgotten, you've gotten lazy with doing dishes. You've thrown parties and gotten drunk (maybe figuratively or literally) in the house. You have broken dishes. You've left them on the kitchen counter and you can't bring yourself to throw them away because of how much money you spent on them. The wallpaper is deteriorating. There are wet towels on the bathroom floor.

You know all of this, but are too scared of the sacrifices you might have to make in order to rebuild. You have to give up time with friends and family. You have to spend money. You have to actually put work into it (surprise!). You know this, but chose not to or maybe refuse to tear down. So you start to tidy up the outside because it'll seem like you're cleaning up. You mow the lawn and paint the fence. You keep a nice garden in the back yard. You trim the bushes and invite people over for a grill out in the back yard.

I've come to understand that perhaps sometimes, God lets the wallpaper fall apart and lets us break dishes to help us realize that He holds it together. Sometimes he slowly tears it down, wall by wall and room by room. But more often than not, God Himself sits in a bulldozer and takes a wrecking ball to the very core of the house without warning. It's painful and it hurts. When He's done, all you can do is stand in the road and look at it in tears because God just tore down what you built. You ask, WHY? Without even picking up a hammer or nail to begin rebuilding, you are tired at the thought of trying to rebuild what you JUST built. Perhaps God "breaks" us and chisels away at us so that we understand that when our life feels like it is in a million pieces, He is near us. He is always near us. In fact, he holds us. We have to understand that He holds every single one of those pieces. "He is before all things and in Him all things hold together." --Colossians 1:17.

Remember this: God doesn't want you to make this house neat and tidy just so He alone can dwell in it...but He wants you to do so because you were made to dwell with Him. He is only asking you to do your part as a roommate. He has given you a command to take up your cross and follow Him. He has command you go among the nations and make disciples. And in return, He is asking you to see the bittersweet joy of rebuilding and most of all...to see that if you truly wanted to dwell with Him, you'd tear down over and over with joy. It's exhausting and looks hard, but in the end, you have a brand new house. He is the master contractor and will help you see how deep you have to dig. He will provide all the furniture and food that you lack. The reality and perhaps the hardest part of rebuilding and tearing down is that it will happen time and time again. Until God takes us to be with Him, we will continue to tear down and rebuild. But we were not made to dwell on this earth. We are only temporarily renting the houses. When we are with Him, we will be in a place that God made for us to dwell in. We will be home. Until then, we must persevere and choose to follow Him everyday. We must get rid of our pride and selfishness. Know that one day, you will dwell in the house of the Lord and will be able to rest. Romans 8:18-27 (Paul) couldn't have said it better.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God"

So now ask yourself these questions: Is God doing anything in my life? Where is He?

Don't believe the lie that God went somewhere. Don't believe the lie that God doesn't understand the pain you're suffering. He had to watch His son die on the cross. When Jesus asked His Father if there was any other way, He had to listen to Him say "No Son...there isn't." The Father had to tell the Son that there wasn't any other way. If you truly have no answer to the question to what God is doing in your life...then look to Jesus. Look to the Gospel and see that God has freed you. How is that NOT an answer to whether or not God is doing something in your life?

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" --Galatians 2:20.

And if Christ lives in us, the power that raised Him from the dead also lives in us. Try to wrap your mind, heart, soul and your everything around what that means...how much power is that? It is certainly enough power to stand firm as God takes a wrecking ball to your house. And it is certainly enough power to see and know that God is doing something in your life. So let go of whatever you're holding onto in your house and let Him chisel.

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face-to-face

I came face to face with myself last night. I didn't like what I saw. I saw my old self and tried to hide. I sat at my kitchen table at 3am trying to study for an exam. With no gratitude whatsoever for this education I argued with myself about the purpose of this exam. The "righteous" part of me said "God wants you to do this." But my old self said "this is for yourself." And the new me believed it. I had no gratitude for the education. I had no gratitude for the opportunity to learn. No gratitude or even recognition of the God given gift it is to be able to think and comprehend anything. No gratitude for the breath that God himself breathes in me to live. No gratitude for my God who holds my life together. And in a gollum/smeagol conversation, I was told that I am my own worst enemy. I let my old self win. Then I told myself..."No...you're dead. You're dead. You're not real. I am righteous. This is for Jesus. Not for you." And so a battle in the midst of war ensued. Within this battle I had victory but also defeat. I let the old self win by telling me lies and believing them. I sinned in thought and action. Oh, did I sin. I asked for forgiveness and went to bed. This morning, I woke up 10 minutes before my exam began and it wasn't until I walked to class that I realized the weight of this event that occurred only 5 hours earlier.

"We’re not only held captive by our sin, but also by the delusion of our righteousness. Resting in God’s grace isn’t just about confessing your sin; it’s about forsaking your righteousness as well" --Paul David Tripp

Last night I told myself "You're a sinner. You leave Jesus over and over. You forsake and abandon your first love. But you have grace because you're righteous." In the same way I tend to play my own judge and dwell on shame and guilt, I played my own judge and told myself that I was "good" because I chose to say yes to Jesus. I told myself that I have hope for heaven and being made perfect even though my iniquities on this earth would follow me forever. I acknowledged my sin. I acknowledged the apostles actions and desires to be holy. I told myself to follow their ways. I told myself to look to Paul the apostle as an example. Not once did I acknowledge Jesus. Talk about being held captive by righteousness.

About an hour ago, I finished my exam then ran into a good friend (which meant walking by each other as we said hi)...then we exchanged a few words through text message about needing to love Jesus through everything. I then thought about my face to face encounter the night before. I felt guilty. Then I remembered this bible verse:

"Who is a God like you,who pardons sin and forgives
the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.
You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins
underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea"
--Micah 7:18-19--

Take that Satan.
You lose.
You're defeated.
I stand in victory.
I am God's delight.
Jesus WINS.

Go face-to-face with Jesus, and you'll always win. Do not fight Him for he is your victor. Do not hesitate to fight, for the enemy is swift with his arrows. KNOW and BELIEVE that the old is gone. The new is here. Command the old self to leave. Abandon sin and abandon your fleshly tendency to erase sin with the simple words of "I'm forgiven." You're not just forgiven. You're hidden with Christ. It is in Jesus Christ that you are righteous.

Jesus. Mercy. Grace. Heart. Good. LOVE. Great. Faithful. Victory. REAL. Yeshua. Life. Abundance. GOD. Sunshine. Blue Skies. Captive Freer. Liberation. A perfect harmony. Faith. Patience. Light. Nice. Compassionate. LOVE. Music. Perfect. LOVE. Neverending. Here. Prince of Peace. LOVE. Forever. Freedom. Always. LOVE. Holy. Still. LORD. Risen. Just. Kind.
Did I mention LOVE?

JESUS...my King, You are these things.

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Love won't forsake you

This past November, our ministry sent a team of 14 to East Asia on a week-long missions trip. The day before they left, I realized that it had been two years since I was sent there. A few days ago, my friend Cole asked me the question: "how much do you remember about that week?" I paused and thought for a second and realized that I remembered so many things. I remember the smell of the rooms, how the sheets and mattresses felt. Standing in awe of God's creation as I stood on the Great Wall. Experiencing a prayer walk for the first time. Feeling comfortable sharing my faith for the first time. The food. The insane traffic and reckless cab drivers. As Cole asked me that question and I took a second to think, I realized that I remember almost everything. The more I think back to that week, the more I remember. But the more I remember, the more my heart hurts.

Today, it has been approximately two years and two months since I set foot on most devastatingly beautiful soil of the harvest I've ever seen. After the cross, East Asia was one of the first times I understood Agape. Sometimes I don't even want to think about it because of how much it hurts me and pains me. There are days where all I want to do is drop everything and go be with these people. I want to carry their burdens. I want their hearts to be able to experience true heartbreak the way that I am able to. I want them to feel. I want them to awaken from their slumber so they can taste and see that God is calling them. I want them to know that their hearts are failing.

If I’m being honest...sometimes, I don’t want to love East Asia. Sometimes I’d rather forget so I don’t have to deal with the reality of the place. But no matter what I do, it always comes back. I’m reminded of little things about it, and I can’t escape it.

Most people know that I am a musician. I play piano and guitar, and I sing. But the one thing I’ve always wished I could do was compose lyrically and musically. I have never been able to write a song on my own, whether it is just words or just music. I’ve gotten a tune or a verse here and there…but never anything complete. Most of the time, I try too hard to write or compose that I fail. But the one complete song that I have written is about East Asia. Why God would choose to have the first song I ever write be about this place is not a coincidence. The chorus of the song goes like this

I can’t escape you

So I won’t leave you

‘Cause your heart is failing

And your eyes are closing

And you don’t know

"you" is the country of East Asia. I have to sing/play it at least once a day in order to remember. In East Asia, the people in our generation tend to give themselves American names. While I was there, some of the others on our team met a guy named Allen Iverson. In the words of Marc Nettleton: “He wasn’t Allen. He wasn’t Iverson. He was Allen Iverson.” Others met Cheese, Blender, Link, and so many other ridiculous names. I met Feeling.

She was one of the happiest people I had ever met. She said school was hard and that her parents pressured her to be the best. But she also said that it was okay because it’d be worth it in the end if it meant being successful. For Feeling, she was okay with the pressure, it made her work hard. She believed that the pressure from her parents was a sign of love. She was thankful for her education and told me she was happy and content with life. And I believed her. And that was the worst part...she was truly content with her life even though she wasn't walking with Jesus. This is why we go. At the end of that conversation, I could barely look at her because I knew her joy was empty. She was living a life to please people and perform for others.

Tonight at primetime, Troy Maragos defined joy as a supernatural delight. On some level, Feeling had that. But again, it was empty. God graced me to help her understand that Jesus could fill that. To this day, I have no idea where she is or if she is walking with Jesus. But today, I remember her. God has reminded me to pray for her today.

I just finished reading a book called "Confessions" by Saint Augustine. In this memoir, he recalls all of his beliefs, unbelief, and doubts before believing in Jesus as the truth. In the first chapter, he tries answering the question: "Who then are you, my God?" This is what he comes up with.

"Most high, utterly good, utterly powerful, most omnipotent, most merciful and most just, deeply hidden yet most intimately present, perfection of both beauty and strength, stable and incomprehensible, immutable and yet changing all things, never new, never old, making everything new and 'leading' the proud 'to be old without their knowledge'; always active, always in repose, gathering to yourself but not in need, supporting and filling and protecting, creating and nurturing and bringing to maturity, searching even though to you nothing is lacking: you love without burning, you are jealous in a way that is free of anxiety, you 'repent' (Genesis 6:6) without the pain of regret, you are wrathful and remain tranquil. You will change without any change in your design. You recover what you find, yet have never lost. Never in any need, you rejoice in your gains; you are never avaricious, yet you require interest. We pay you more than you require so long as to make you our debtor, yet who has anything which does not belong to you? (1 Cor. 4:7). You pay off debts, though owing nothing to anyone; you cancel debts and incur no loss"

This is the same God who loves every person I hate. This is the same God who gives his creation a choice to turn to Him, knowing that many of them will turn away. He created us knowing that His heart would break in the process of trying to bring us back to Him. But now, we are coming back. His children are calling out to Him. When I read this, I know that this is the God I serve and attempt to love. I'm overwhelmed and humbled. I feel small yet utterly significant to God. I feel a rush of adrenaline right now as I understand that God looks at me and sees JESUS. His heart breaks when I turn from Him. His incomprehensible grace and mercy reign over my mind. I ask myself...HOW? How can a God so love a fallen heart like mine? How could a King so royal like Jesus joyfully go to the cross for ME? How can he love a mindless fallen race like humans? I cannot grasp it. Therefore I stand in awe. That is all we can do. We can stand in the presence of God and bask in His glory as we were made to do.

The last thing that Augustine’s excerpt helps me to understand is this: this is the same God who loves those who I love. Now when I think about how much my heart calls to the people of East Asia and think about how much I love them, it pales in comparison to how much God loves them. And then I’m reminded that even if I forget, God won’t. His love won’t let Him. The last part of the song I wrote goes like this.

I’m afraid I’ll forget you

I’m afraid I won’t need you

So I’ll promise you one thing

It’s the only promise I can make

Love won’t forsake you

He’ll never leave you

‘Cause your heart is failing

And your eyes are closing

And you don’t know

I remember seeing you,

I remember wondering

Are we the same?

Are we different at all?

I think about how much these people need Jesus and how there are people in underground churches who are at risk for persecution because they have chosen to follow Christ. I have always told myself that they need Jesus more than I do. But then I realize that perhaps, in my comfortable, selfish, apathetic, passive, safe, American faith, my need for Jesus is no different than the people of this East Asia. After writing this song, I understand that my need for Jesus is just as great as theirs. And perhaps it's even greater because of the ways that I overindulge in this world. Love won't forsake them, nor will He forsake me. Because we know this, it is our calling to let others know. Love won't forsake us and will not let us forsake them. He will not forsake them. Tonight, I rest in that.

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